When dealing with my new rent/income situation, I feel like my frustration comes MORE from me not being where I think I "should" be in my life, than from the process of needing to change how I work and how much I earn.
Shoulds suck, and I'm not about them, but I know that's my current hang up and I know I'd be better off finding a way to look at things differently because it's almost daily lately that I feel like a freaking failure based on this thinking.
I actually have a very clear picture of where I wanted to be by now (don't we all?) and I'm soooooooooooooo far from it that it hurts - and now more than ever because had I already been "there", I wouldn't be "here" dealing with this reality.
Had I been more business minded, more money-driven, more "reality" based, more focused on external shit, more aligned, more self-loving, more grown up, more of whatever I'm not enough of yet, I'd probably be financially set by now from my own work.
And so the tapes go.
If I had only done a million things differently and had just done more of this and less of that, and had I done so much better or simply did what so-and-so told me to do, I'd already be wealthy. The money would be rolling in daily and I'd be working on my next 100 million.
Or so I tell myself.
But even as I write this, I'm aware that inwardly and relationship-wise (with Paige and my other beloveds), I have far surpassed my goals and I'm genuinely proud and happy with what I've accomplished; it's just externally that I feel like I must have missed about 100 or 1000 money boats over the past 20 years while I was doing the inner and soul stuff.
I simply didn't give a fuck about these things. I had better and more important shit to do.
But needing to now play grown up in the "real" world to secure myself in MY actual real world which has very little to do with the other one, is an actual mind and life fuck for me.
So like, here I am trying to merge the two, and do it in a way that feels right for me but also in a way that will achieve a goal I never really cared about before now, and it's weird (but I think I might be doing an OK job so far).
It's weird to feel (and know) that I have succeeded in what really matters to me, while simultaneously failing horribly in an area that I assume I had the brains and skills and time and energy to master, but fully neglected.
Or maybe I didn't.
Maybe I did do all that I could do. Maybe I really did do my best. Maybe I did enough. Maybe I did plenty.
Maybe I was planting seeds this whole time like I keep trying to convince myself of.
Maybe it's not too late. Maybe I didn't miss any boats that actually mattered.
Maybe I had to do all of that first in order to get to all of this and all that is to come.
Maybe now it's time and it simply wasn't before now.
Maybe it's just that simple.
Thank you for reading my heart as I go up and down and round and round through this transition.
P.S. Sign up here to get my newest writings, poems, podcasts, videos and visual diaries delivered straight to your inbox each month. It's free!
DO I ADD LIGHT & INSPIRATION TO YOUR DAY?
Please consider leaving a tip in any amount.
Your financial high five means so much.
Read why here.