Essays

The Helliest Hell There Is (An Essay)

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Living inside a NO is one of the helliest hells there is.

It’s a complete mindfuck.

It ensures you’ll continually be, and quite unsuccessfully, managing the content of the experience that you (often regrettably) said yes to, instead of enjoying the magic that’s delivered on the other side of each very exacting and undeniably brilliant NO.

It ensures that the experience you weren’t ever meant to be part of in the first place (cuz your NO fucking told you so), gets messier, uglier, louder and even more distorted and impossible to ‘resolve’, the longer you stay beyond said NO.

And until you recognize and own your original transgression (as well as each subsequent one), you’ll mistakenly point to the other (and what they are or aren’t being or doing), or to the situation itself (and all the ways it fucking blows) for why you’re so unhappy in the experience that YOU said yes to while knowing it was a NO.

You might even feel and begin to act like a victim of circumstance, and you can undoubtedly rally others to support this false narrative, but you knew from the start and you still chose to go so where is the victim in that?

It’s just easier to defer your power and call it by another name than to own it and tell it like it is.

It’s easier to blame your past for what you’re choosing and experiencing in the present than to do what needs to be done.

It’s easier to say yes ‘for’ or ‘because of’ this or that, rather than to honour that exquisite NO and take the imagined risk that such a bold move brings, without knowing why this just isn’t IT.

But you’ll learn soon enough.

You’ll inevitably discover firsthand why your system warned you against what you’re now in the midst of enduring, and are currently, often repeatedly, trying to extract yourself from.

And it’s perfect.

It was unavoidable.

And it’s all by your own design.

Because if you were seasoned enough to not do that wonky thing you do (ignoring what you know), you wouldn’t create these experiences for yourself to learn how not to get to the point where you’re at right now.

So you can’t lose regardless of how lost you feel or what you perceive you’ve lost through each ordeal, because each one effectively shows you where you veered off, and one day you just won’t.

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The Confusing + Captivating Type (An Essay)

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Those who are living in integrity with themselves are confusing and / or captivating (at times, even terrifying) to those who are not.

But it’s not because they know something that others don’t.

They’re just doing what most are not yet willing to do.

And until you’re in integrity with yourself, it’s not possible for you to touch what you misperceive those others have access to but you don’t.

So do the fucking work.

The work of actually listening to, and honouring, yourself.

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Be More Like Hanna (An Essay)

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Yesterday a guy asked me what I do for a living.

Because that’s what typical, boring, conditioned humans ask other typical, boring, conditioned humans.

#cosmicredflag

So I offered my typical response:

“I float through space.”

Because who fucking cares.

Because let’s play elsewhere.

We just met and I’m already bored.

And it made me think of my friend, Hanna.

(A dreamy guest of mine on Mandyland Radio)

Whenever we have a call or check in through message, she asks, “What’s alive in your world?”

And my being just swoons.

Because THAT’s the vibe.

#letsbemorelikehanna

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The Pattern Of Addiction (An Essay)

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Addiction is an energetic pattern.

It’s not about the form / substance / person.

They’re interchangeable.

And until you succeed in shifting what actually needs shifting (which goes beyond just stopping something in the physical), you’ll naturally and inevitably replace one addiction with another.

You’ll unknowingly redirect that same addictive and still very active pattern to another spot (and likely return to the original spot), unaware that the pattern itself bleeds across the board until it actually gets cleaned up.

Even if you do manage to stop A, B or C in the physical, either temporarily or for good (which you take as proof that something has changed - that you have changed),

unless you also make the energetic shift required to dissolve the pattern altogether, nothing has truly changed at all.

You just ‘quit’ that one thing, only to continue the same pattern with this or the next thing, thereby proving that the specific addiction was never the actual issue.

What’s sourcing the pattern of addiction, IS.

And until that’s ‘resolved’ (seen through and turned back into nothing), it’s gonna keep shape shifting and fucking you up.

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We're All Fucked Up (An Essay)

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We’re all fucked up.

Who cares?

The human condition(ing) makes it so.

And…

We’re all perfectly intact despite the fuckedupness.

It’s both.

Human + being.

And I don’t know one human who actually has all their shit together (whatever that means).

Not one.

But I know that every being exists perfectly and beautifully beyond the human shit.

And that every human touches and experiences even more of their brilliant being, both through and because of it.

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Twisted Sticky Shit (An Essay)

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You can’t have an expectation / demand / condition for how or when another person should behave for or in response to you…

and call that love.

You can’t point to what you’ve done for them (gross) in comparison to what you think they’ve yet to reciprocate (eww) as a way to justify why they should now perform / abandon / contort themselves for you like you clearly did for them (why else would you be keeping score)…

and call that love.

That’s manipulation.

Control.

Twisted, sticky, icky shit.

If it’s not given freely,

truthfully,

lovingly,

unconditionally…

why would you even want it?

You’d rather a performance than the real deal?

You’d rather have it the way your ego scripted it than the way it actually is?

You’d rather another do for you what you’re not willing to do for yourself?

Absurd.

People can move and exist as they wish.

You’re free to do the same.

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Human vs Being (An Essay)

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Human: runs from the present / dwells on the non-existent past / fears the illusory future / perpetually resists what IS (and suffers because of it) / consistently holds back truth / avoids making the true move / believes things, others, and life need(s) to be a certain way in order to feel okay / creates and then lives within endless, baseless, utterly insane stories / denies its sovereignty / blames the world and others and pretends to be a victim / takes zero responsibility for the creation and quality of its own experience / looks out instead of in…

Being: “And you wonder why you feel like shit?”

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Filling In Another's Perceived Gaps (An Essay)

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You only try to fill in the (perceived) gaps for another when you forget that they are sovereign, just like you.

And you can only forget another’s sovereignty when you have forgotten your own (cue a false sense of superiority) which is the only reason you’d ever feel the need to over-reach in the first place.

Your discomfort with where another is choosing to be at (yes, choosing — there are no victims and no one needs saving) generates your over-extension in an attempt to relieve yourself of said discomfort which actually has nothing to do with what the other is or isn’t doing / seeing / getting in that moment.

This is what feeds your desire to change / correct what’s being presented to whatever you deem ‘better’ / more ‘evolved’ than what they’re currently choosing for themselves,

which inevitably breeds resistance and stagnation; not clarity and movement, because the energy of your so-called help is tainted aka sourced from a false premise to begin with.

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