‘Victim’ / ‘Abuser’
No.
Both parties are equal, willing, necessary participants.
They are two sides of the same coin.
At the deepest / energetic level.
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Narc Shit
The Narcissist Never Gets Away With It (An Essay)
the ‘narcissist’
or whatever similar creature
you perceive and experience negatively
and / or feel victimized by
and / or want revenge upon
for all they’ve ‘done’ to ‘you’
(but more accurately, and firstly, and in excess — to themselves)
never ‘gets away with it’
they are living 24-7 in that torturous internal prison that ‘makes’ them do the ‘incomprehensible’
and what you experienced
as horrific as it was
while being caught in that twisted web that you did in fact sign up for
(at the deepest level, of course, to access your own salvation by erecting yourself even further)
was only the echo
the overflow
a tiny portion of
a much larger war going on
you were just a casualty
as it were
a necessary
and impersonal
canvas to bleed upon
which was your ‘job’
(obviously)
to take what was given
at the hands of the sickest
and
being caught in that crossfire
of another’s externalized internal war
while gross and seemingly ‘unforgivable’
(but we don’t need to ‘forgive’ in these parts, remember?)
there is nothing you could do
or orchestrate to have done to them
that would be ‘worse’ than what they are already experiencing
and doing to themselves
ab-so-lute-ly nothing
and how you were affected by their split from who they are
(but even more accurately — by how you split from yourself in order to ‘withstand’ it)
is so inconsequential
not just because they don’t care
but because the level of pain
disconnection
confusion and density
that they habitually operate from
leaves zero room
to consider you
(or anyone else for that matter)
beyond their own
incessant need
to meet their needs
that are never met
because no matter what they do
and no matter how hard they try
they cannot quell
that emptiness
that repeatedly swallows them whole
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Mandy Bites On Narcissism
in Narc Shit, Mandy Bites
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Sometimes you’re their karma.
It’s all your own (un)doing.
Stop interacting with it as if it's real.
At the end, you come to what you knew at the start. And actively chose to ignore.
The real ‘no contact’ is with the abuser in your head.
To blame the ‘narcissist’ for ‘manipulating’ you into ignoring that initial gut feeling and your brilliant inner knowing is completely absurd.
The more you self-abandon, the more symptomatic you become.
When someone is free, they appear narcissistic to those still bound by themselves.
The 'narcissist' and his so-called 'prey' are equally sick and addicted.
Everything that surfaced through your dance with the ‘narc’, was there long before you two met.
No blame. No shame. No fault at all. Just full responsibility for each and every piece.
You don’t have to condone something to accept the is-ness of it.
No one has the power to pull you into the lower, let alone keep you there.
Why would you need to forgive? What happened wasn’t wrong. Nor was it about you.
The concept of forgiveness is just as absurd as one human granting it to another.
If you can’t see the absolute perfection behind a ‘bad’ experience, even the ‘worst’ experience of your life, then you haven’t gone deep enough. You haven’t extracted your gold.
“Things were never the same after that.” After you stayed when you should have left.
There is no making it right from within the cage of self-betrayal. The ‘issue’ IS the self-betrayal; not the actual NO itself.
I’m interested in what disturbs me.
True ‘justice’ is reclaiming your power from everything and everyone you gave it to.
he didn’t mean well / he meant to harm
what first felt like freedom / turned into a cage / i slept with the enemy / my predator / his prey
You lied to yourself before (and more than) they ever lied to you.
The nightmare grants you access to the dream that was always there.
The war, the hell, was (already) within. Perfectly out-pictured through ‘abuse’.
You’re ‘trauma-bonded’ to you; not them.
If it affects you, it’s for you.
If you weren’t trying to outsource from another what you can only provide for yourself, you would not have ended up in something that hurts you.
You weren’t deceived. You knew. And chose to believe something else.
You demonize another to justify your perpetually ignored NO.
It was never about them. And what they did or didn’t do was never about you, either.
Going ‘no contact’ does nothing if you’re still energetically bound.
Once upon a time, I fed myself to a wolf. I knew he was a wolf. And I wanted to be devoured.
I’m here to destroy and be destroyed.
What's a little more poison when you're already sick?
Being with someone ugly steals your pretty. I’m not talking about looks. But those go, too.
Why are you mad at them for your choice to betray yourself?
You only point at others when you’ve turned against yourself.
It’s not: “Why are they like that?” It’s: “Why am I with that?”
“WhY iS tHiS pErSoN wHo sHoWeD mE riGhT fRoM tHe sTaRt tHaT tHeY aiN’t riGhT iN tHe hEaD… nOt aCtiNg riGhT?”
Avoiding ‘toxic’ people isn’t the solution (or even possible). Becoming clean yourself is.
The next one won’t be better. The same work will meet you there, too.
Do the work within the current dynamic.
From the outside, it looked insane. To my human, it felt like hell. But obliteration was what I was after. Why else would I have danced right there?
It stops when you do.
Waking up shatters every fantasy.
Why manage something you shouldn’t be fucking with at all?
The ‘narcissist’ isn’t the villain. They simply exposed you to you.
The ‘narcissist’ takes up residence only when no one’s home.
The ‘narcissist’ doesn’t need to change. You do.
The ‘narcissist’ is only the symptom. The actual problem is you.
The ‘narcissist’ treats you as poorly as you’ve been treating yourself.
The ‘narcissist’ shows you precisely where you’ve yet to stand your power.
The ‘narcissist’ is the inversion of truth.
The ‘narcissist’ IS the lie. So every deception is a function of that.
The ‘narcissist’ sticks around until you stop blaming another for what you’re doing to yourself.
The ‘narcissist’ doesn’t have the power to derail you or your life. You’ve been doing that by yourself through your choice to yield to them.
The ‘narcissist’ lies to themself more than they ever lie to you.
The ‘narcissist’ is just as surprised as you are that you keep taking it.
The devil will never announce his arrival. Your system always will.
I don’t play games with those who play dirty.
Ignore the words. Feel what’s true.
Hearts don’t break. Attachments do.
Breakups don’t break what needs breaking.
You question it because it’s not IT.
Your willingness and capacity to suffer with and for another is not love (for yourself or the other).
When you’ve actually had enough of it, you won’t have to try. It will just be done.
Regardless of the ‘issue’, it’s about your relationship to power.
Why would you put the mentally ill (human) in charge of your life?
No need to show them the door. They’ll escort themselves out naturally, the closer you stay to you.
The other’s moves are what you point to and use, to justify your inability to harness your power.
If the pain runs deep, the power does, too. Most fear the latter, so they settle on the former.
You get what you say yes to. And all the shit that brings.
If you only have it because you’re holding on, you don’t have it. It has you.
Most would rather have another cater / adapt to their dysfunction(s) and delusion(s) than to do the work necessary to correct it themselves. #fillinthegapsifyouloveme
It hurts so you can learn how to not do that shit that hurts you.
What you’ve yet to own, owns you.
It’s no one’s job to keep you stable. It’s your job to contend with your own instability.
What felt tragic becomes comedic once you actually see through it.
You are the engine that keeps the dysfunctional train going.
Exposure is love (mis)perceived as a threat.
They didn’t (and can’t) hide who they are. It was (and is) in plain view.
Let a ‘thank you’ follow the ‘fuck you’.
Revoke access.
You determine the price of admission.
It’s not ‘victim-blaming’. It’s adult responsibility-taking.
You can’t reason with insanity.
You really can’t override living in a NO. You either stop doing that or you suffer.
“They need to be held accountable.” Actually, they don’t.
Everything and everyone is held to account.
Once you hold yourself accountable, you won’t demand that of another.
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Clean + Dirty Narc (An Essay)
The ‘narcissist’ is the inversion of truth.
They are a void.
But not a clean one.
The void is compensatory.
They don’t care about you.
But not in a clean way.
The lack of care is compensatory.
They are selfish.
But not in a clean way.
The selfishness is compensatory.
They use things and others.
But not in a clean way.
Their using is compensatory.
And…
when someone IS a clean void
when someone truly doesn’t care (about illusions / matter / appearances / the false, self-victimized you)
when someone IS ‘selfish’ (self-sourced / unwavering / in energetic integrity / true move-making, regardless of others)
when someone uses ALL things and people (to sharpen, to erect, to deepen and purify)
they appear narcissistic
to those still bound by themselves
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The Beautiful Thing About Narcissistic Abuse (An Essay)
The beautiful thing about ‘narcissistic abuse’…
(hear me out - and quotation marks because on the deepest level it’s not abuse of any kind - it’s a self-generated invitation to MORE)
is that it fundamentally changes you.
In that it propels you even more deeply and fully into YOU.
Into your power.
Into actual truth.
If that’s what you choose.
Stripping you of all the illusions / delusions that once brought and kept you dancing with the devil at the expense of yourself —
a choice you actively made.
The ‘narcissist’ wasn’t your kryptonite.
They didn’t hold any real power to derail you or your life.
It was everything that surfaced through your dance with them that was truly holding you back.
* that part *
And it was there looooooong before you two ever met.
The ‘narcissist’ was just the vehicle through which you could see your blind spots more clearly and if you were up for it — correct them accordingly.
This so-called monster was nothing more than an interchangeable player in your game because let’s face it…
If it wasn’t THAT ‘narc’ it would be another ‘narc’ until you learned what you needed to learn.
Until YOU changed.
Not them.
Because it was never about them.
And what they did or didn’t do was never about you, either.
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Welcome The Narc (An Essay)
You’d be much better off viewing the presence of a ‘narcissist’ in your life as a good thing.
A great thing, in fact.
Especially if they’re still ruffling your feathers.
They are here to show you yourself.
To show you precisely where you’ve veered from who you are and where you’ve yet to stand in your power.
(Your pretty feathers couldn’t get ruffled by an energetic toddler otherwise)
They are the messenger - and a powerful one at that - brought into your life by YOU, my friend,
to bring all of your shit to the surface
to be trampled on even more
until you’re forced and ready to do your work.
They aren’t the villain.
They simply exposed you — to you.
They electrified you.
Crucified you.
Which then erected you to your natural state.
So let a ‘thank you’ follow the ‘fuck you.’
If it weren’t for them,
these devilish friends,
you’d still be (energetically) weak.
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A Mighty Fine Loss (An Essay)
If you weren’t trying to outsource from another what you can only provide for yourself,
you would not have ended up in something that hurts you.
You would not feel betrayed.
Or believe yourself to be a victim.
The good news is that the part that hurts isn’t the real you anyways.
The pain is from the illusion / attachment being shattered (as it should be and needed to be).
And from facing the reality that only you can ‘save’ yourself (come into full power) — instead of depending on someone or something else to enable and feed your (perceived) powerlessness.
‘Losing’ the delusion that someone else is responsible for how you feel, for where you are, for what you chose / choose, for what comes next…
is a mighty fine ‘loss’ and the greatest gift of all.
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The Internal Holocaust (An Essay)
What was brought to the surface through the internal holocaust that is ‘narcissistic abuse’…
was already buried deep inside of you before this creature appeared.
That vacuous energy,
that disordered little ghost,
the one that had you spinning out of control…
held no real power or ability to generate a thing inside of you;
let alone something brand new.
Its existence in your field simply provided the exact configuration to rattle the cage you were already in.
And its mission was to do that until you finally let yourself out.
The ‘narcissist’ didn’t put or keep you there.
You were being shown precisely where you were already.
In a cage you had built yourself.
You were being faced with a level of density you’d been contending with all your life; albeit unconsciously, through the one(s) you chose to dance with as you died to each (illusory) piece.
If anything, you had entered a house of mirrors.
Waging a war with what you thought was ‘out there’.
But in reality,
the war,
and the hell,
was (already) within.
Perfectly out-pictured through ‘abuse’.
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Who Should Be Accountable? (An Essay)
“They need to be held accountable.”
Actually, they don’t.
That’s what you think you need.
To make things ‘right’.
To finally be free.
But once you hold yourself accountable,
you won’t demand that of another.
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The Narcissistic Initiation (An Essay)
the ‘narcissist’ is the initiation
the catalyst into more
the ultimate invitation
the one to point you home
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The Narcissistic Invitation (An Essay)
The ‘narcissist’ was the symptom.
The actual ‘problem’ was you.
The problem was your orientation towards yourself.
The problem was what you were not yet conscious of.
The problem was that you were looking outside instead of in.
Which isn’t actually a problem.
It’s just an opportunity.
And it was the ‘narcissist’ that hand-delivered it to you.
Serving you up to yourself until you finally got it right.
Until you saw yourself clearly and naturally moved accordingly.
Until you took all the responsibility you were handing over to another.
Until you stopped blaming others for what you were doing to yourself.
Sure, they were ‘using’ you for ‘supply’.
So what?
You were using them to become greater.
They were the catalyst that catapulted you into the stratosphere of genuine power.
If, and only if, you were smart enough to do the work.
So…
The ‘narcissist’ was never the problem.
They were the gift.
The invitation.
The initiation.
Into you.
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Don't Blame The Narc (An Essay)
in Essays, Narc Shit, Victim Bullshit, Wee, Grid
To blame the ‘narcissist’ for ‘manipulating’ you into ignoring that initial gut feeling and your brilliant inner knowing is completely absurd.
Own your choice to ignore yourself to gain something else from them.
This isn’t ‘victim-blaming’.
It’s adult responsibility-taking.
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Undercover Narc (An Essay)
Only the powerless feel the need to deceive.
To hide, to perform, to resort to secrecy.
To control, to manipulate, to exploit and to take.
To maintain something false, no matter what is at stake.
And only because they’ve (temporarily) forgotten how powerful they actually are, and mistakenly believe they must swindle the world to get what they actually want.
But what’s rightfully theirs already exists.
Beyond the need to fabricate a thing.
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It's Harrowing (An Essay)
“It’s harrowing”…
to drop the mask
to face yourself
to have nowhere to hide
“It’s harrowing”…
to admit what you’ve done
to run from yourself
to keep trudging along
“It’s harrowing”…
to keep up the act
to now watch your back
to now be exposed
“It’s harrowing”…
to be what you are
when what you’ve become
is so far from home
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When The Delulu Disappears (An Essay)
when the delulu disappears
and the trauma goggles drop
when you see through all the lies
that weren’t enough to make you stop
when the hope has finally died
because you see it for what it is
the attachment swiftly breaks
and you return to innocence
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The Narcissist & The Borderline
“The meeting between the narcissist and his victim is a meeting of two hungers. The victim is hungry for love and intimacy and acceptance, and the narcissist is hungry for existence. The narcissist tries to become through the victim. The narcissist tries to exist through the victim. But the sad irony is that the only way for the narcissist to exist through the victim is to abscond with her existence. And the only way for the narcissist to become through the victim is to deny the victim her own becoming. And on the other end of the equation, the only way for the victim to obtain love from the narcissist is to stop being. To not be. And the only way for her to maintain intimacy with a narcissist is to become as much of an absence as he is. And this is the predicament and the conundrum of the shared fantasy. It is a meeting of two irreconcilable and incompatible hungers.” Sam Vaknin
Going No Contact (An Essay)
Going ‘no contact’ achieves nothing if you’re still energetically bound.
It provides a temporary buffer at most,
for you to start getting your shit together by breaking shit apart.
But if you’re not doing the actual work of addressing and correcting what led to this twisted dynamic that you’re now needing / trying to extract yourself from,
you’ll just be going ‘no contact’ with the next one and the one after that.
Until you finally see that YOU are the source of this fucked up dynamic;
not the ones you need to break away from.
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You Left You (An Essay)
Being in a ‘toxic’ / ‘abusive’ / ‘narcissistic’ relationship doesn’t erode your self-trust.
You never had it to begin with.
Hence said relationship.
You didn’t honour what you knew and felt from the start.
Because something else was more important to you.
And then shit went sideways as it inevitably would and you blamed the other for the hot mess you were in.
But it was you who left you to get something from them.
Instead of giving it to yourself.
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P.S. Being in a ‘healthy’ (or seemingly healthier) relationship post-‘toxic’ relationship, still isn’t IT if you’re now, once again, looking to another for what you’re still not generating for yourself, no matter how good it feels (for now), because whatever was not truly dealt with will inevitably rear its head.
You’re outsourcing from a ‘cleaner’ supply but you’re still outsourcing regardless.
#theylovemesonowilovemetoo
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Smashed To Smithereens (An Essay)
we are two planets colliding
getting smashed to smithereens
and when the damage is done
there is s p a c e
and in that space
we recalibrate
shocked and startled
once again
neither knowing what’s to come
from the rubble left in our wake
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Thrown Off My Game (An Essay)
if it didn’t destroy me
if parts of me weren’t forced to die
repeatedly
and quite potently
through the is-ness of he and i
there’d be no pull for me to stay
not with him —
but with all that arises
through the mutual destruction
our interactions bring
this alone is what interests me
because i’m interested in what disturbs me
and throws me off my game
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