My self-hate inner tapes reared their ugly little heads this week and made the existence within myself an utter hell. I’m sure many people can relate.
This is nothing new for me but gratefully it’s not an everyday occurrence like it used to be.
It makes me wonder how I ever accomplished a thing in life as I drowned myself from the inside. But I did all those things in an attempt to stay afloat, and maybe that’s what you’re doing right now as well.
Good for you for trying at all if you’re living in a dark hole inside yourself. I praise you for still showing up. I know how hard it is to keep going when your anxiety, depression, insecurities and self-hate take over, and boy do they ever.
Feeling worthless, not good enough and like you’re a failure (add any other thought that makes you feel like shit) is incredibly debilitating because when you feel and believe those things you’re sitting in a pool of lies. Except you don’t know that they’re lies (until you do), so you don’t even think to challenge them or question their validity (until you do).
Thankfully, I am surrounded by wonderful humans who love me and don’t let me believe the lies I tell myself.
Both Paige and Melanie gave me a swift tell-it-like-it-is yesterday to try to shake me out of my previous conditioning that is far too easy to return to when I’m under stress or beginning to feel pressured.
I begin a war within myself and it isn’t pretty. It isn’t sane either and it isn’t the least bit effective.
Alicia also joined in the mission and helped me connect some dots that lifted me out of the illusion (delusion) I was operating under, because when I can see clearly what’s going on, I can always work with it and transmute it.
It’s the getting through the muddy part that’s the hard part, but being a mud walker is kinda my thing, and it’s kinda the thing of my dearest friends who have suffered the most and are still here trying, and often thriving, despite it all.
So if you’re in the mud right now, in that inner hell that makes living life a living hell, and you don’t have anyone to check in with like I did yesterday, to help you climb out of the hole you’ve dug yourself, I want you to know that if you’re feeling like a piece of shit, it’s not because you’re a piece of shit.
It’s because you’re believing super shitty things about yourself, most likely on a consistent basis, and the result is how you’re feeling right now. That’s your indicator.
And FYI: we weren’t put in this planet to feel shitty and unworthy. But some of us had a lot to face in life and maybe we weren’t equipped with the tools, beliefs and role models we needed to be able to create a thriving inner and outer experience but that’s ok. We can learn new and better ways. We can learn to change the tapes. All hope is not lost.
I am still learning. And I’ve come a long way and so have you and we have so much further to go.
I would love if there was a magic pill I could take to prevent me from ever returning to that dreaded hole inside myself, but ultimately (and excuse the cliché), self-love is the magic pill. But you do have to take it every day to help keep the darkness at bay.
That being said, I don’t think the darkness is a bad thing. It’s a powerful teacher that’s practically begging you to change your views.
I think being a balanced and fully integrated human means welcoming and honouring all of your feelings and embracing all of your experiences. Nothing is ultimately good or bad, but some things definitely feel much better than others.
For me personally, I don’t want to spend more time than necessary getting through a tough spot. I don’t want to linger and dwell in pain, and I certainly don’t want to be swimming in it daily. Been there, done that, hated it, and I only stayed there until I figured out a better way.
My “better way” was finally getting to the point where I was no longer willing to live like I’d been living - in that inner hell that often made me want to take my own life just to be free of the depth of pain I was suffering.
And my liberation from that came bit by bit over a span of years as I began to question my toxic beliefs about myself, and then began to think opposing thoughts even though they felt like lies at first.
Slowly but surely I began to believe the new thoughts and boy oh boy did that make existing fun!!!!
So yes, I relapsed this week and it was awful. But what is incredible is realizing that this is no longer the norm and it used to be my life!
Now my life consists mainly of feeling good with some healthy moments of sadness or whatnot, instead of consisting mainly of depressed states with a few moments of relief in between.
The scale tipped long ago, and not without much effort and incredible support along the way, and I am so grateful to be living the kind of life and inner experience I once only dreamed of.
I may never be fully free of the darkness, but I don’t believe I’ll ever be able to reside there indefinitely, and each visit back there will offer a new insight I can use to help me navigate the next round.
I have a new normal now and it looks nothing like the one I was raised with and endured most of my life so that’s a win in my books.
And if you’re anything like me, intent on working your way through the maze of your life in search of the joy, peace and happiness you crave, I wish you a swift return to who you really are.
Because ultimately, that’s what you’re after, and that’s where all your treasures lie.
With love on the day after the worst day in a long while,
(Above image by Leena Norms)
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