Zero Point
He doesn’t care about the orgasm.
Like me, he’s here for the experience.
SEX over sex.
Always.
Even when it includes sex or the orgasm.
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You already have what you actually want.
You’re just taking the long way around.
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X is what you use to avoid the true move.
When you make the true move,
X ‘disappears’.
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I wanted to start this post with, “I had the best SEX ever last night.”
Because that’s how I describe whatever truly hits my spot.
The best (fill in the blank) ever.
Because in the moment, that’s how it feels.
Floating in heaven.
Nothing can top THIS.
But more accurately, it’s just another delicious experience of presence and truth which always feels like heaven.
Yummy.
Delicious.
Swoon.
And as we played, it was so quiet.
So still.
Even amongst the sounds and movements.
It was the most natural dance with another.
With myself.
Through the other who is me.
A dance so fluid I didn’t notice the moves.
I only felt the dance.
I can’t even say that the SEX keeps getting better, deeper, richer…
because that would imply it was less so the first night and that wasn’t the case at all.
We moved beautifully and seamlessly and magically then as well.
Because presence in the NOW is as deep as it gets.
Playing for the first time EVERY time.
Why show up for less?
We’ve never replicated previous scenes.
Nor have we tried to create one.
Art is made in the moment.
Last night, another masterpiece.
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When you see through and exist beyond space and time, it’s a pretty fucking epic ride.
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It’s not true that once you clear the matter, you automatically get the thing.
You clear the matter and see that it was never about the thing in the first place.
You clear the matter and know you’ll be good with or without this thing (or any other thing you misperceive you need / ‘deserve’ / are entitled to) because there’s no longer any weight attached to it.
And…
Sure you might get the thing.
In spades.
Or something else entirely.
Beyond what you could have imagined.
But only IF / when / how it’s true for your being.
Something you can’t control.
Ultimately, you’re always getting exactly what’s true for you anyways.
Like clockwork every step of the way.
Regardless AND because of the matter.
Which means that matter can’t stop you from getting what’s yours
because you’re never not getting precisely that.
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from the depths
from the silence
from the world
beyond this one
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It’s about how still and spacious you are (and stay) as every piece drops in.
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“The whole thing is like a movie.”
Him, last night, after our last few hours together before he leaves for a month.
When I tell him or others that he’s my favourite human, it’s because he is the purest.
Meaning, he has less shit in the way than anyone I’ve ever played with romantically.
Every being is pure, of course.
But most humans are drenched in matter.
Drowning in the abyss.
Overflowing with insanity.
Hard to reach from where it counts.
But not him.
Our experience is so light.
So empty.
Full of space and filled with life.
And the lived experience of that is a deep sense of calm and peace - one’s natural state.
Which creates an effortless, seamless, extraordinary dance.
A dream within a glorious dream.
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Even as I write about men,
it’s not about them.
How could it be?
They’re my very own creation.
Birthed from the core of me.
And the quality of my experience with them (or anything else in my life) is never about, or dependent upon, them or another.
The dynamic is impersonal.
The players are interchangeable.
Because it’s all just energy, baby.
Who and what’s being presented as I play my own game is never about the specific person or thing.
They’re just the vessels through which I explore Mandyland.
The playground that has no rules.
And every single piece,
I’ve orchestrated for myself.
Brilliantly.
Effortlessly.
Whether I like what I see or not.
I’m curating all of it - no exceptions - to sharpen the blade of me.
Which is why even in the midst of this beauty,
I’m not attached to any of it.
I don’t ‘hope’ it continues.
I don’t believe this is as good as it gets.
Because I know that the energetic quality,
the purity of me and all that I create,
is increasing constantly.
Exponentially.
There’s always more for me.
And I know that all I ever have to do is be Mandy,
just Mandy,
for life to shape itself beautifully,
seamlessly,
around,
within,
and through me.
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I’m sure I’ll be what’s considered ‘single’ for the rest of my life.
I’m not made to be in what most would view as a ‘relationship’, no matter what I’m experiencing with another (or others).
How could I ‘commit’ to a fellow human (insane).
To anything of this world.
My devotion is to my own evolution.
And to the truth of the moment I’m in.
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The energetic atmosphere tells you all you need to know.
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He reminds me of a Leonard Cohen quote.
“You go your way. I’ll go your way, too.”
He moves with me seamlessly.
Effortlessly.
With nothing in between.
A dance so quiet, so tender, so natural, so close.
So light.
So pure.
So empty.
So free.
Little is spoken.
Yet everything is said.
“Mine.”
“Yours.”
Here we are.
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If you’re not being transported,
then what’s the fucking point?
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You do it from the ground up.
From the inside out.
Not from the top down.
From the outside in.
You get to the zero point.
The purest point.
And create the MORE from there.
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It’s the empty vessel I’m after.
Limitless.
Bottomless.
Free of all constraints.
Willing to destroy himself,
so he can meet me here.
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