Some days (especially this week) I wonder: What have I actually done with my life? What do I have to show for it? And I feel like I've failed miserably at achieving anything worth noting. Failed at making at least a dozen dreams a reality. Failed at rising up to the vision I have for myself. It's a pretty tall one and I'm so far from it that it hurts. Deeply.
And then I look at my amazing daughter. So there's that. And she looks back at me and tells me that there's also me. That I am proof of all that I've done and achieved inwardly. And then she thanks me for what I did and all that I was willing to do so that she could have the life and the mom that she has.
She told me her life has been made easy because of my efforts and struggles, and she reminded me that I am the sanest and most authentic person she has ever known. That who I am counts so much more than what I want to achieve outwardly and if I could just see that - see where I've come from and what I've done and realize that I did succeed (albeit maybe not in the ways I had hoped but in the ways that actually matter) then maybe I'd stop being so hard on myself.
Sometimes we need those reminders. I needed them all fucking week. I've cried each day, and still even as I write this, and my beloveds have been carrying me through.
My world feels as though it's falling apart with changes I don't feel altogether ready for (with Paige moving and my own living situation being on the verge of changing as well), and I've felt more terrified than anything this week. And I think I have an inclination to kick the shit out of myself when I'm already down so it's been a rough week.
I'm finding my way through like I always do though, and with a beautiful network of friends that are willing to help dig me out of any hole I find myself in.
I know this is human. I know change is inevitable. I know I will be fine. But in the process of getting to that knowing there's often a lot of fear and hanging on for dear life. Wanting to keep my daughter by my side or at least in the same province forever, wanting to stay comfy and working inside my home forever, wanting to stay in this home, period. Forever.
But that's just a feeling and it will pass. Because of course I want more, SO MUCH MORE, for both myself and my child. Expansion can't help but happen and there's really no point in resisting it but that's what we all do until we don't.
Eventually we accept what's to come and find a way to adapt and thrive. That's what I'm in the process of doing. Intervals of clinging and releasing. Holding on and letting go.
Such is life.
Thank you for reading my heart.
"Oh, how I just adore your heart. Truth. Vulnerability. True awareness. Who says it's not okay to be sad and recognize it? To be scared and to sit with it? To feel grateful and be okay with the fleeting temporary moments we get to embrace it? I say it's okay! And it's human! And it's what makes you beautiful. Kudos to you for speaking your truth. It doesn't take money or status to be a light in this world. Thank you for this teaching, teacher Mandy Richardson." Cynthia Rose Koch
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