Fellows

Thrown Off My Game (An Essay)

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if it didn’t destroy me

if parts of me weren’t forced to die

repeatedly

and quite potently

through the is-ness of he and i

there’d be no pull for me to stay

- not with him -

but with all that arises

through the mutual destruction that our interactions bring

this alone is what interests me

because i’m interested in what disturbs me

and i’m interested in the art of becoming less disturbed

by what throws me off my game

(Peep this Mandy Bite)

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Sharp; Not Soft (An Essay)

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I do the opposite of what they say to do

With a man

As a woman

Whatever the fuck that means

I am sharp

Not soft (and I am - very)

I challenge everything

Until there’s nothing

I don’t let anything go

Until it returns back to zero

(an inside job - read more)

And as he’s said…

I’m relentless

Unyielding

Exacting

Demanding

Militant

Trenchant

Mercurial

And yet…

He’s still here

Right here

Closer than most will ever be (his words)

To me

To themselves

To heaven

To another

Precisely because I do the opposite of what they say to do

With a man

As a woman

Whatever the fuck that means

Why would I be less me for anybody

The more me, the better

For everybody

(Peep this Mandy Bite)

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The Chasm Between He And I (An Essay)

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The chasm between he and I is immense.

Always has been.

Except, of course, when it’s not.

The only thing that has and could ever bridge that incredible divide is pure presence.

No self.

Those rare and delicious moments that he’s described as unimaginable, when both of us are simultaneously present AND absent.

This or nothing.

AND

This because there’s nothing.

(Peep this Mandy Bite)

Which is why it’s futile to ‘work on’ the so-called relationship.

The only work is HERE; not there.

#remainempty

Within me; not with him.

(he is not my business)

I don’t care about bridging our divide.

I care about bridging my own.

(Peep this Mandy Bite)

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Obliteration Dance (An Essay)

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I chose him precisely because of the density.

The grit.

For the perceived dysfunction that would highlight my own so I could erect what had long been limp.

I used him to purify myself.

To be stripped even further.

To stay until nothing was left.

From the outside, it looked insane.

And to my human, it felt like hell.

But obliteration was what I was after.

Why else would I have danced right there.

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