Undercover Narc (An Essay)

Only the powerless feel the need to deceive.

To hide, to perform, to resort to secrecy.

To control, to manipulate, to exploit and to take.

To maintain something false, no matter what is at stake.

And only because they’ve (temporarily) forgotten how powerful they actually are, and mistakenly believe they must swindle the world to get what they actually want.

But what’s rightfully theirs already exists.

Beyond the need to fabricate a thing.

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It's Harrowing (An Essay)

“It’s harrowing”…

to drop the mask

to face yourself

to have nowhere to hide

“It’s harrowing”…

to admit what you’ve done

to run from yourself

to keep trudging along

“It’s harrowing”…

to keep up the act

to now watch your back

to now be exposed

“It’s harrowing”…

to be what you are

when what you’ve become

is so far from home

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The Narcissist & The Borderline

“The meeting between the narcissist and his victim is a meeting of two hungers. The victim is hungry for love and intimacy and acceptance, and the narcissist is hungry for existence. The narcissist tries to become through the victim. The narcissist tries to exist through the victim. But the sad irony is that the only way for the narcissist to exist through the victim is to abscond with her existence. And the only way for the narcissist to become through the victim is to deny the victim her own becoming. And on the other end of the equation, the only way for the victim to obtain love from the narcissist is to stop being. To not be. And the only way for her to maintain intimacy with a narcissist is to become as much of an absence as he is. And this is the predicament and the conundrum of the shared fantasy. It is a meeting of two irreconcilable and incompatible hungers.” Professor Sam Vaknin

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Going No Contact (An Essay)

Going ‘no contact’ achieves nothing if you’re still energetically bound.

It provides a temporary buffer at most,

for you to start getting your shit together by breaking shit apart.

But if you’re not doing the actual work of addressing and correcting what led to this twisted dynamic that you’re now needing / trying to extract yourself from,

you’ll just be going ‘no contact’ with the next one and the one after that.

Until you finally see that YOU are the source of this fucked up dynamic;

not the ones you need to break away from.

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You Left You (An Essay)

Being in a ‘toxic’ / ‘abusive’ / ‘narcissistic’ relationship doesn’t erode your self-trust.

You never had it to begin with.

Hence said relationship.

You didn’t honour what you knew and felt from the start.

Because something else was more important to you.

And then shit went sideways as it inevitably would and you blamed the other for the hot mess you were in.

But it was you who left you to get something from them.

Instead of giving it to yourself.

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P.S. Being in a ‘healthy’ (or seemingly healthier) relationship post-‘toxic’ relationship, still isn’t IT if you’re now, once again, looking to another for what you’re still not generating for yourself, no matter how good it feels (for now), because whatever was not truly dealt with will inevitably rear its head.

You’re outsourcing from a ‘cleaner’ supply but you’re still outsourcing regardless.

#theylovemesonowilovemetoo

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Stop Feeding It (An Essay)

You starve it by not feeding it.

Inwardly, that’s what you do.

“The ignored guest quickly leaves.”

So give it no reason to stay.

You can entertain the chaos.

The insanity.

The mind.

Go into the depths of hell.

Then post about your dark night.

Tell others about that ‘necessary’ initiation.

The ‘generational trauma’ that ‘lives in your bones’.

Be commended on your strength for ‘facing the beast’.

(aka enduring yourself at the hands of yourself and calling it by another name)

Sure, you can do that.

But you could also not.

You feed the pain because you get off on it.

When you’re done getting off,

it’s gone.

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The Denser It Gets (An Essay)

when you perpetually self-abandon

the denser it gets

and when you do this over an extended period of time

that density

that was once only energetic

becomes matter

becomes ‘illness’ (both mental and physical)

because your system was not designed for such a deviation

it was designed to let you know all you need to know

to remain clean and intact

forevermore

so when you choose to ignore that knowing

over and over and over again

your brilliant system will turn up the volume until it just can’t be ignored

until you have no choice but to honour what you know and have always known

so even your ‘sickness’ (both mental and physical)

is still your system being brilliant as fuck

it never fails you

even when you ‘fail’ (deny) yourself

it speaks to you

for as long as it takes

until you finally listen

and choose to obey

and once you do

the ‘sickness’ dissolves

because it only arose

to point the way home

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What's Left? (An Essay)

if you didn’t

think about it

talk about it

read about it

write about it

what would be left?

that’s all there is

if you didn’t feel the need

to do something about it

to fill it in

to intervene

to try so hard

to make a plan

to resist or avoid it

to judge or control it

to have it be different

to place a standard upon it

if you could just not touch it

accept what is and what isn’t

what would be left?

that’s all there is

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(Not) Ready To Get Clean (An Essay)

You know exactly how to clean up your inner shit.

If you’re not doing that,

it’s only because you don’t want to — yet.

Just like your place.

If it’s a cluttered shitshow,

it’s not because you can’t clean it up.

You just don’t want to — yet.

And when you do,

you will.

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True Salvation (An Excerpt)

From 'The Power Of Now' by Eckhart Tolle:

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True salvation is a state of freedom — from fear, from suffering, from a perceived state of lack and insufficiency and therefore from all wanting, needing, grasping, and clinging.

It is freedom from compulsive thinking, from negativity, and above all from past and future as a psychological need.

Your mind is telling you that you cannot get there from here.

Something needs to happen, or you need to become this or that before you can be free and fulfilled. It is saying, in fact, that you need time — that you need to find, sort out, do, achieve, acquire, become, or understand something before you can be free or complete.

You see time as the means to salvation, whereas in truth it is the greatest obstacle to salvation.

You think that you can't get there from where and who you are at this moment because you are not yet complete or good enough, but the truth is that here and now is the only point from where you can get there.

You 'get' there by realizing that you are there already.

You find God the moment you realize that you don't need to seek God.

So there is no only way to salvation.

Any condition can be used, but no particular condition is needed.

However, there is only one point of access: the Now. There can be no salvation away from this moment.

You are lonely and without a partner? Enter the Now from there.

You are in a relationship? Enter the Now from there.

There is nothing you can ever do or attain that will get you closer to salvation than it is at this moment.

This may be hard to grasp for a mind accustomed to thinking that everything worthwhile is in the future.

Nor can anything that you ever did or that was done to you in the past prevent you from saying yes to what is and taking your attention deeply into the Now.

You cannot do this in the future.

You do it now or not at all.

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That Dreamy Feeling (An Essay)

it’s the dreamy feeling

of having

zero

expectations

needs

hopes

desires

just wanting

and loving

what is

and what isn’t

because it’s perfect

it’s accurate

it’s complete

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Over And Under (An Essay)

oversharing

or overanything

even underanything

if we get down to it

is an attempt to ‘empty out’

to release

the increasing pressure

of an overloaded system

which feels vastly different

from the over and under

of anything at all

from a system that’s clean

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Smashed To Smithereens (An Essay)

we are two planets colliding

getting smashed to smithereens

and when the damage is done

there is s p a c e

and in that space

we recalibrate

shocked and startled

once again

neither knowing what’s to come

from the rubble left in our wake

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Thrown Off My Game (An Essay)

if it didn’t destroy me

if parts of me weren’t forced to die

repeatedly

and quite potently

through the is-ness of he and i

there’d be no pull for me to stay

not with him —

but with all that arises

through the mutual destruction

our interactions bring

this alone is what interests me

because i’m interested in what disturbs me

and throws me off my game

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Sharp; Not Soft (An Essay)

I do the opposite of what they say to do

With a man

As a woman

Whatever the fuck that means

I am sharp

Not soft (and I am — very)

I challenge everything

Until there’s nothing

(an inside job — read more)

And as he’s said…

I’m relentless

Unyielding

Exacting

Demanding

Militant

Trenchant

Mercurial

And yet…

He’s still here

Right here

Closer than most will ever be (his words)

To me

To themselves

To heaven

To another

Precisely because I do the opposite of what they say to do

With a man

As a woman

Whatever the fuck that means

Why would I be less me for anybody?

The more me, the better

For everybody

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Doing The Blessed Thing (An Essay)

you would never…

have to talk about your relationship

have issues in your relationship

have to work on your relationship

#workingonitneverworks

if you were both in complete integrity

and fully in your power already

#relationshipgoalsamiright

you’d just be in your relationship

doing the blessed thing

the most natural thing in the world

#loveiswhoyouare

‘problems’ only arise because you haven’t been speaking / living / being truth

you haven’t been taking full responsibility for your side of the court

you have been looking to

and waiting on

the other for something that’s not theirs to give

and that accumulation of bullshit creates ‘problems’

as it should and as it must

not because ‘all couples have problems’

but because ‘all people who aren’t living in integrity and look outside of themselves for something / anything’ — have problems

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The Chasm Between He And I (An Essay)

The chasm between he and I is immense.

Always has been.

Except, of course, when it’s not.

The only thing that has and could ever bridge that incredible divide is pure presence.

No self.

Those rare and delicious moments that he’s described as unimaginable, when we are both simultaneously present AND absent.

This or nothing.

AND

This because there’s nothing.

Which is why it’s futile to ‘work on’ the so-called relationship.

The only work is HERE; not there.

#remainempty

Within me; not with him.

(he is not my business)

Which is why I don’t care about bridging our divide.

I care about bridging my own.

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The Powerless Departure (An Essay)

After getting ‘triggered’ by a move of mine that ‘threatened’ (broke) the container we had once been operating within (and our relationship was contingent upon),

I had a close-to-me-for-many-years human attempt to end our relationship.

‘Attempt’ because there’s no such thing as an ending (or a relationship for that matter, but that’s for another day).

And all because they couldn’t figure out how to use me and our experience to erect themselves further.

So they collapsed (and not in the hot way)

once again / for now / forever / who cares.

Which means they didn’t actually ‘leave’.

And they didn’t achieve a thing.

Because there was zero power in their so-called split.

They ‘left’ (collapsed) instead of saying / doing / BEING the truest thing.

The rawest thing.

That would shatter everything.

In both themselves and in me.

But that would have required them to stand firm and fully in who they truly are.

And they were not ready for that, at least not that day.

So they ‘left’ and stayed right in place.

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The Divide (An Essay)

The ‘issues’ between you and another are never the actual issues.

It’s a lack of consciousness.

A lack of accountability.

A lack of integrity.

Ignoring the k(no)w.

And that discord / divide shows up as those ‘issues’ because you are not yet in your power.

You aren’t yet saying or doing what needs to be said or done.

If you were, there’d be no ‘issues’.

There would just be truth.

Which is the only thing that can set you free from those never-ending ‘issues’.

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Two For One (An Essay)

I had a call with a hottie who I soon realized was nowhere close to being ready for a call with me.

She was committed to her stories.

She didn’t actually want to be free.

So I interrupted her mental masturbation by letting her know this isn’t the work I do, and I ended the Zoom call.

She called me on Messenger a moment later.

And I had no problem picking up because ‘new moment, new everything’ in Mandyland.

I was happy to start again.

But she was still there; not here.

So I ended that call, too.

*sends a cheeky new invoice*

Because that is the work I do.

(Read Part 2)

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