Doing The Blessed Thing (An Essay)

you would never…

have to talk about your relationship

have issues in your relationship

have to work on your relationship

#workingonitneverworks

if you were both in complete integrity

and fully in your power already

#relationshipgoalsamiright

you’d just be in your relationship

doing the blessed thing

the most natural thing in the world

#loveiswhoyouare

‘problems’ only arise because you haven’t been speaking / living / being truth

you haven’t been taking full responsibility for your side of the court

you have been looking to

and waiting on

the other for something that’s not theirs to give

and that accumulation of bullshit creates ‘problems’

as it should and as it must

not because ‘all couples have problems’

but because ‘all people who aren’t living in integrity and look outside of themselves for something / anything’ — have problems

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The Chasm Between He And I (An Essay)

The chasm between he and I is immense.

Always has been.

Except, of course, when it’s not.

The only thing that has and could ever bridge that incredible divide is pure presence.

No self.

Those rare and delicious moments that he’s described as unimaginable, when we are both simultaneously present AND absent.

This or nothing.

AND

This because there’s nothing.

Which is why it’s futile to ‘work on’ the so-called relationship.

The only work is HERE; not there.

#remainempty

Within me; not with him.

(he is not my business)

Which is why I don’t care about bridging our divide.

I care about bridging my own.

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The Powerless Departure (An Essay)

After getting ‘triggered’ by a move of mine that ‘threatened’ (broke) the container we had once been operating within (and our relationship was contingent upon),

I had a close-to-me-for-many-years human attempt to end our relationship.

‘Attempt’ because there’s no such thing as an ending (or a relationship for that matter, but that’s for another day).

And all because they couldn’t figure out how to use me and our experience to erect themselves further.

So they collapsed (and not in the hot way)

once again / for now / forever / who cares.

Which means they didn’t actually ‘leave’.

And they didn’t achieve a thing.

Because there was zero power in their so-called split.

They ‘left’ (collapsed) instead of saying / doing / BEING the truest thing.

The rawest thing.

That would shatter everything.

In both themselves and in me.

But that would have required them to stand firm and fully in who they truly are.

And they were not ready for that, at least not that day.

So they ‘left’ and stayed right in place.

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The Divide (An Essay)

The ‘issues’ between you and another are never the actual issues.

It’s a lack of consciousness.

A lack of accountability.

A lack of integrity.

Ignoring the k(no)w.

And that discord / divide shows up as those ‘issues’ because you are not yet in your power.

You aren’t yet saying or doing what needs to be said or done.

If you were, there’d be no ‘issues’.

There would just be truth.

Which is the only thing that can set you free from those never-ending ‘issues’.

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Two For One (An Essay)

I had a call with a hottie who I soon realized was nowhere close to being ready for a call with me.

She was committed to her stories.

She didn’t actually want to be free.

So I interrupted her mental masturbation by letting her know this isn’t the work I do, and I ended the Zoom call.

She called me on Messenger a moment later.

And I had no problem picking up because ‘new moment, new everything’ in Mandyland.

I was happy to start again.

But she was still there; not here.

So I ended that call, too.

*sends a cheeky new invoice*

Because that is the work I do.

(Read Part 2)

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Stuck Together (An Essay)

if the only thing keeping you together is your unnatural attachment to one another

(and all attachment is unnatural)

made possible only through the sticky and accumulated shit you have both brought to the relationship table

things like your respective and shared pasts

your so-called traumas

your personal needs and desires

your ongoing focus on yourself and the other

then you’re not yet truly together

because of all that shit in the way

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Cheating (An Essay)

(My response to a lame Netflix documentary)

Cheating isn’t a ‘mistake’.

It’s a choice.

It’s a decision to hide and to deceive.

Over and over and over again.

And…

It’s a weak and powerless move / series of moves.

Because it’s ‘easier’ to sneak around than to muster the strength to be fully transparent with the one you claim you love and ‘risk’ whatever comes from that.

And of course you have your reasons (excuses) to not live in truth.

Everyone does.

Reasons to not demonstrate love for yourself and another by being honest about what already is.

You’re scared.

You have something to ‘lose’.

You don’t want to hurt them.

Whatever the fuck.

Still weak.

Still powerless.

Still not taking full responsibility for yourself and your choices and doing what needs to be done.

Being with others isn’t an issue.

Hiding that you are, is.

And even that isn’t the real ‘issue’.

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The Next Isn't Better (An Essay)

I’d rather do the work within the current dynamic than to swap it out for another supposedly easier and better ride.

Because the next one won’t be ’better’.

The same work will meet me there, too.

So I do it from exactly where I am.

From whatever I find myself in.

The ‘next’ I actually want and crave,

will arise naturally from that.

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Good Morning (An Essay)

It’s about going to bed and waking up empty.

Completely at peace.

Detached from all of it.

Having done whatever was required that day to untangle yourself from whatever web you got yourself into.

It’s about dealing with the inner mess / movement / turmoil until you’re still and empty once again.

Until you stop caring at all.

Not in a heartless way.

In the purest way.

The way you already are underneath all that you are not.

It’s the detachment from caring about what does or doesn’t happen.

About what is or isn’t happening.

The sweetest and most natural place to be.

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If You're Looking For A Sign (An Essay)

You don’t need something outside of yourself to access truth.

No decks, no horoscopes, no numbers.

No ‘signs’ of any kind at all.

You already know what you need to know.

But since you don’t trust that knowing,

you seek confirmation,

validation,

a sense of direction,

from anywhere but HERE.

Acting as if something external wields more power and wisdom than the god that you are.

And even if you do manage to ‘get’ the answer from these placebos,

it’s not because they contained something you didn’t.

The answer was never in those things to begin with.

It was inside of you all along.

You just decided to take the long way around because you weren’t willing to trust what you know.

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Obliteration Dance (An Essay)

I chose him precisely because of the density.

The grit.

For the perceived dysfunction that would highlight my own so I could erect what had long been limp.

I used him to purify myself.

To be stripped even further.

To stay until nothing was left.

From the outside, it looked insane.

And to my human, it felt like hell.

But obliteration was what I was after.

Why else would I have danced right there?

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Mandyland Math (An Essay)

Right now new math is swirling around the internet.

There’s boy math.

Girl math.

Even gay math.

So here’s some Mandyland Math:

1. The less you care, the more you love.

2. What’s in line with the being feels out of line to the human.

3. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING (especially every so-called ‘bad’ thing), makes you more, regardless of what you’ve ‘lost’.

4. You gotta go where it hurts to feel better.

5. The saner you are, the more insane you (and they) appear.

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Your Verbal Line In The Sand (An Essay)

Me: “You verbally express it because you can’t energetically hold it.”

Her: “Is this always the case?”

No.

If they’re energetically backed, you can feel the power through whatever words you speak.

But it’s not the words themselves doing the speaking.

It’s the energy behind them.

The words are chosen but they’re not necessary to deliver the message, which is already felt and known with or without the words.

What I’m pointing to is the use of words (like setting boundaries) with no energetic backing — the reason you’re relying on words to deliver the message in the first place.

A message that won’t actually come through because the words are a compensation instead of a vehicle to deliver truth.

And since words can’t override the truth of where you are (or aren’t) and make what’s not true, true…

using words in an attempt to achieve what you’ve yet to earn energetically (and wouldn't need to name had you earned and achieved it already), demonstrates that split.

Get it?

You wouldn’t need to draw a line in the sand with words if the line was energetically there to begin with.

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Beyond Your Identity (An Essay)

the things you identify with

or (mis)perceive yourself to be

your past

your pain

your story

your race

your age

your body

your gender and orientation

your role as this

your status as that

your (fill in the blank) that matters so much

all of these things

at the deepest level

are not who you actually are

and the more strongly you identify with whatever it is

and get heated and protest for or against it

or heaven forbid

attempt to protect it

(because who would you be without ‘it’, am i right?)

the further you are

from the ultimate truth

hence your need to identify

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The Myth Of Detachment (An Essay)

Being detached doesn’t equal being unfeeling.

In fact, the less that’s in the way (the less matter aka attachment there is), the more deeply you feel precisely because the moment / experience / person / relationship isn’t being filtered through a dense / matter-filled lens, thereby providing the richest, deepest and most purified dance through each moment of life.

When you can see things and others for what they truly are (pure energy), without the overlay of human distortion / judgement / attachment / need,

and you know viscerally (not just intellectually) that when you truly don’t care about or buy into the illusions that almost everyone holds tight to (which can make you appear cold and heartless to those still mired in non-existent shit),

you’re primed for potency and possess the capacity to experience and feel it ALL.

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Raw-Dogging Life (An Essay)

Others can point to IT.

Be a demonstration of IT (at best).

But the IT you seek comes from one thing only:

daring to be present enough in your own experience (no matter what it contains) to do the actual work of facing, feeling and seeing right through whatever shit is in the way of your heaven.

Raw-dogging life.

No buffer.

It’s as simple and as hard as that.

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Surrender vs Submission (An Essay)

In his brilliant work (The Untethered Soul, Living Untethered, The Michael Singer Podcast), Michael Singer uses the word ‘surrender’ (a lot) for what is actually full submission (aka ‘going blind’, as he noted so accurately).

But words are just words.

It’s the energy that speaks.

And his energy speaks volumes.

Typically when others speak and write of surrender,

I cringe a little because you can feel the powerlessness in it.

They’re expressing from a passive / hopeful state.

It’s a giving up.

A handing over.

A feeling of defeat.

At times it’s even manipulative.

It’s: ‘I’ll do this so I can get that.”

It’s pretending not to care while caring very much.

It’s pretending to let go while waiting for it to come.

The energy of surrender is powerless.

The energy of submission, however…

is PURE. FUCKING. POWER.

It’s fully engaged.

It’s a deeply felt KNOWing.

It’s actively remaining still.

Even when it seems that nothing is ‘happening’.

Because existing wide awake and never moving IS the happening.

So that is the distinction.

Submission is being erect / intact / discerning.

Which is the opposite of surrender.

It’s actually never surrendering.

It’s never resorting to powerlessness.

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Consistency Isn't Required (An Essay)

Consistency in the physical isn’t required when you’re energetically intact.

When you’re in complete integrity with yourself, you create consistency on the only level that matters, and your system (and every extension of it) works more efficiently than you can imagine regardless of how things are or aren’t ‘adding up’ externally.

This doesn’t mean that being in integrity can’t also include consistency in the physical.

You just aren’t reliant on contrived external movements (moves sourced from ulterior motives) to ‘achieve’ your so-called results.

Because here’s a fun fact:

The best ‘results’ come from ‘dissolving’ inner resistance (seeing through matter which turns it right back to nothing); not from applying force externally in an attempt to compensate for the accumulation of matter that’s creating said resistance.

That same inner resistance you’re trying to ‘overcome’ and override by doing all the things, is the only (illusory) thing you actually need to ‘work on’.

The rest takes care of itself.

When you are free of that inner resistance,

free of the need to manage things in the physical,

free of the impulse to ‘make’ things happen,

you’ll naturally move in ways that are beneficial to you.

You’ll instinctively be led to whatever movements (or non-movements — same thing) that will further your mission to be and remain intact, regardless of what you do or don’t do.

This ultimately lands you in the perfect spots ‘out there’ as well, which simply can’t happen when you focus exclusively on what you’re doing externally, without questioning why you feel the need to do those things in the first place.

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The Helliest Hell There Is (An Essay)

Living inside a NO is one of the helliest hells there is.

It’s a complete mindfuck.

It ensures you’ll continually be, and quite unsuccessfully, managing the content of the experience that you (often regrettably) said yes to, instead of enjoying the magic that’s delivered on the other side of each very exacting and undeniably brilliant NO.

It ensures that the experience you weren’t ever meant to be part of in the first place (cuz your NO fucking told you so), gets messier, uglier, louder and even more distorted and impossible to ‘resolve’, the longer you stay beyond said NO.

And until you recognize and own your original transgression (as well as each subsequent one), you’ll mistakenly point to the other (and what they are or aren’t being or doing), or to the situation itself (and all the ways it fucking blows) for why you’re so unhappy in the experience that YOU said yes to while knowing it was a NO.

You might even feel and begin to act like a victim of circumstance, and you can undoubtedly rally others to support this false narrative, but you knew from the start and you still chose to go so where is the victim in that?

It’s just easier to defer your power and call it by another name than to own it and tell it like it is.

It’s easier to blame your past for what you’re choosing and experiencing in the present than to do what needs to be done.

It’s easier to say yes ‘for’ or ‘because of’ this or that, rather than to honour that exquisite NO and take the imagined risk that such a bold move brings, without knowing why this just isn’t IT.

But you’ll learn soon enough.

You’ll inevitably discover firsthand why your system warned you against what you’re now in the midst of enduring, and are currently, often repeatedly, trying to extract yourself from.

And it’s perfect.

It was unavoidable.

And it’s all by your own design.

Because if you were seasoned enough to not do that wonky thing you do (ignoring what you know), you wouldn’t create these experiences for yourself to learn how not to get to the point where you’re at right now.

So you can’t lose regardless of how lost you feel or what you perceive you’ve lost through each ordeal, because each one effectively shows you where you veered off, and one day you just won’t.

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The Confusing + Captivating Type (An Essay)

Those who are living in integrity with themselves are confusing and / or captivating (at times, even terrifying) to those who are not.

But it’s not because they know something that others don’t.

They’re just doing what most are not yet willing to do.

And until you’re in integrity with yourself, it’s not possible for you to touch what you misperceive those others have access to but you don’t.

So do the fucking work.

The work of actually listening to, and honouring, yourself.

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