Pain

Human vs Being (An Essay)

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Human: runs from the present / dwells on the non-existent past / fears the illusory future / perpetually resists what IS (and suffers because of it) / consistently holds back truth / avoids making the true move / believes things, others, and life need(s) to be a certain way in order to feel okay / creates and then lives within endless, baseless, utterly insane stories / denies its sovereignty / blames the world and others and pretends to be a victim / takes zero responsibility for the creation and quality of its own experience / looks out instead of in…

Being: “And you wonder why you feel like shit?”

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You're Asking The Wrong Question (An Essay)

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It's not: "How do I get the clients / make the money / overcome the addiction / heal the pain / resolve this health and / or relationship 'issue'?"

It's: "When will I stop saying YES to a NO? When will I stop supressing what's true? When will I make being the living truth my full-time job regardless of who or what is in front of me?"

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Late To My Own Party (An Essay)

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Years ago I wrote,

“Why is the world so late to my party?”

Because I knew what I was.

And yet, I could barely touch HER.

And I thought (rather felt — not even consciously — only in retrospect) that if others caught on before I did, I’d somehow land in ME.

Except plenty did catch on.

Plenty saw ME long before I saw HER.

Long before I could live as HER without the split that kept me blind.

It was me not showing up for MY party.

And I didn’t even know.

All I knew was that it hurt so bad,

to feel so damn far from ME.

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“I heard someone say that you should always be a half a step ahead because otherwise a full step is too far and people aren’t able to follow along. Sure, you stand alone but like… literally all alone. I’ve always felt so far ahead and also very much alone. This need to be understood and followed by others has what has kept me waiting and idling while I hope the world will catch up. Then… before I know it, someone else has created that thing that has been incubating and was now sitting dead and unhatched. To have a finger in the pulse of something that isn’t actually alive yet takes balls and yes... big ole dick energy to carry forth into the world. Always fucking waiting for the world to catch up is a trap. Plus… it’s not even fun doing shit everyone else is doing anyway. Man, what was I thinking.” Kristin Moyer

Victim + Saviour Bullshit (An Essay)

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The impulse to ‘save’ someone from their own suffering by ‘helping’, ‘fixing’, ‘holding space’, or ‘filling in the gap’,

actually affirms and prolongs it.

When you see yourself and others as you and they truly are — innately sovereign, self-governing and free — you wouldn’t dream of interrupting and slowing down the necessary burning that’s unfolding as a result of what they (as innately sovereign, self-governing, free beings) have created for themselves.

But that is precisely what you do when you say or do something from the stance of ‘poor them’, and buy into the delusion that you have what they need or possess something they don’t.

This is also why you, at your very core, don’t want to be saved (impossible anyways) when you’re in the shit.

What you actually want is to be the Master of yourself and the domain that’s housed by you.

And so do they, despite appearances.

And you can’t experience that, or activate that in another, if you still believe in victims and saviours.

There are none.

There is just you and what you choose to do or not do in this and every moment with each and every person as the innately sovereign, self-governing and free being that you are.

And…

Dropping saviour-mode is not about being a heartless jerk as you watch another suffer.

It’s about seeing them clearly (powerful as fuck) and seeing what’s happening clearly (illusion running the show) and only doing what you genuinely feel pulled to do from that clean / clear spot of knowing; not from an illusory victim / saviour stance.

Because the only reason you’d ever jump into saviour-mode in the first place is because you actually believe in victims and you’re arrogant and silly enough to believe that you can actually save them.

#isaidwhatisaid

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If You're Worried About Another (An Essay)

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When you stop focusing on or worrying about others (your fellow innately powerful and sovereign beings), and instead start to focus on cleaning up your shit, there’s a high fucking chance that those others will also begin to clean up their shit as well, without you even saying a word.

Even if your redirection is disruptive or confusing for them at first, if there’s a part of them that’s ready to rock and roll, they will.

Which is why those closest to you (or anyone else in your field) can experience a reduction, if not the complete dissolution of, addiction, depression, disorders, ailments, anxiety, etc (the things you keep worrying about with regards to them), because you being fully in charge of yourself provides the opportunity (energetic framing) for them to land in that same powerful energy inside themselves.

It seems like magic.

But it’s not.

In one’s purest, most natural energetic state,

none of those unsavoury things actually exist.

It’s impossible.

They’re just how one copes with not being in, and applying, one’s power.

When someone has deviated from the truth and natural movements of their being (a complete betrayal to one’s system), the only way to live with that internal split is to distract one’s self with self-created ‘issues’ that would not exist (and ultimately don’t) had they remained in their power (their natural state) in the first place.

Thus, these ‘issues’ were created and held onto for a reason.

And when that reason dissolves, POOF goes the issue.

That’s how people can ‘cure’ themselves of ABC without years of XYZ.

It’s always and only about the energy.

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No Take Backsies (An Essay)

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It’s not necessary, possible or even favourable to be completely free of your conditioning / ego / false self / illusions.

It’s your custom-made, blade-sharpening playground.

And…

The deeper you go,

the more creative it gets,

and the more precise you get to be.

Which can be exhilarating.

But only once you’ve cut through the majority of its density.

Until that point, it feels painful, real and incredibly overwhelming.

You only catch occasional slivers of something beyond it before it fades back into chaos as quickly as it came.

And from that vantage point, it’s hard to imagine a life lived primarily from that clarity you only caught a glimpse of.

But it’s possible.

And inevitable.

Of course it can be this good.

This rich.

This deep.

Because ultimately it’s who you actually are underneath and beyond the conditioning that’s been created by, and gifted to, you.

Providing endless portals to places that you could never imagine,

but are just an ‘of course’ to YOU.

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Did You Forget You're In Charge? (An Essay)

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forgetting that you’re completely in charge of

and responsible for

yourself

your choices

and every piece of your life

inevitably leads to:

pain

suffering

and feelings of (pick your poison):

powerlessness

victimhood

depression

dread

resignation

boredom

fear

anger

apathy

doubt

worry

anxiety

and even more unsavoury vibes

so you can live in that forgetfulness for life (most do)

or…

choose power

choose freedom

choose truth

choose you

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Why You Go Through Hell (An Essay)

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You can’t ignore, soften, repress or shrink who you are and live an exceptional life.

You can’t shape shift for the world each day and then wonder why you’re depressed, anxious, suicidal, bored or angry.

THAT'S WHY YOU EXPERIENCE THOSE THINGS.

That's your incredibly brilliant system telling you VERY FUCKING CLEARLY that what you think you need to do and who you think you need to be to exist in the world (and with others), is not the answer.

The answer is so fucking simple.

Be YOU. Full out.

Which is the hardest thing

(even if it’s the most natural thing)

for most people to do.

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Trying To Change Another (An Essay)

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another person’s attempt to change you

their desire for you to be less self-expressed

less potent

less YOU

is nothing more than an indication

that they deeply crave to be just as self-expressed

(whatever that looks like for them)

but instead of choosing that for themselves

(which they can do at any time)

they try to diminish it in you

(like they’ve been doing to themselves)

to cope with the pain of that perpetual self-denial

that excruciating and ever-present pain

of rejecting

and denying

the fullness of who they are

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Clean Love (An Essay)

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doing something

anything

for or with a person

because you feel guilty or pressured

because you feel bad / sorry / pity for them

because you think they need saving

because you believe it’s your job to ‘help’ them

because you can’t withstand their pain

because ‘it’s just what you do when…’

is not pure

it’s not love

it’s an ulterior motive to ‘get’ something from the experience

(validation / purpose / worthiness / love / security etc)

and to alleviate the tension inside of you

for your own comfort; not theirs

but when you do something

anything

for or with a person

because it is what you truly want to do

knowing that no one needs saving

knowing that you’re not here to ‘help’ through contrived, measured, self-serving, pat-on-the-back receiving, recordable / postable actions and mindless obedience to the status quo…

but through the raw truth of your being and your devotion to the pulse of YOU

(and nothing is more ‘helpful’ than that)

knowing that another person’s pain is not bigger than you

or them

and that it’s not a problem to be fixed

at all

knowing that what you do or don’t do in any given moment is perfect

despite appearances

regardless of convention

no matter how another perceives it

simply because it’s what’s true right now…

then it is clean

then it is love

because it doesn’t require you or another to abandon / shrink / dilute / change / over-extend a thing for the ‘other’

or to maintain the delusion that such a thing is required to show love or to be loved in the first place

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The Anger is on You (An Essay)

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The extent of your anger, frustration and resentment towards another, is in direct proportion to the extent you’ve compromised, denied, silenced or abandoned yourself ‘for the sake’ of said person / relationship, which was never required, but chosen, for your perceived benefit (and to your actual detriment); not theirs.

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No More Journals (An Essay)

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well...

a couple hundred journals of mine

spanning over 25 years

have now left the building

i just watched them get picked up

get compressed

and taken away

along with the stories

the past

the process

the pain

(and whatever else those treasures contained)

no ritual went along with this task

no tears have been shed (as of yet)

just a decision tonight

to lighten the load

and this post to say farewell

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