When there is a big, fat NO in my system that I didn’t catch right away, I feel sick in my throat.
It feels like dread.
It feels heavy and icky in my gut.
Things feel serious, tight, restricted.
And that dense feeling eclipses everything else until I figure out where the NO must be applied and how.
It doesn’t matter that I missed / ignored it the first time or how long I kept missing / ignoring my NO.
It doesn’t even matter who or what or why.
There’s a NO in my brilliant system and to keep saying YES to it would be a lie.
That sick feeling is proof that I missed / ignored it and kept missing / ignoring it or else it couldn’t have gotten to the point of full blown dread.
Who cares.
New moment.
New move.
Let’s rock.
When there is an edge in my system, I also feel sick.
Nauseous.
Hella nervous.
Like I’m at the top of a rollercoaster about to go down.
But there is no heaviness.
No dread.
No lump in my throat at all.
Nothing feels icky.
It feels exhilarating.
Fascinating.
Fun and light and limitless.
Yummy and also terrifying.
It’s not knowing what the fuck is gonna happen but being so willing to take this wild ride just because it’s true, and to let my fear stop me would be a lie.
And so…
A true NO is telling me to stop.
A true edge is telling me to go.
That’s how I tell the difference.
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