"As we grind through each issue and theme, the work and art we create embody these experiences for the rest of the world. Our creations help us evolve, but our lives and our work help others evolve, too. We’re not just here to live our lives and to create our art. We’re part of the art being created." Melody Beattie
Oh, how I love Melody Beattie's words. This is one of my favourite passages because she does such a perfect job of encapsulating the creative process.
As I grind through my own issues and themes through my writings, I'm always surprised at the timing of them.
Like why was it only last week that I wrote more about that one fellow than I had in the 6 years I've been dealing with him. More off than on, of course. But we faced the EXACT same thing over and over and over again each time we reconnected - SOOOO good at the start followed by a quick and painful dissolution. He said the starts were so good that it was worth what followed and I had to agree. At least we were idiots together.
And each time we began a new round I was thinking I could somehow rise above our sticky spot (I love to evolve and succeed and get things right) or learn to be okay with it if I just remained centered enough. But it was me being centered in the first place that always showed me how much it didn't work for me because my feelings told me so. My heart never lies.
Yes that one piece always worked beautifully, but I could only access it at the expense of something else. This sucked immensely because I just wanted both.
And why was it only a few years ago that I started speaking publicly (and consistently) about my depression and self-hatred when I had been dealing with it for most of my life. Was it all of a sudden so much worse? Was it becoming more frequent? Not at all. It had always sucked and if anything the darkness lessens with every year that passes. It used to envelope my days and my life. My loves know. They were there helping me through my inner hell long before Facebook even existed.
I think that by the time something of mine becomes public it's because I've already spent a significant amount of my life just living through it, trying to understand it, crying the tears, talking about it with others, writing about it privately (I'm sure I've written hundreds a pages on him the past few months), thinking I'm over it but then I find out I'm not.
And by the time it becomes public I'm ready for the next level of healing. I'm ready to "finish it off" as it were. I'm ready to share my truth so that others can benefit from my struggles. I'm ready for external feedback and a deeper understanding. I'm ready to turn my pain into art. I'm ready to elevate and transmute all I've suffered through because that is what I most want. Freedom.
I want to be free. Always. Not necessarily free of all pain and anger and sadness - they serve a purpose and do have their place at times. They are incredible teachers. But free of whatever holds me hostage inwardly.
I fucking LOVE doing my inner work. I love understanding myself better. I love facing the dragons. I love overcoming things. I love being on the other side of the things that once terrified or suffocated or hurt me. I love feeling free and happy so I do what needs to be done to have that. It's always about freedom for me.
And we can't be free when we allow something or someone else to have power over us. We are so much bigger than whatever it is we're facing. We think we aren't but we are. Sure it might take time and effort to grow into our strength and our greatness, but how else could we become strong and great in the first place?
That good shit is earned, my friend. And it's worth the effort. YOU'RE worth the effort.
All my love,
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