One thing that becomes very clear through this journey I’ve been on over the past few weeks, is that healing and evolving are inevitable when we take the time to look within.
I feel like I’ve been in a deep conversation with my body and in deep communion with my soul and the breakthroughs have been incredible.
I can feel the perfect timing of where I’m at because I couldn’t be here dealing with this aspect without having dealt with all the aspects that came before.
Like I mentioned a few weeks ago, I knew something profound would follow the clearing of my mother’s things.
That being said, there’s no way I could have cleared my mother’s things unless I cleared all the other things along the way to being able to do that.
We can only do what we can do in any given moment. And we are only responsible for what’s required of us in THIS moment.. not in a future one which doesn’t even exist anyways because once we “arrive”, it’s still now.
We cannot fast track our evolutions. We can only actively participate in them. And when we do, oh my! Getting to the guts just brings all the good stuff our way in the form of healing and insight and increased peace and alignment.
I love the feeling and the freedom of being able to be fully here for myself right now. I love observing how far I’ve come from the Mandy I was when I didn’t listen to my body and didn’t honour its wisdom or limits.
I love having the luxury to rest, but more importantly, the desire to give myself that gift as I heal.
In my past life as a workaholic, rest and proper self-care did not appeal to me in the least. And I must say I was in full alignment with my intense productivity because that is what really filled me up at the time. I was genuinely oblivious to anything but my aim to create.
I still don’t even think that’s inherently wrong, but when we do anything obsessively, it might be helpful to look at our underlying the need to overdo anything.
More often than not, it comes from a feeling of not being enough and our addictions are simply the tool we use to cope with our feelings of unworthiness and we can’t be faulted for that.
We all deserve to feel okay inside ourselves and until we develop healthy tools to achieve this, we will do whatever it takes (even if it’s unhealthy and detrimental to ourselves and those around us) to just get through each day.
If we are alive, we are wounded, and it would help us all if we could be a bit more compassionate with ourselves and others.
In this particular season of Mandyland, I’m focused much less on doing and much more on unwrapping the gifts contained within the pain I have been caring for so long.
I am fully aware that my current physical pain is an accumulation of past thoughts, beliefs, emotions and actions. Unexpressed feelings. Undigested pain. Misaligned, unloving (self-hating) thoughts. Beliefs that I’m unworthy. Patterns that simply need to be broken because they no longer serve me.
And knowing that makes it obvious to me that my future self will benefit greatly from the work I’ve been doing progressively over the years and especially right now to heal the parts of me that are hurting.
There are many things we can heal in an instant. It only takes a shift in perspective. And there are some things that take a bit more time and involve peeling away more layers.
So there’s no need to get frustrated with ourselves if it is taking months or years to get to the root of something inside ourselves. That just means there’s a lot to dig through but we will get through these layers nonetheless. And on our own time because our healing is not a race. It’s a deeply intimate experience that only we can fully understand.
Today I feel appreciative of where I am. I am not depressed and haven’t been in so long. I am not in a dark space at all. I am not beating up on myself and I actively speak lovingly to myself each day.
That was certainly not the case for most of my life and the fact that I can be looking within and be in physical pain and not feel defeated, is huge.
I know I can transmute this because it’s quite small compared to all I faced in the past. Anyone who has wanted to take their own life knows there is nothing is more painful than that.
So this is just the natural next step for me. To clear out the accumulated inner toxins and messes and limited thoughts and beliefs and lack of proper self-care from the past few years and decades that contributed to the physical pain - a natural result to those ongoing imbalances.
This pain was always there but it won’t always be here. I think we’ll just be hanging out for a little while longer while I try to gently uncover its message and find a way to honour it so that it no longer needs to show up to try to protect and guide me.
The pain and I are in cahoots and I’m learning how to surrender and accept what is instead of trying to change it.
Like I’m basically saying to myself... this is where I am and that’s perfectly okay and it makes perfect sense given where I came from and I am in the beautiful (and at times, painful) process of creating something new.
For me life has always been about transformation. But that is not a linear process. It’s circular and it’s messy and it’s deep and it’s confusing but it’s so fucking amazing and rewarding each time you graduate to the next level of your life.
There is no place I would rather be than right here with myself where I am right now and not feel the need to run and hide from anything inside me because all my parts are okay. I’ve looked at them all directly over the years and I will continue to look at each part of me that wants to be seen and loved.
This feels like the most powerful place to be.
Today I have the overwhelming feeling that I am okay exactly as I am, wounds and all, and that there is absolutely nothing I need to do in life to prove my worth - something I spent much of my life doing.
I’m worthy because I exist. As are you. And I know how lame that sounds but when you’re writing it from an actual place of feeling it, it’s the most beautiful thing of all.
With all my heart,
“Beautiful.” Ivan Mishchenko
“Favourite Frame - “we can only do what we can do in any given moment”. So true.” Cecilia Moorcroft
”Profound & Beautiful I respect & love you. Winter is a very sad time of year for me personally Some grief tends to linger like a rancid perfume.Clenching & clawing at my heart.when I read your posts they help so much with the things I cannot say outloud. I paint I cuddle with my kittys & listen to their purrs. I appreciate your brutal honesty its refreshing. Im proud of you for fighting for your life.The freedom to let go of secrets, youve had to keep gives strength to others whove had to live heartbroken, torn, confused & tired your example gives power to women or men & the strength & courage to let it out & let it go.I really hope the next time we see each other we can talk longer in person. thankyou for saying We are all worthy becauae we exist.I am so grateful for you & thankyou for being courageous & brave everyday, everyday. love you precious Mandy xoxoxoxo” Michelle Ruthven