Welcome The Narc (An Essay)

November 12, 2024 in Essays, Narc Shit, Long

You’d be much better off viewing the presence of a ‘narcissist’ in your life as a good thing.

A great thing, in fact.

Especially if they’re still ruffling your feathers.

They are here to show you yourself.

To show you precisely where you’ve veered from who you are and where you’ve yet to stand in your power.

(Your pretty feathers couldn’t get ruffled by an energetic toddler otherwise)

They are the messenger - and a powerful one at that - brought into your life by YOU, my friend,

to bring all of your shit to the surface

to be trampled on even more

until you’re forced and ready to do your work.

They aren’t the villain.

They simply exposed you — to you.

They electrified you.

Crucified you.

Which then erected you to your natural state.

So let a ‘thank you’ follow the ‘fuck you.’

If it weren’t for them,

these devilish friends,

you’d still be (energetically) weak.

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A Mighty Fine Loss (An Essay)

November 10, 2024 in Essays, Narc Shit, Long

If you weren’t trying to outsource from another what you can only provide for yourself,

you would not have ended up in something that hurts you.

You would not feel betrayed.

Or believe yourself to be a victim.

The good news is that the part that hurts isn’t the real you anyways.

The pain is from the illusion / attachment being shattered (as it should be and needed to be).

And from facing the reality that only you can ‘save’ yourself (come into full power) — instead of depending on someone or something else to enable and feed your (perceived) powerlessness.

‘Losing’ the delusion that someone else is responsible for how you feel, for where you are, for what you chose / choose, for what comes next…

is a mighty fine ‘loss’ and the greatest gift of all.

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The Internal Holocaust (An Essay)

November 07, 2024 in Essays, Pain, Narc Shit, Long

What was brought to the surface through the internal holocaust that is ‘narcissistic abuse’…

was already buried deep inside of you before this creature appeared.

That vacuous energy,

that disordered little ghost,

the one that had you spinning out of control…

held no real power or ability to generate a thing inside of you;

let alone something brand new.

Its existence in your field simply provided the exact configuration to rattle the cage you were already in.

And its mission was to do that until you finally let yourself out.

The ‘narcissist’ didn’t put or keep you there.

You were being shown precisely where you were already.

In a cage you had built yourself.

You were being faced with a level of density you’d been contending with all your life; albeit unconsciously, through the one(s) you chose to dance with as you died to each (illusory) piece.

If anything, you had entered a house of mirrors.

Waging a war with what you thought was ‘out there’.

But in reality,

the war,

and the hell,

was (already) within.

Perfectly out-pictured through ‘abuse’.

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The Narcissistic Invitation (An Essay)

November 05, 2024 in Essays, Narc Shit, Long

The ‘narcissist’ was the symptom.

The actual ‘problem’ was you.

The problem was your orientation towards yourself.

The problem was what you were not yet conscious of.

The problem was that you were looking outside instead of in.

Which isn’t actually a problem.

It’s just an opportunity.

And it was the ‘narcissist’ that hand-delivered it to you.

Serving you up to yourself until you finally got it right.

Until you saw yourself clearly and naturally moved accordingly.

Until you took all the responsibility you were handing over to another.

Until you stopped blaming others for what you were doing to yourself.

Sure, they were ‘using’ you for ‘supply’.

So what?

You were using them to become greater.

They were the catalyst that catapulted you into the stratosphere of genuine power.

If, and only if, you were smart enough to do the work.

So…

The ‘narcissist’ was never the problem.

They were the gift.

The invitation.

The initiation.

Into you.

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Your So-Called Emotional Needs (An Essay)

November 05, 2024 in Essays, Long, Human Dynamics, Lovers

Do you understand how insane it is to need / ask / require / expect / teach a fellow adult to meet your so-called ‘emotional needs’ at all, let alone in whatever way you imagine they need to be met?

How silly it is to praise said adult for adjusting their behaviour in order to cater to the parts of you that still feel small / are energetically limp?

The parts you’re asking THEM to maneuver around instead of dealing with them yourself.

How you’re admitting, just by doing this, that you would rather your partner consider you before themselves, and to do a dance around your dysfunction in the ways that have been clearly spelled out.

Instead of wanting them just to dance.

Instead of doing the work yourself.

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Undercover Narc (An Essay)

October 26, 2024 in Essays, Narc Shit, Long

Only the powerless feel the need to deceive.

To hide, to perform, to resort to secrecy.

To control, to manipulate, to exploit and to take.

To maintain something false, no matter what is at stake.

And only because they’ve (temporarily) forgotten how powerful they actually are, and mistakenly believe they must swindle the world to get what they actually want.

But what’s rightfully theirs already exists.

Beyond the need to fabricate a thing.

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It's Harrowing (An Essay)

October 26, 2024 in Essays, Narc Shit, Long

“It’s harrowing”…

to drop the mask

to face yourself

to have nowhere to hide

“It’s harrowing”…

to admit what you’ve done

to run from yourself

to keep trudging along

“It’s harrowing”…

to keep up the act

to now watch your back

to now be exposed

“It’s harrowing”…

to be what you are

when what you’ve become

is so far from home

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The Narcissist & The Borderline

October 15, 2024 in Essays, Narc Shit, Long, Sam

“The meeting between the narcissist and his victim is a meeting of two hungers. The victim is hungry for love and intimacy and acceptance, and the narcissist is hungry for existence. The narcissist tries to become through the victim. The narcissist tries to exist through the victim. But the sad irony is that the only way for the narcissist to exist through the victim is to abscond with her existence. And the only way for the narcissist to become through the victim is to deny the victim her own becoming. And on the other end of the equation, the only way for the victim to obtain love from the narcissist is to stop being. To not be. And the only way for her to maintain intimacy with a narcissist is to become as much of an absence as he is. And this is the predicament and the conundrum of the shared fantasy. It is a meeting of two irreconcilable and incompatible hungers.” Professor Sam Vaknin

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Going No Contact (An Essay)

October 13, 2024 in Essays, Narc Shit, Long

Going ‘no contact’ achieves nothing if you’re still energetically bound.

It provides a temporary buffer at most,

for you to start getting your shit together by breaking shit apart.

But if you’re not doing the actual work of addressing and correcting what led to this twisted dynamic that you’re now needing / trying to extract yourself from,

you’ll just be going ‘no contact’ with the next one and the one after that.

Until you finally see that YOU are the source of this fucked up dynamic;

not the ones you need to break away from.

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You Left You (An Essay)

October 06, 2024 in Essays, Narc Shit, Long

Being in a ‘toxic’ / ‘abusive’ / ‘narcissistic’ relationship doesn’t erode your self-trust.

You never had it to begin with.

Hence said relationship.

You didn’t honour what you knew and felt from the start.

Because something else was more important to you.

And then shit went sideways as it inevitably would and you blamed the other for the hot mess you were in.

But it was you who left you to get something from them.

Instead of giving it to yourself.

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P.S. Being in a ‘healthy’ (or seemingly healthier) relationship post-‘toxic’ relationship, still isn’t IT if you’re now, once again, looking to another for what you’re still not generating for yourself, no matter how good it feels (for now), because whatever was not truly dealt with will inevitably rear its head.

You’re outsourcing from a ‘cleaner’ supply but you’re still outsourcing regardless.

#theylovemesonowilovemetoo

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Stop Feeding It (An Essay)

July 26, 2024 in Essays, Addiction, Asses, Pain, Shit Stack, Triggered, Grid, Wee, Long

You starve it by not feeding it.

Inwardly, that’s what you do.

“The ignored guest quickly leaves.”

So give it no reason to stay.

You can entertain the chaos.

The insanity.

The mind.

Go into the depths of hell.

Then post about your dark night.

Tell others about that ‘necessary’ initiation.

The ‘generational trauma’ that ‘lives in your bones’.

Be commended on your strength for ‘facing the beast’.

(aka enduring yourself at the hands of yourself and calling it by another name)

Sure, you can do that.

But you could also not.

You feed the pain because you get off on it.

When you’re done getting off,

it’s gone.

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The Denser It Gets (An Essay)

July 25, 2024 in Essays, Zero Point, Uncluttered, Addiction, Pain, Shit Stack, Self Abandonment, Grid, Long

when you perpetually self-abandon

the denser it gets

and when you do this over an extended period of time

that density

that was once only energetic

becomes matter

becomes ‘illness’ (both mental and physical)

because your system was not designed for such a deviation

it was designed to let you know all you need to know

to remain clean and intact

forevermore

so when you choose to ignore that knowing

over and over and over again

your brilliant system will turn up the volume until it just can’t be ignored

until you have no choice but to honour what you know and have always known

so even your ‘sickness’ (both mental and physical)

is still your system being brilliant as fuck

it never fails you

even when you ‘fail’ (deny) yourself

it speaks to you

for as long as it takes

until you finally listen

and choose to obey

and once you do

the ‘sickness’ dissolves

because it only arose

to point the way home

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What's Left? (An Essay)

July 06, 2024 in Essays, Zero Point, Uncluttered, Long

if you didn’t

think about it

talk about it

read about it

write about it

what would be left?

that’s all there is

if you didn’t feel the need

to do something about it

to fill it in

to intervene

to try so hard

to make a plan

to resist or avoid it

to judge or control it

to have it be different

to place a standard upon it

if you could just not touch it

accept what is and what isn’t

what would be left?

that’s all there is

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(Not) Ready To Get Clean (An Essay)

July 02, 2024 in Essays, Shit Stack, Makin Moves, Long

You know exactly how to clean up your inner shit.

If you’re not doing that,

it’s only because you don’t want to — yet.

Just like your place.

If it’s a cluttered shitshow,

it’s not because you can’t clean it up.

You just don’t want to — yet.

And when you do,

you will.

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True Salvation (An Excerpt)

June 28, 2024 in Essays, Eckhart, Zero Point, Uncluttered, Long

From 'The Power Of Now' by Eckhart Tolle:

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True salvation is a state of freedom — from fear, from suffering, from a perceived state of lack and insufficiency and therefore from all wanting, needing, grasping, and clinging.

It is freedom from compulsive thinking, from negativity, and above all from past and future as a psychological need.

Your mind is telling you that you cannot get there from here.

Something needs to happen, or you need to become this or that before you can be free and fulfilled. It is saying, in fact, that you need time — that you need to find, sort out, do, achieve, acquire, become, or understand something before you can be free or complete.

You see time as the means to salvation, whereas in truth it is the greatest obstacle to salvation.

You think that you can't get there from where and who you are at this moment because you are not yet complete or good enough, but the truth is that here and now is the only point from where you can get there.

You 'get' there by realizing that you are there already.

You find God the moment you realize that you don't need to seek God.

So there is no only way to salvation.

Any condition can be used, but no particular condition is needed.

However, there is only one point of access: the Now. There can be no salvation away from this moment.

You are lonely and without a partner? Enter the Now from there.

You are in a relationship? Enter the Now from there.

There is nothing you can ever do or attain that will get you closer to salvation than it is at this moment.

This may be hard to grasp for a mind accustomed to thinking that everything worthwhile is in the future.

Nor can anything that you ever did or that was done to you in the past prevent you from saying yes to what is and taking your attention deeply into the Now.

You cannot do this in the future.

You do it now or not at all.

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