I once had a friend who said, “That’s just how I am,” after telling me she’d leave her boyfriend’s place when they’d have a disagreement — without telling him she was leaving.
Without resolving a thing.
She couldn’t handle the tension / her own discomfort when it came to having ‘difficult’ (honest) conversations.
At the time, she and I had never had an issue.
And I told her that if we did, and because I love her, I’d always be open to having any conversation until we both felt resolved about whatever it is, even if she needed to take time and space first.
This is how I operate with my closest people and my kid.
I’m not uncomfortable saying or hearing or doing the ‘difficult’ thing because truth isn’t scary (except to the human) and I want clarity and freedom for all of us.
When there is respect and genuine love (which is what truth demonstrates), and a desire to keep the dynamic clean and beautiful through grace and understanding (which takes both people doing their work and taking care of, and responsibility for, their side of things), anything can be dealt with.
But not everyone has that capacity.
And not everyone is ready.
And that is not a problem.
It’s just where they are — for now.
And their evolution and timeline has nothing to do with me or you.
But back to this friend.
When our first and only ‘issue’ came up (which wasn’t an issue for me — it was us operating differently and sharing different perspectives), so did her projections and defences.
My friend was no longer HERE.
She was there.
Accusing me of things I didn’t say or do.
Misinterpreting things I did say and do.
Assuming the worst without an inquiry.
And I was like WHAT THE FUCK.
On my end, it came out of nowhere.
I had never experienced this side of her precisely because we had never faced an ‘issue’ before.
It was a complete mindfuck.
When I tried to insert sanity into the conversation, it was clear there was no room for it.
So I didn’t explain.
I didn’t defend.
I knew that while she was in that state, we were basically speaking two different languages and existing on two separate planets, and anything I’d contribute would just be turned against me and would only add fuel to her fire, so I let her keep the stories that justified her strong reactions.
I watched her ‘triggers’ / the conditioning / the mind take over.
And she left my place convinced of things that were not true, with no willingness or capacity to hear or get to the truth, and blocked me everywhere shortly after.
And to my surprise,
it didn’t bother or hurt me.
It made perfect sense.
I knew my friend was hurting (and hurting herself through this automatic and skewed perception / faulty lens) and was just ‘doing what she does’ to cope with her intense feelings that arose from that interpretation.
She didn’t have the ability to have a conversation that day.
To express and hear and be with truth.
And I didn’t hold that against her.
And it didn’t change my love for her.
And I knew it wasn’t actually about me.
And…
I didn’t need her to understand me or see the truth for me to feel okay.
I’m fine being misunderstood and I don’t ultimately care if anyone sees straight.
I am my job and they are theirs.
But I am always 100000000% open to revisiting anything and everything with anyone I love when it’s time.
Because my door is never closed to truth.
And just because the human acts up, doesn’t mean the ‘fucked up-ness’ is forever.
It’s not.
It just a tender spot getting activated.
That’s it.
Which is why it’s so silly to ‘end’ relationships (impossible anyways) when the only thing that’s required is to clean up your shit.
But most won’t.
They’ll keep thinking their pain is coming from the outside.
They’ll keep blaming others and externals for how they feel.
They’ll keep cutting people off and avoiding this or that in an attempt to manage their tender spots.
But that is not freedom.
Yet / And…
it still always leads to IT.
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