it takes a lot
to feel and heal
you must leave
space for this
Lately I’ve spent a lot of time in bed. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and writing and learning and just being still while avoiding much of the world.
Many days, weeks and months are outwardly productive for me, but I naturally balance that out by retreating within when each busy time is done.
I’ve done a lot of work related to my past and my pain while transforming my home in the process, and I’ve been taking a breather to let it all sink in.
Do you take the time to let things sink in?
I find the set up of our modern world to be so restrictive. Not even for me personally because I have the luxury to be self-employed and have my bills paid for the next few months, but if you’re working a 9-to-5 and you have a family or a partner to tend to on the regular, how much of that time is actually yours?
How much energy do you really have left to tend to your own thoughts and longings?
How much space do you have in your day to just be? Without producing. Without checking your phone. Without meeting someone else’s needs.
I have always needed ample space to create and to be and to think and to dream, even while I raised my girl.
I can’t do those things during specific hours of the day or on specific days of the week.
I have whole phases of each thing in my life. So if I’m working on my poetry books, I do that at the exclusion of everything else. It’s the same for my business. It’s the same when I’m into a man.
My whole focus surrounds what most inspires me at that particular time.
I don’t ever seem to ebb and flow between things, I throw myself into one thing after the other. And the duration of each thing is dependent on the duration of my passion for it. If I’m not feeling it, I can’t tend to it.
So I follow each YES that bubbles up, give it my all, rest if I must, then wait for the next invitation.
I have tried for years to keep a normal schedule but I’ve never been able to maintain that. I just go where and when my heart and soul leads me, basically.
Ultimately I am led by my own energy and impulse. I can have an idea of what I would like to accomplish and by when, but I’ve learned that most of my ideas are trumped by things I never even envisioned. And since I’m inclined to remain true to what’s most current inside me even if that means a departure from the original plan, this makes for a zigzaggy life.
One week I’m clearing out boxes and the next I’m dealing with my childhood trauma and the week after that I’m playing the role of a vegetable.
And I’m okay with that.
In the past, when I would get sick or injured, I was very angry at my body for what I considered a betrayal.
But I’ve grown a lot since then, and I love that now I pay better attention and I listen more closely and I do my best to give my body what it’s asking of me.
If it’s telling me to rest, I rest, for however long it takes to replenish.
I used to push myself beyond all of my limits because I wasn’t even aware of them.
My inner need to prove myself worthy to myself trumped everything, but nothing I did even made a dent. All of my efforts didn’t lead to me feeling worthy at all because nothing I did was ever good enough for me anyways. I just couldn’t win that game.
Quite frankly, if you feel unworthy, there is absolutely nothing you can do in the external world that will change that. NOTHING. You can only correct it from within. And that sure as hell hasn’t been easy for me.
When you don’t feel good enough, you are so damn hungry to feel worthy somehow, even if it’s at your own expense, so there is usually a lot of strife along the way towards believing you are enough as you are.
What I have learned is that the more I believe I’m good enough as I am, the less I need to do the things that hurt me, so I try to love myself more so I will hurt myself less.
Last week when I had the awakening that I didn’t deserve the treatment I received as a child, things really started to change inside me.
With that new truth arising in me, it only made sense that I also don’t deserve the physical pain I’ve experienced for years.
I made the connection that I probably subconsciously have believed I deserve to suffer all these years because I certainly wasn’t treated like I deserved better than the treatment I received.
I learned that I am not worthy of love, protection and support. And since I didn’t get that, how would I even begin to know how to give it to myself?
So I’ve been working on that each day in whatever way I can and have been all these years to get myself from there to here.
No I’m not completely free of pain yet, but my mobility continues to increase and I’ve been getting to the guts of some past issues which can only help me in the long run.
Being human is a messy job. Being a deep feeling human is even messier.
And if we are still alive, there are still some messes we need to tend to and we do have what it takes to clean them up.
So here’s to cleaning out our insides, which helps us become brand new.
“I love you Mandy ❤ Im so proud of all youve worked thru & still are. I needed to hear this today it has been a really rough week love.Thankyou for the encouragement the last sentence you wrote really spoke to my heart.
"So heres to cleaning out our insides which helps us to become brand new"🤗 thankyou thankyou thankyou ❤❤❤ its a process sometimes takes forever it seems. I sure feel better reading this today love you beauty.” Michelle Ruthven