It’s Day 13 of 66 of My Sacred Mission and it really did start with me being sick of my own bullshit. Sick of how I’d ruthlessly tear myself down every time I elevated myself. Sick of the hours, days (sometimes weeks), I’d lose to feeling small just because I was believing the lies I was telling myself.
Sick of not being able to follow through on certain things that were important to me because so much of what I do is dependent on my mood which is dependent on my thoughts so when those thoughts are really shitty, all bets are off.
Sick of that perpetual cycle, plain and simple.
I know what it’s like to live and create in my true power, from the highest part of myself. And I know that Mandy as well as I know the Mandy who crumbles under her own incessant berating.
And that dysfunctional inner chatter is the bullshit worth cleaning up layer by layer - like I’ve been doing all this time over the years because quite frankly, I’ve yet to find a way to clear those tapes once and for all - but I do gain more tools, more awareness and more personal power each time I face and overcome that beast within.
13 days ago I was genuinely like, FUUUUCK THIS BULLSHIT! I was genuinely sick of it.
And I thought to myself and wondered, “What would it take and what would I need to think and believe and do differently each day to be the up-levelled Mandy on a full-time basis instead of just part-time? Because I really AM her when I’m at my best so how can I support myself in being my absolute best self each day? What have I been neglecting? What habits do I need to either break or create? What new standards would I need to set for myself in order to not tolerate this bullshit from myself any longer?”
And I came up with many answers that became the basis of my current experiment but there is one thing in particular that became very clear: making great daily habits non-negotiable would be my new standard.
No more doing great things only when I felt great. It has now become about doing all the things that I already know are great for my well-being REGARDLESS of how I feel each day, because having a solid inner foundation and a solid daily practice breeds so much goodness and better supports how I truly want to show up for myself and in the world.
When I observed the things I did or didn’t do while in darkness compared to what I did or didn’t do while in the light, I decided it was time to bridge that gap and live as Mandy in the light lives and to make that so automatic that it would serve as a daily cue to remain there despite a drop in energy or mood. Somewhat of a preventative measure as to not get too lost for too long because I know what’s required of me each day no matter what.
I knew I had hit the point of no return the other week. I knew I wasn’t going to just sit idly by and wait for my next crash and just hope I make it through. Who wants to go through that again? Not me, man.
This time I was going to do everything in my power to take care of myself each and every day so that a future crash would be far less likely and/or far less frequent, and possibly never have the opportunity to rear its ugly head long enough to take me down. Because it never gets me in just one day. It builds momentum over time and if my inner resources are already depleted and I haven’t been self-caring properly and I’m not checking or challenging my negative thoughts and the beast is attacking my deepest insecurities, it’s really hard to see straight and fight back because it all feels so true even though I know intellectually that if I’m feeling like a horrible piece of shit, my thinking and feeling is completely misaligned. No question.
The other thing that became self-evident as I climbed out of that hole I dug myself: this is not really me.
That me who crumbles under the weight of the incessant and egoic negative self-talk is an aspect of who I am, yes. But that’s not who I really am. That’s my wounded self, not my real self (nor is my ego), and that’s an important distinction.
And do I want that wounded or egoic part of me to be in charge of any aspect of my life? Not at all. And do I want to trust its perceptions of me and of life? Nope.
What I want is to keep growing more fully into my ultimate truth and power which will inevitably diminish the ability of the other aspect to take me down.
The only solution to darkness is more light, so my goal is to keep getting brighter.
(Quote courtesy of Elizabeth Gilbert and art made by @badasscrossstich)
“Let it all go lady... so many people need your help, your work, your art and your inspiration.” Brent Sills