Essays
I don’t know,
or even care about,
who or what is on the (illusory) other side of this deepening.
I don’t care who or what stays.
I don’t care who or what goes.
I don’t care who or what arrives.
At all.
I only care about being right here.
Right now.
Connected to the truth and pulse of me.
Why would I leave home for anything?
For anyone?
All that’s for me always lands at my feet.
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You’re ‘bringing in’ the exact amount of money that’s ‘right’ for you every step of the way.
No matter how much or how little it is, it’s accurate.
Even if all you’re doing is creating more debt, it’s perfect.
Not permanent.
But still right / true / and 100% created by YOU.
You may want a different amount of money in your bank account.
Or more consistency.
Sure.
But YOU know that whatever is coming in / not coming in / being invested / being borrowed, is the accurate amount at the accurate speed for wherever you are right now.
No exceptions.
It is YOU orchestrating this exact scenario at this exact moment in time precisely for what you must cultivate through it regardless of what you think about it and how different you think it should be.
And this is across the board until the day you die as the guru and student of your own life.
But you fight against truth.
You fight against YOU.
Instead of honouring the brilliance of what’s unfolding.
Instead of doing the work that’s required of you to see through what’s in front of you.
Judging or blaming yourself / others / the world for what’s happening or not happening with ‘your’ money.
It’s never about the money / others / the world.
It’s about you vs YOU.
Always.
The dollars (or lack thereof) just perfectly show you what’s up.
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Him: “Already got the title for my first Reddit post: How to date a gay man trapped in the body of a woman who identifies as an alien cat.”
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Last night I dreamed I was laying on the ground in the dark.
I felt peaceful and happy.
Then I realized I was actually underground.
Hundreds (maybe thousands?) of feet below the surface.
I couldn’t see it but I knew there was an opening where this hole the size of me had begun.
And I knew I was too deep for anyone to reach.
I knew that if they even tried, the earth would collapse above me and I would die.
And I knew that if I moved, I’d face the same fate.
Yet I still felt peaceful and happy.
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I now laugh at the fact that I ever looked outside of myself for anything.
And…
I understand why I chose to self-abandon as a youngin (and beyond) in the first place.
The same reason any of us do.
That is, until we don’t.
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Random guy in a 9-5 he hates after asking me about what I do…
Him: “I guess I’m not your ideal client then because I don’t need someone to fuck my shit up.”
Me: “You’re not my ideal client because you’re still content working in a 9-5 you hate.”
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“But I don’t have the money.”
Who said money is even required?
If it’s for you, meaning that desire is sourced from the absolute truth of YOU, it’s not dependent on you having the money right now.
You’re never limited to your own bank account or bound by the laws in the physical.
You absolutely CAN birth that desire from the ethers regardless of your current circumstance.
You have access to ALL possibilities.
Beyond what you can even imagine.
But your devotion to the physical, to what can be seen and measured in this moment, kills the magic on contact and reduces your options to none.
You believe that what you see is all there is, and that’s where you go wrong.
So you don’t even make your true move.
The exact move you’re being told to do that will actually dissolve the exact thing you misperceive is real.
The move that will open the floodgates to the MORE your being is pulling you towards RIGHT NOW.
The more you claim you want but aren’t even willing to step into.
Because you listen to the mind.
Because you refuse to go blind.
Because you operate within the illusion of time.
“I don’t have enough.”
“I can’t see how.”
“It must not be for me right now.”
While your whole being is screaming GO.
But since you have no money and you have no proof, you’re like NAH, BRUH.
I’ll stay right here.
In the place I’ve always been.
And that’s why you don’t get the thing, my friend.
You’ve ignored yourself once again.
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i don’t leave myself for him
he doesn’t leave himself for me
we remain intact
separately
the sole portal
to
true intimacy
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As we were walking to the restaurant after the most delicious experience with him to date…
Me: “I feel so relaxed and satisfied.”
Him: “You said the same thing when you got here after I asked you about your day.”
Me: “I guess that’s just how I exist.”
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He doesn’t care about the orgasm.
Like me, he’s here for the experience.
SEX over sex.
Always.
Even when it includes sex or the orgasm.
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I wanted to start this post with, “I had the best SEX ever last night.”
Because that’s how I describe whatever truly hits my spot.
The best (fill in the blank) ever.
Because in the moment, that’s how it feels.
Floating in heaven.
Nothing can top THIS.
But more accurately, it’s just another delicious experience of presence and truth which always feels like heaven.
Yummy.
Delicious.
Swoon.
And as we played, it was so quiet.
So still.
Even amongst the sounds and movements.
It was the most natural dance with another.
With myself.
Through the other who is me.
A dance so fluid I didn’t notice the moves.
I only felt the dance.
I can’t even say that the SEX keeps getting better, deeper, richer…
because that would imply it was less so the first night and that wasn’t the case at all.
We moved beautifully and seamlessly and magically then as well.
Because presence in the NOW is as deep as it gets.
Playing for the first time EVERY time.
Why show up for less?
We’ve never replicated previous scenes.
Nor have we tried to create one.
Art is made in the moment.
Last night, another masterpiece.
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No one owes you a thing.
Not their time.
Attention.
Love.
Response.
Understanding.
Validation.
Explanation.
Support.
It’s either given freely or for a reason that’s untrue.
Either way, it’s still not owed to you.
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It’s not true that once you clear the matter, you automatically get the thing.
You clear the matter and see that it was never about the thing in the first place.
You clear the matter and know you’ll be good with or without this thing (or any other thing you misperceive you need / ‘deserve’ / are entitled to) because there’s no longer any weight attached to it.
And…
Sure you might get the thing.
In spades.
Or something else entirely.
Beyond what you could have imagined.
But only IF / when / how it’s true for your being.
Something you can’t control.
Ultimately, you’re always getting exactly what’s true for you anyways.
Like clockwork every step of the way.
Regardless AND because of the matter.
Which means that matter can’t stop you from getting what’s yours
because you’re never not getting precisely that.
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As of late, I’ve been floating further away from form.
And last night it became clear that the platform / vehicle through which I was intending to showcase my upcoming collection, was no longer a fit.
Any sense of restriction,
containment,
management,
anything based on time…
any reliance on another or a thing in any way…
feels too dense / too heavy / too cluttered for me.
I need things as light and seamless and Mandy as can be.
And…
I’ve created so much art and beauty this year.
So much went on behind the scenes.
So much that’s been waiting for the perfect home.
I can’t wait to bring you up to speed.
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When someone complains about my lack of empathy, all I hear is:
“I’m not yet willing to take full responsibility for my energetic state so I’m looking to you to fill in this uncomfortable gap between who I misperceive myself to be and the power I’ve yet to claim.”
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“The whole thing is like a movie.”
Him, last night, after our last few hours together before he leaves for a month.
When I tell him or others that he’s my favourite human, it’s because he is the purest.
Meaning, he has less shit in the way than anyone I’ve ever played with romantically.
Every being is pure, of course.
But most humans are drenched in matter.
Drowning in the abyss.
Overflowing with insanity.
Hard to reach from where it counts.
But not him.
Our experience is so light.
So empty.
Full of space and filled with life.
And the lived experience of that is a deep sense of calm and peace - one’s natural state.
Which creates an effortless, seamless, extraordinary dance.
A dream within a glorious dream.
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Even as I write about men,
it’s not about them.
How could it be?
They’re my very own creation.
Birthed from the core of me.
And the quality of my experience with them (or anything else in my life) is never about, or dependent upon, them or another.
The dynamic is impersonal.
The players are interchangeable.
Because it’s all just energy, baby.
Who and what’s being presented as I play my own game is never about the specific person or thing.
They’re just the vessels through which I explore Mandyland.
The playground that has no rules.
And every single piece,
I’ve orchestrated for myself.
Brilliantly.
Effortlessly.
Whether I like what I see or not.
I’m curating all of it - no exceptions - to sharpen the blade of me.
Which is why even in the midst of this beauty,
I’m not attached to any of it.
I don’t ‘hope’ it continues.
I don’t believe this is as good as it gets.
Because I know that the energetic quality,
the purity of me and all that I create,
is increasing constantly.
Exponentially.
There’s always more for me.
And I know that all I ever have to do is be Mandy,
just Mandy,
for life to shape itself beautifully,
seamlessly,
around,
within,
and through me.
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I’m sure I’ll be what’s considered ‘single’ for the rest of my life.
I’m not made to be in what most would view as a ‘relationship’, no matter what I’m experiencing with another (or others).
How could I ‘commit’ to a fellow human (insane).
To anything of this world.
My devotion is to my own evolution.
And to the truth of the moment I’m in.
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While talking with the fellow about our recent ‘disconnect’ (which is not how I experience it; it’s just truth being played out moment to moment):
Me: “You felt like I left?”
Him: “I never felt like I had you in the first place. You’re a mystery to me.”
Me: “Well, no one’s ever ‘had’ me. But you’ve had more of me than most.”
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While talking about his previous dynamic…
Me: “Why did you end things?”
Him: “I couldn’t feel her.”
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