Essays
Yes, you’re a powerful, sovereign being.
No, this doesn’t mean you’re experiencing, and living from, said power.
That is something you earn.
Something you step into.
Something you choose.
With each and every move.
And every move that’s not IT for you.
Will lead to what's true, too.
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internal and external cleaning
is a constant refinement
an endless clearing
a seamless dance with matter
and there’s always a sigh of pleasure as i take in what i’ve created
experiencing this ‘new’ space for the very first time
feeling so much lighter and lovelier than when i visited last
more pure
more ME
stripped even further of debris
it’s a forever job
tending to one’s inner and outer home
or rather a living work of art
each stage
a masterpiece
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if it doesn’t feel as natural as breathing
if you don’t live for this and only this
if it feels separate from who you are
instead of integral to
and an extension of
the core of your very being
if it feels impossible to do
instead of impossible not to do
then you still have deeper to go
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In a call the other day, the fellow was talking about not having a purpose aka a made-up concept to attach himself to.
You know, to give himself / his life some direction, some meaning, some much needed motivation.
Something he can create an identity around.
Something to make him feel more ‘like a man’.
Because being exactly who he is and following his natural movements on the daily isn’t enough.
There needs to be an add on.
Something quantifiable.
Something more / other than this.
I told him I don’t have a purpose.
He said it’s different for men.
I found that amusing.
Mostly because he just put us both in a separate category based solely on physicality (ignoring the energy aka the truth which would completely disprove his point if we really were talking about the masculine and feminine) to explain why I’m fine not having a purpose and he’s not.
It’s not because I’m a woman.
It’s because I’m not attached to bullshit.
Regardless of gender, regardless of conditioning based on gender, an illusion is still an illusion.
Purpose (or lack of), like self-worth (or lack of), like value (or lack of), like countless other things that aren’t actually real, is just a human-made concept to attach to and create a story around.
Something to hold on to, to point to as the reason you feel the way you do, or do the things you do you think you should do.
Something to avoid being the living truth.
Which comes with no labels.
No terms.
No concepts.
No thing.
Your ‘purpose’ is to BE yourself,
unobstructed,
if there had to be a thing.
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It's not: "How do I get the clients / make the money / overcome the addiction / heal the pain / resolve this health and / or relationship 'issue'?"
It's: "When will I stop saying YES to a NO? When will I stop supressing what's true? When will I make being the living truth my full-time job regardless of who or what is in front of me?"
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the human needs
the clutter
the noise
the fear
the constraint
▽
the being is
the space
the silence
the edge
free
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You can’t waste money.
Just like you can’t waste time.
Because neither exist, ultimately, in the land of energy.
In the world of matter, however, money and time seem very real.
Quite valuable, in fact.
And both matter a helluva lot.
How you spend and save them is what it’s all about.
Always running out, it seems.
If they both stopped being tallied though,
oh, what glorious fun it would be.
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working with me is like being bathed in sunshine, sparkles and rainbows
while riding a unicorn in a parade of flying kitties
and simultaneously getting an upper cut, throat punch and / or kick to the gut
and if you’re really ready to rock and roll (on the very cusp of IT)
you’re also getting thrown off the unicorn
being submerged in water
and getting kissed on the forehead
when you decide to pop back up
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There’s no difference between giving and receiving money.
Between saving and spending money.
Between ‘high’ or ‘low’ numbers,
or how fast or slow money comes.
The only difference comes down to the vibe.
As you make every (non) money move.
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My energetic ‘standard’ is always increasing.
Sharpening.
Purifying.
What once felt like top spot becomes the given spot on route to the next top spot and the next as I clear my board like a boss and the next ‘level’ becomes available.
Which isn’t a level at all.
What’s being revealed has always been here,
beneath the freshly stripped layer.
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There are dynamics that flatline and die, and ones that remain clean and alive even when they’re not currently activated.
The ‘hot window’ is when the activation is boomin’.
The turn on is palpable.
Sparkles are everywhere.
And you just know the purest magic is right here, right now.
Then when the turn on shifts (as it’s meant to), that particular ‘hot window’ closes and reopens elsewhere, creating a string of hot window moments that make up your whole life.
The key is to keep moving as each window closes.
To not stay where things just shut down in the hopes that they’ll open back up again.
Maybe they will.
Maybe they won’t.
But the ‘next’ (current) hot window awaits.
And when the dynamic is clean and alive, the illusory gaps between ‘hot window’ moments in that particular dynamic can be spaced out over weeks, months and years, and never be diluted.
Shit’s still hot and bangin’ when your respective systems choose to play again.
Because time has no impact on a clean vibe.
It’s always just now.
Only in the world of matter do we measure time and personalize or try to ‘fix’ the ephemeral nature of those sparkles.
We point the finger at the other as if it was their system that botched up the vibe.
No.
Nothing got botched up.
What’s true is what’s true.
And truth is never personal.
If shit’s no longer activated between you and another, it’s because you both got exactly what was available to you through that particular hot window.
Your being extracted all the gold it could from that experience while it was alive.
Perfect.
No need to make you or the other wrong (or less),
or to make the whole thing a problem just because the scene is done.
The masterpiece is complete.
On to the next one.
And the next.
And the next.
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All the thinking about it and talking about it kills the vibe.
Chokeholds the magic.
Loops bullshit on repeat.
And inevitably goes nowhere.
All the analysis.
The comparing.
The measuring.
The regulating.
All the layers you add to what’s meant to be bare.
All the ways you jam your system just because you intervene.
A system that naturally runs as it’s meant to, without you doing a thing.
All the intellectualizing.
Content-seeking.
Meaning-finding.
Matter-bonding.
All of it does nothing.
Except fill what you misperceive needs filling.
Tainting what was already pristine.
Because the ‘space’ is just too much to take.
So you exhaust yourself creating a bunch of new shit,
to make sure you’re never free of said shit.
And also never full of what’s true.
All the ways you run from this moment.
From truth.
From the gorgeous depths of YOU.
And for what?
To keep seeking what you already are.
And never finding what’s already here.
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Last year a hottie made a comment to me about the low caliber of client that comes with charging low prices.
And she was really sold on this bullshit narrative because she was being charged, and was charging, a wild amount for ‘high-end’ coaching at the time.
Which in and of itself isn’t an issue.
I’m pointing to the idea that a certain price point yields a certain quality of person.
It doesn’t.
Energy leads.
Not money.
I worked with Sanna for a year and didn’t pay a dollar for it.
As if I was a low calibre client.
As if she wasn’t the best ‘mentor’ on the fucking planet despite not charging me a penny.
Nothing was reduced just because a dollar amount wasn’t attached and a dollar wasn’t exchanged.
But I digress.
A couple of weeks ago, the said hottie took me up on my $50 for 30 minute deal (a rare deal since I currently charge $750 USD for a 30 minute call).
I was delighted.
Obviously her narrative had changed, and we had a beautiful call unrelated to money.
Then last week, she asked to book a second call to talk specifically about money.
Because despite investing in and offering ‘high-end’ coaching, it hadn’t really panned out, her money was almost gone, and she was starting to freak the fuck out.
I asked how much remained.
The number was hella low.
And that number turned me on because of how low it was.
Because crunch time means truth time so let’s fucking GO.
Let’s get to the guts of what was avoided when she spent and made those big dollars while by-passing the absolute truth.
Because if the investment and the sales were sourced from that (meaning there was no matter whatsoever), she wouldn’t be freaked out by this low number and she wouldn’t fear what may or may not come from this point on.
She’d also see that the anxiety isn’t from a dwindling bank account at all.
It was always there.
Reliant on, and in response to, illusory external security (and lack thereof) since the internal still lacks the stability required to feel secure regardless of externals.
Now it’s just being highlighted.
Damn, I love the crunch.
Because despite appearances, the crunch doesn’t create anything that wasn’t already there.
It just just shows you exactly where you’re at.
What you’re REALLY working with.
And how easily you can be moved.
And that you still have work to do.
Because if you’ve been using money or another as the buffer between you and YOU, you’re gonna come face to face with that in the absence of the money or the other.
Good.
Now we’re actually getting somewhere.
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In a call yesterday, the fella was talking about high ticket coaches and the idea that he needed to invest in them to make those big dollars himself.
I said there’s no A to B connection.
If you’re investing in someone to make money or to ‘get’ anything, it’s not a clean move.
Sure it can ‘work’ for a while.
You might land some big ass sales.
But as long as there’s an ulterior motive, those dollars are counterfeit aka not pure which means you’ll still end up exactly where you were until you’re ready to strip everything that led you to chasing the money in the first place.
The idea of paying someone for a future something you think you don’t already have, has got to go.
Pay someone because it feels hot as fuck to play with them.
That’s it.
Not for the thing.
Not for some illusory outcome you’re banking on to get your money’s worth.
Only for the experience you can’t get anywhere else with anyone else because your being just told you so.
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A true life and a counterfeit life can appear the same on the surface but are eons apart underneath.
The first is the A side.
The true side.
Rich. Juicy. Alive.
The second is the B side.
The false side.
Empty. Flat. Dead.
You can tell which reality you’ve chosen not by how it looks, but by how it feels.
It’s the energy that speaks what’s true.
You can make a ton of ‘empty’ money.
Have plenty of ‘empty’ sex.
Work countless ‘empty’ hours.
Recite plenty ‘empty’ I love yous.
But what’s the fucking point?
How about money, sex, time and love
that’s dripping with truth,
and overflowing with YOU.
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There is no last piece.
No final frontier.
No specific area(s) you need to work out once and for all and then you’ll be good to go for the rest of your life.
Nope.
The game has no end.
You’ll never be done.
And the work remains the same.
You’re just playing with matter and its inevitable dissolution.
Regardless of the content or density.
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You can swap the coach, the paradigm, the partner.
You can change the business, the lingo, and make big money.
You can lose the weight and hit a new personal record.
And STILL not shift energetically.
Just because you switched the box and the externals look different, it doesn’t mean a damn thing changed.
And just because others paint a superficial and strategically crafted picture of themselves publicly, doesn’t mean it’s the real thing, as you already know.
These days, when I read certain posts from those I once looked up to who are still selling the same flat experience (but now in a sparkly new package), those I thought had ‘made it’ and knew something I didn’t because I didn’t yet trust myself fully and I was reading their content (which sold me) instead of their energy (which speaks the actual truth),
I can now feel where they’re really at, regardless of what they’re saying.
And in all this time, nothing got cleaned up.
They never actually moved.
They simply added new words, new offers, and new price points from that same exact place.
Pretending something new has taken place, and maybe it has circumstantially, but energetically it’s stagnant as hell and wasn’t truly alive to begin with.
But back then I was sold on the external narrative.
My ravenous desire to find answers to my perceived dilemmas and relief from what ailed me, clouded my ability to discern between what was being presented in the physical and what was actually loud as fuck in the non-physical.
The cleaner I got, the easier it was for me to read between those lines.
To feel the truth beyond the words.
To know where someone’s actually at instead of where they’ve positioned themselves to be.
So I came to understand that some of the most celebrated and followed ‘teachers’ are the ones drowning in the most bullshit.
They’re energetic hot messes.
Which captivates and motivates those who are also drenched in matter.
They love the resonance.
The feeling of ‘same’.
I love the void.
The feeling of clean.
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When there is a big, fat NO in my system that I didn’t catch right away, I feel sick in my throat.
It feels like dread.
It feels heavy and icky in my gut.
Things feel serious, tight, restricted.
And that dense feeling eclipses everything else until I figure out where the NO must be applied and how.
It doesn’t matter that I missed / ignored it the first time or how long I kept missing / ignoring my NO.
It doesn’t even matter who or what or why.
There’s a NO in my brilliant system and to keep saying YES to it would be a lie.
That sick feeling is proof that I missed / ignored it and kept missing / ignoring it or else it couldn’t have gotten to the point of full blown dread.
Who cares.
New moment.
New move.
Let’s rock.
When there is an edge in my system, I also feel sick.
Nauseous.
Hella nervous.
Like I’m at the top of a rollercoaster about to go down.
But there is no heaviness.
No dread.
No lump in my throat at all.
Nothing feels icky.
It feels exhilarating.
Fascinating.
Fun and light and limitless.
Yummy and also terrifying.
It’s not knowing what the fuck is gonna happen but being so willing to take this wild ride just because it’s true, and to let my fear stop me would be a lie.
And so…
A true NO is telling me to stop.
A true edge is telling me to go.
That’s how I tell the difference.
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You don’t get ALL THE THINGS just because you’re ‘doing the work’.
You get ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE TRUE FOR YOUR BEING EVERY FUCKING STEP OF THE WAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE regardless of the work.
Which is what you’ve been getting since the moment you were born.
So ‘doing the work’ doesn’t change the fact that you’re always exactly where you need to be in whatever circumstance you find yourself in that’s undoubtedly refining you beautifully.
Doing the work just ‘removes’ the illusory shit in the way of you seeing how fucking perfect it all is regardless of how it appears or what does or doesn’t happen because let’s face it, shit is always happening.
That’s life.
What is or isn’t happening is never the problem.
How we misperceive it, is.
Someone in a relationship isn’t more advanced / on track than someone not in one, and vice versa.
Someone with a fuckton of cash isn’t more advanced / on track than someone with nada, and vice versa.
Someone with a specific health condition isn’t less advanced / less on track than someone without one, and vice versa.
You can’t use external metrics to measure the quality of one’s inner experience or the precision of one’s energetic game because the work has nothing to do with the external even though it can impact it.
Things most definitely move more seamlessly when you’re actively doing the work simply because you’re not repeatedly jamming your own circuits with your own bullshit / clutter / mispercepetions / expectations.
And if you’re attached to what your ‘been doing all the work’ life should look like (the man, the fat account, 20 pounds lighter, whatever the fuck), you’re still not hitting the right spot because you’re aiming for something ‘out there’ to validate what you’re doing ‘in here’ instead of staying right here where the magic really happens (which has nothing to do with what does or doesn’t happen externally).
Doing the work (seeing through the matter) results in being okay no matter what happens and no matter what it ends up looking like, and trusting (well it’s even beyond trust - you just KNOW) that your being knows far better than you what the hottest concoction is for you every step of the way (if you’d just get outta the damn way and do exactly what you know you need to do because you’re being told how to move in every fucking moment).
And it’s not that you won’t ‘get’ the cash or the man or the body whatever else it is you think you want.
It’s that you inevitably get to a place where you’re so fucking juiced even without it, that you’re not even feeling like a damn thing is missing (because nothing ever is), and you know that what’s truly for you is both inevitable and ever-present, and you know it’s the experience you’re after; not the thing itself,
as the unimaginable licks you from head to toe
in ways you never even dreamed of.
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making your move
based on / for / because of another
based on / for / because of the external
based on / because of what you imagine may or may not happen in the illusory future you’ll never actually meet because it will always and forever be NOW
is not the vibe
you need to make every single move
and every non-move, too (same thing)
from and for you
just because it’s true
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