Most days I feel bigger than life - meaning my perception of things trumps the reality of what's going on around me. I think bigger than what is. I see more than can be seen.
But sometimes - like last night and two weeks ago on another Friday night - life feels so much bigger than me and I drown.
I am currently feeling quite overwhelmed by "reality".
What I love is that I'm not alone. From the moment I posted last night's update, I have been abundantly taken care of by my circle.
Offers to come over by 4 of my loves, calls and texts right away, staying on the phone until my pillow was soaked with tears and my eyes were dry as could be.
An early morning visit, another sleep, another call of love, a sacred heart to heart in a car, and now with a beloved for the rest of the day.
I am never alone and that's what matters.
I am not ok right now. But I will be soon.
I just know I'm not meant for this world.
I belong in Mandyland.
Of course I will get through the ups and downs like everyone else. I always have.
And I'm grateful for all my ups. I have plenty. Plenty more to come.
But right now the reality of what's coming is too much for me to deal with.
Most days I'm great about it.
This isn't one of those days.
But I have my loves to carry me through.
Please don't offer advice for my next chapter right now.
I know things will work out somehow. I will figure it out. I always do.
But right now I'm scared. And I don't want to adult.
Thank you for understanding, reading and caring.
(Make sure to read the follow up to this piece: You Can Be Scared And Still Keep Going)
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Post Script (Same Day)
This is my first time being at Bobbi's for a party and not drinking :)
Her honey kept smelling my glass of water asking me where the vodka is. Lol!
He also said, "I don't even know who you are anymore! Normally you're drunk with her by now!" This is true. But I have rules when I drink.
I must be with beloveds. I must be in a safe place. And I must be 100% happy already. I never ever ever consume alcohol when I'm dealing with something significant.
So, I've been working on the happy part and that's been going splendidly.
It's definitely funny to watch the intoxication levels increase around me, but I'm happy with my water and I'm so happy that I'm here because it's tons of fun.
If my happy level gets to 100%, I may partake. But for now all this play is exactly what I needed today.
Bubble soccer = pure awesomeness.
I highly recommend it!
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