"I like getting to the bottom where there's no lie left." Alanis Morissette
On November 6th, my world changed (you can read about that here), and since then, things have stayed the same. What I mean is that the dark cloud that hovered over me for most of my life, simply vanished. And it has yet to return.
Nothing externally led to the big shift that day, and on the outside it looks as though my life has remained the same. But on the inside, oh boy!
Everything has changed.
I am finally okay inside myself/with myself and that, my friend, is everything.
This does not mean that I'm happy all the time, nor do I strive to be. I think living authentically means embracing and moving through whatever it is we are currently facing - and the whole range of human emotion is worth our attention.
It's that I'm no longer plagued with the illusions of myself that led to each depression and kept me there. All the ways I made myself small and wrong and not worthy and not good enough to receive my own love and approval. All the ways I kicked myself when I was already down. All the ways I self-hated. All the ways I made it hard to look in the mirror. All the things I believed I needed to accomplish before I could earn my own praise.
I was so hungry for my own affirmation. ALL my life. And now I finally have it and I am damn proud.
What I love is that I'm not just enjoying my days "in between" the dark spells. I'm enjoying the gift of being myself with the added bonus of actually loving myself exactly as I am and I feel like this is just my life now. It's not "in between" anything. It just is. This is my new normal.
For me, that's a triumph. More than a triumph! It is what I now consider to be the greatest accomplishment of my life thus far.
And you know what really blows my mind? Since that day I no longer want to leave this world prematurely - which was a daily, sometimes hourly, desire - even when I wasn't in the darkness.
This isn't because all of a sudden I think living in this world is the bee's knees. I don't. It's that living inside myself without the constant inner battle is worth sticking around for. I FUCKING LOVE LIVING FREELY INSIDE MYSELF! And even though I'm ready to go whenever, in the meantime I'm having a grand time just being me.
No need to hasten the inevitable anymore. I'll just enjoy the ride.
I feel like THIS must be what it's like for those who don't have to go to war with themselves each day (do people like that even exist?). And it is glorious. And I love it. I really, really love it.
I love knowing that no future sadness will ever be because of the lies I used to believe. Because I know the truth now. And once you know, you know. And no one can ever take away that knowing.
All my love and a shimmy for good measure,
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