Lovers

I Dreamed I Was A Daughter Of The Moon

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I asked him, "What am I?"

He said I was a moth.

I asked him why I couldn't be a butterfly (I had always been a butterfly), but he said he didn't know.

I desperately wanted to make love to him, and I wanted to be made love to.

But he was a human and I was a moth.

A strange and frustrating thing.

So I hovered and fluttered around his neck as he led me up the stairs, and when he felt my winged kisses, he, too, was aroused.

He knew I was trespassing.

I knew he was forbidden.

I wasn't allowed to join him here, and not in this way, to be sure.

But these were not our rules.

They were not of our making.

Least of all, sane.

These rules belonged to the others.

The dim and unaware.

They did not apply to those whose sights transcended their limits.

They did not apply to creatures like he and I.

Our connection was strong.

Tenderly overwhelming.

We were destined to merge.

Our goal: become one.

And being that he was already a part of that world, while secretly being a part of mine, he cared enough to take me where I didn't belong.

He was privy to the path.

They'd never suspect a thing.

They'd only suspect me - the moth - a tender loving thing.

He looked like the others but to them, I was strange.

For being what I was.

For wanting what I want.

For going where they would not dare.

But he understood.

I only wanted to go higher.

I wanted to know more.

And I wanted him in his entirety.

He did not question my intentions.

He knew they were pure.

He did not question our differences because he knew we were the same.

He knew what I was, and what I was, was his.

He knew better than to hinder what he, too, desired for himself.

He conspired to make it happen.

And what mattered most is that he let me love him.

Let me touch him.

Let me follow this wild dream.

And I could not have been more grateful.

After holding back for what felt like an eternity,

with the whole universe pulsating within me,

I had nowhere to go but beyond all I'd ever known.

I desired him with a vengeance.

To devour every bit that I could.

I hungered for our union before reality woke us up.

Small as I was, my presence was known and felt.

My being was needed and craved.

And my touch turned him into mine as I sought to taste the places where he'd feel me the most deeply.

He, the human.

Me, the moth.

We, the illuminated.

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Originally written and publicly shared in 2016.

And yes, this was an actual dream I had about a fellow at the time.

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Your So-Called Emotional Needs (An Essay)

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Do you understand how insane it is to need / ask / require / expect / teach a fellow adult to meet your so-called ‘emotional needs’ at all, let alone in whatever way you imagine they need to be met?

How silly it is to praise said adult for adjusting their behaviour in order to cater to the parts of you that still feel small / are energetically limp?

The parts you’re asking THEM to maneuver around instead of dealing with them yourself.

How you’re admitting, just by doing this, that you would rather your partner consider you before themselves, and to do a dance around your dysfunction in the ways that have been clearly spelled out.

Instead of wanting them just to dance.

Instead of doing the work yourself.

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Thrown Off My Game (An Essay)

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if it didn’t destroy me

if parts of me weren’t forced to die

repeatedly

and quite potently

through the is-ness of he and i

there’d be no pull for me to stay

not with him —

but with all that arises

through the mutual destruction

our interactions bring

this alone is what interests me

because i’m interested in what disturbs me

and throws me off my game

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Sharp; Not Soft (An Essay)

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I do the opposite of what they say to do

With a man

As a woman

Whatever the fuck that means

I am sharp

Not soft (and I am — very)

I challenge everything

Until there’s nothing

(an inside job — read more)

And as he’s said…

I’m relentless

Unyielding

Exacting

Demanding

Militant

Trenchant

Mercurial

And yet…

He’s still here

Right here

Closer than most will ever be (his words)

To me

To themselves

To heaven

To another

Precisely because I do the opposite of what they say to do

With a man

As a woman

Whatever the fuck that means

Why would I be less me for anybody?

The more me, the better

For everybody

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Doing The Blessed Thing (An Essay)

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you would never…

have to talk about your relationship

have issues in your relationship

have to work on your relationship

#workingonitneverworks

if you were both in complete integrity

and fully in your power already

#relationshipgoalsamiright

you’d just be in your relationship

doing the blessed thing

the most natural thing in the world

#loveiswhoyouare

‘problems’ only arise because you haven’t been speaking / living / being truth

you haven’t been taking full responsibility for your side of the court

you have been looking to

and waiting on

the other for something that’s not theirs to give

and that accumulation of bullshit creates ‘problems’

as it should and as it must

not because ‘all couples have problems’

but because ‘all people who aren’t living in integrity and look outside of themselves for something / anything’ — have problems

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The Chasm Between He And I (An Essay)

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The chasm between he and I is immense.

Always has been.

Except, of course, when it’s not.

The only thing that has and could ever bridge that incredible divide is pure presence.

No self.

Those rare and delicious moments that he’s described as unimaginable, when we are both simultaneously present AND absent.

This or nothing.

AND

This because there’s nothing.

Which is why it’s futile to ‘work on’ the so-called relationship.

The only work is HERE; not there.

#remainempty

Within me; not with him.

(he is not my business)

Which is why I don’t care about bridging our divide.

I care about bridging my own.

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The Divide (An Essay)

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The ‘issues’ between you and another are never the actual issues.

It’s a lack of consciousness.

A lack of accountability.

A lack of integrity.

Ignoring the k(no)w.

And that discord / divide shows up as those ‘issues’ because you are not yet in your power.

You aren’t yet saying or doing what needs to be said or done.

If you were, there’d be no ‘issues’.

There would just be truth.

Which is the only thing that can set you free from those never-ending ‘issues’.

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Stuck Together (An Essay)

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if the only thing keeping you together is your unnatural attachment to one another

(and all attachment is unnatural)

made possible only through the sticky and accumulated shit you have both brought to the relationship table

things like your respective and shared pasts

your so-called traumas

your personal needs and desires

your ongoing focus on yourself and the other

then you’re not yet truly together

because of all that shit in the way

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Cheating (An Essay)

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(My response to a lame Netflix documentary)

Cheating isn’t a ‘mistake’.

It’s a choice.

It’s a decision to hide and to deceive.

Over and over and over again.

And…

It’s a weak and powerless move / series of moves.

Because it’s ‘easier’ to sneak around than to muster the strength to be fully transparent with the one you claim you love and ‘risk’ whatever comes from that.

And of course you have your reasons (excuses) to not live in truth.

Everyone does.

Reasons to not demonstrate love for yourself and another by being honest about what already is.

You’re scared.

You have something to ‘lose’.

You don’t want to hurt them.

Whatever the fuck.

Still weak.

Still powerless.

Still not taking full responsibility for yourself and your choices and doing what needs to be done.

Being with others isn’t an issue.

Hiding that you are, is.

And even that isn’t the real ‘issue’.

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The Next Isn't Better (An Essay)

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I’d rather do the work within the current dynamic than to swap it out for another supposedly easier and better ride.

Because the next one won’t be ’better’.

The same work will meet me there, too.

So I do it from exactly where I am.

From whatever I find myself in.

The ‘next’ I actually want and crave,

will arise naturally from that.

△

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