I feel like I've been on a sabbatical of sorts since Paige moved to Montreal last August. My first week of living with myself was spent offline and in heaven (read about that here), and since then I've done less and less and less in my life - externally at least - and more and more inwardly.
I've always been inward facing by nature, but I really truly made connecting with myself and slowing the hell down and having tons of fun my main priority all these months.
I stopped trying to make anything happen. I stopped trying, period. I just lived from moment to moment and that's been plenty.
Ultimately I wanted to make my life as quiet as possible after years of movement and endless striving and creating, and I think I've done a great job at doing the least amount possible "out there" while maximizing the benefits of all the good stuff "in here".
Self-love and self-acceptance were my goals. As was a perfectly tidy home, unbitten and always painted nails, freedom from the inner pressure I placed on myself most of my life, and daily peace and quiet.
I grew up in chaos. I recreated it in my own life. Then I cleaned that up, both inwardly and outwardly.
It's been a process that's taken many years of peeling away layer after layer and I'm hardly done (none of us are), but I'm in a place in my life where I can honestly say, "THIS is what I was after. THIS is what I most wanted."
Not that every day is perfect. Not that I'm 100% with myself 24/7, but overall I'm happier than ever, more at peace than ever, more self-loving than ever, and more successful than I've ever been based on what truly matters to me. And all of these things will only deepen as time goes on.
I might not have made huge waves out in the world in the last year or two, but I made major progress inwardly and that counts for so much more.
There is always time to make money and make external dreams come to life, and I know that after I'm done breathing in all this space and peace and solitude I'll be ready to rock the world once again, but for now I'm so grateful that I pulled back from life and from certain people and responsibilities so that I could fill up on a hearty dose of myself. So that I could learn to love me. So that I could enjoy the exquisite pleasure and freedom of the solitude I craved for oh so long.
Because it feels good to feel good. Because it's sane to stop the madness and realign. Because our lives are better off when we're not stressed to the max. Because the world won't end if we say no, if we stop doing so much, and if we learn how to properly take care of ourselves. That's a skill. It's not easy to do. But it's essential, don't you think?
I went from being to kid to raising a kid to doing a ton of things I'm proud of, and it's been such a gift to reward myself for all my hard work with almost a year of solid sleeps and a quiet home and tons of play and lots of love.
I don't know what's next or when I'll be inspired to create something new, but I do know I'm doing a great job living simply and beautifully in the meantime.
And I know that when the tide changes and life requires something more from me than this, I'll be ready. And I'll be better off in my next chapter after having nurtured myself so well in this one.
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