Pain

Mandy Bites On Pain

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  1. Resisting truth = pain.

  2. The real ‘no contact’ is with the abuser in your head.

  3. You are the only remedy for your suffering.

  4. If the pain runs deep, the power does, too. Most fear the latter, so they settle on the former.

  5. The longing for death, at the deepest level, is the desire to live unbound.

  6. Even in darkness, one can still be clean.

  7. When you see clearly, nothing hurts.

  8. Swallowing truth makes you sick.

  9. Your willingness and capacity to suffer with and for another, is not love (for yourself or the other).

  10. It’s always the most tender where you hold the most matter.

  11. You really can’t override living in a NO. You either stop doing that or you suffer.

  12. It hurts so you can learn how to not do that shit that hurts you.

  13. Your level of pain is equal to your level of resistance. To your brilliance. To your power. To truth.

  14. You feed the pain because you get off on it. When you’re done getting off, it’s gone.

  15. When you’re attached to form, you suffer. When you’re devoted to truth, you fly.

  16. It stops when you do.

  17. If you weren't trying to outsource from another what you can only provide for yourself, you would not have ended up in something that hurts you.

  18. You want to leave because you’ve yet to fully own you. And there’s no greater pain than that.

  19. Your deepest, most excrutiating pain comes from one thing only.

  20. You feed, consume and showcase the pain because you get off on it.

  21. he didn’t mean well / he meant to harm.

  22. what first felt like freedom / turned into a cage / i slept with the enemy / my predator / his prey

  23. People ‘love’ you more when you suffer. Let that shit sink in.

  24. Human: runs from the present / dwells on the non-existent past / fears the illusory future / perpetually resists what IS (and suffers because of it) / consistently holds back truth / avoids making the true move / believes things, others, and life need(s) to be a certain way in order to feel okay / creates and then lives within endless, baseless, utterly insane stories / denies its sovereignty / blames the world and others and pretends to be a victim / takes zero responsibility for the creation and quality of its own experience / looks out instead of in… | Being: “And you wonder why you feel like shit?”

  25. off to bed / with a bleeding heart / you must be on my mind (2015)

  26. i’m feeling my way through / the grooves of my tender heart (2015)

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How Wars Begin (An Essay)

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The ‘state of the world’ is an accurate and perfect out-picturing of the individual’s war within.

So to be surprised by anything going on ‘out there’, especially when you’ve yet to contend with what’s going on ‘in here’, is kind of silly.

How could you expect or want peace in the world if you can’t even generate it inside yourself?

It starts and ends with you, boo.

It starts and ends with me, too.

But also,

there is no start and there is no end.

There is only what IS for infinity.

And if you are fighting the is-ness of life,

of yourself,

or even another,

then…

you understand implicitly

exactly how wars begin.

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The Energetics of Dysfunction (An Essay)

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When you deliberately play at the energetic level,

when you see beyond the veil and make your moves from there,

you have the ability to look at all things / situations / dynamics retroactively - before you caught on to what you always knew - and you understand exactly what was going on.

You can pinpoint exactly when and why you or another deviated from truth, and the natural / inevitable consequences of that choice.

Everything just makes sense.

And when you ‘get’ the ‘energetics of dysfunction’ as it were,

that generate and and keep any toxic / twisted system / dynamic in place,

(which at the most fundamental level is just the deviation from truth)

you can no longer be surprised by anything that happens in the world / between humans / at an individual level.

Because it’s all the same.

And it’s a given that things would unfold exactly as they did and do,

based on the black and whiteness of energetic truth.

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The Beautiful Thing About Narcissistic Abuse (An Essay)

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The beautiful thing about ‘narcissistic abuse’…

(hear me out - and quotation marks because on the deepest level it’s not abuse of any kind - it’s a self-generated invitation to MORE)

is that it fundamentally changes you.

In that it propels you even more deeply and fully into YOU.

Into your power.

Into actual truth.

If that’s what you choose.

Stripping you of all the illusions / delusions that once brought and kept you dancing with the devil at the expense of yourself —

a choice you actively made.

The ‘narcissist’ wasn’t your kryptonite.

They didn’t hold any real power to derail you or your life.

It was everything that surfaced through your dance with them that was truly holding you back.

* that part *

And it was there looooooong before you two ever met.

The ‘narcissist’ was just the vehicle through which you could see your blind spots more clearly and if you were up for it — correct them accordingly.

This so-called monster was nothing more than an interchangeable player in your game because let’s face it…

If it wasn’t THAT ‘narc’ it would be another ‘narc’ until you learned what you needed to learn.

Until YOU changed.

Not them.

Because it was never about them.

And what they did or didn’t do was never about you, either.

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The Internal Holocaust (An Essay)

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What was brought to the surface through the internal holocaust that is ‘narcissistic abuse’…

was already buried deep inside of you before this creature appeared.

That vacuous energy,

that disordered little ghost,

the one that had you spinning out of control…

held no real power or ability to generate a thing inside of you;

let alone something brand new.

Its existence in your field simply provided the exact configuration to rattle the cage you were already in.

And its mission was to do that until you finally let yourself out.

The ‘narcissist’ didn’t put or keep you there.

You were being shown precisely where you were already.

In a cage you had built yourself.

You were being faced with a level of density you’d been contending with all your life; albeit unconsciously, through the one(s) you chose to dance with as you died to each (illusory) piece.

If anything, you had entered a house of mirrors.

Waging a war with what you thought was ‘out there’.

But in reality,

the war,

and the hell,

was (already) within.

Perfectly out-pictured through ‘abuse’.

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Stop Feeding It (An Essay)

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You starve it by not feeding it.

Inwardly, that’s what you do.

“The ignored guest quickly leaves.”

So give it no reason to stay.

You can entertain the chaos.

The insanity.

The mind.

Go into the depths of hell.

Then post about your dark night.

Tell others about that ‘necessary’ initiation.

The ‘generational trauma’ that ‘lives in your bones’.

Be commended on your strength for ‘facing the beast’.

(aka enduring yourself at the hands of yourself and calling it by another name)

Sure, you can do that.

But you could also not.

You feed the pain because you get off on it.

When you’re done getting off,

it’s gone.

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The Denser It Gets (An Essay)

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when you perpetually self-abandon

the denser it gets

and when you do this over an extended period of time

that density

that was once only energetic

becomes matter

becomes ‘illness’ (both mental and physical)

because your system was not designed for such a deviation

it was designed to let you know all you need to know

to remain clean and intact

forevermore

so when you choose to ignore that knowing

over and over and over again

your brilliant system will turn up the volume until it just can’t be ignored

until you have no choice but to honour what you know and have always known

so even your ‘sickness’ (both mental and physical)

is still your system being brilliant as fuck

it never fails you

even when you ‘fail’ (deny) yourself

it speaks to you

for as long as it takes

until you finally listen

and choose to obey

and once you do

the ‘sickness’ dissolves

because it only arose

to point the way home

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The Diagnosis (An Essay)

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The ‘thing’ about a diagnosis / label…

is that it’s a thing.

Which exists only as a concept / ‘reality’ on the level of form.

But beneath and beyond that, is the actual truth.

Free of all concepts / ideas / illusions of constraint.

Free of the need to attach meaning to things.

And free of the necessity to label such things.

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Obliteration Dance (An Essay)

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I chose him precisely because of the density.

The grit.

For the perceived dysfunction that would highlight my own so I could erect what had long been limp.

I used him to purify myself.

To be stripped even further.

To stay until nothing was left.

From the outside, it looked insane.

And to my human, it felt like hell.

But obliteration was what I was after.

Why else would I have danced right there?

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Beyond Your Identity (An Essay)

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the things you identify with

or (mis)perceive yourself to be

your past

your pain

your story

your race

your age

your body

your gender and orientation

your role as this

your status as that

your (fill in the blank) that matters so much

all of these things

at the deepest level

are not who you actually are

and the more strongly you identify with whatever it is

and get heated and protest for or against it

or heaven forbid

attempt to protect it

(because who would you be without ‘it’, am i right?)

the further you are

from the ultimate truth

hence your need to identify

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Deviating From What's Natural (An Essay)

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When you’ve deviated from the truth and natural movements of your being (a complete betrayal to your system), the only way to live with that internal split is to distract yourself with self-created 'issues’ that would not exist (and ultimately don't) had you remained in your power (your natural state) in the first place.

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The Helliest Hell There Is (An Essay)

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Living inside a NO is one of the helliest hells there is.

It’s a complete mindfuck.

It ensures you’ll continually be, and quite unsuccessfully, managing the content of the experience that you (often regrettably) said yes to, instead of enjoying the magic that’s delivered on the other side of each very exacting and undeniably brilliant NO.

It ensures that the experience you weren’t ever meant to be part of in the first place (cuz your NO fucking told you so), gets messier, uglier, louder and even more distorted and impossible to ‘resolve’, the longer you stay beyond said NO.

And until you recognize and own your original transgression (as well as each subsequent one), you’ll mistakenly point to the other (and what they are or aren’t being or doing), or to the situation itself (and all the ways it fucking blows) for why you’re so unhappy in the experience that YOU said yes to while knowing it was a NO.

You might even feel and begin to act like a victim of circumstance, and you can undoubtedly rally others to support this false narrative, but you knew from the start and you still chose to go so where is the victim in that?

It’s just easier to defer your power and call it by another name than to own it and tell it like it is.

It’s easier to blame your past for what you’re choosing and experiencing in the present than to do what needs to be done.

It’s easier to say yes ‘for’ or ‘because of’ this or that, rather than to honour that exquisite NO and take the imagined risk that such a bold move brings, without knowing why this just isn’t IT.

But you’ll learn soon enough.

You’ll inevitably discover firsthand why your system warned you against what you’re now in the midst of enduring, and are currently, often repeatedly, trying to extract yourself from.

And it’s perfect.

It was unavoidable.

And it’s all by your own design.

Because if you were seasoned enough to not do that wonky thing you do (ignoring what you know), you wouldn’t create these experiences for yourself to learn how not to get to the point where you’re at right now.

So you can’t lose regardless of how lost you feel or what you perceive you’ve lost through each ordeal, because each one effectively shows you where you veered off, and one day you just won’t.

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