After two months of connecting, I recently called it quits with my magic man. There's nothing I need to sort through regarding our dynamic and my choice to end it (it was the smoothest ride ever), but there is plenty I want to share because in terms of what I most want a potential relationship to look and feel like, this came pretty damn close.
I named this fellow my magic man because he felt just like magic the night we met. Simple as that. How he approached me, the things he said, the responses he offered, the way we danced and kissed and held hands and even the follow up that night, oh...and the next day and the days and weeks after that...it all felt like magic. He felt just like home. Everything flowed so beautifully. I even wrote a short poem in honour of that night, gave him a shout out in this writing, and talked candidly about how he and I started in this podcast with Sheena and how things ended in this podcast with Melanie. (At the time of that first recording, he and I had only met once, but 3 visits followed shortly after that.)
I also found it pretty amazing that in all the time we connected (2 months is like 2 years in Mandyland, FYI, so BIG DEAL ALERT!), he didn't give me one reason to delete his number or our messages (something I typically end up doing pretty quickly with most guys), and he gave me multiple reasons to keep the connection going. He's a pretty fab fellow.
From the moment we met until our very last chat, this man impressed me. He was different in all the right ways and his confidence was a treat to behold. He was more emotionally available than any man thus far, and let's be honest: I was more emotionally available to him than I had been to others as well. It was easy to be real and raw with someone who was the same. No games. Open communication. Genuine interest. Mutual respect. Oh, and he can kiss AND he can spell.
SIGN. ME. UP.
This guy was a full yes the night we met and it all progressed sweetly after that. Typically I am not so free-flowing with a man. When I am guarded with someone though, it's because I have reason to be. When it only takes me a few messages back and forth, or a few hours in a day, or just one date to call it quits, it's because I can already see the red flags, the lack of potential with someone, and I'm simply not gonna sign up for it. Unless it's a full yes, I get out quick. Lickity split like it never even happened.
Why waste a moment of my time or someone else's when I don't want one minute more with that person? When I've already made my decision. When there's just no turning back for me. Just to avoid hurting someone's feelings? That's absurd.
Being honest and upfront is a good thing. And if it hurts the person now, imagine how much it will hurt when you drag this shit on and he or she finds out you never had any intentions of staying in the first place. To me, that's cruel. That's not fair. And you didn't do your job properly. A slap on the hand for you! Plus, the longer you stay with the wrong someone, the longer you're preventing the right someone from showing up. Keep your love channel clear. Quit clogging it with half yeses.
When it's time to pull the plug, we all know when we know. But how many of us pay attention to that knowing? And how many actually do something about it? Not nearly enough. But I'm all about reading the cues I'm being given.
Through a man's words, actions and values, or his lack of words, actions or values, or just because my gut says so, it is clear to me when a fella is not going to be a great addition to my life so why include him in it at all? Or he's not a safe keeper for my heart so why expose it to him? He has not earned that gift and I deserve a man who has.
When I am completely free to be myself with a man, meaning he offers no resistance to what I'm about, no wonky drop offs (I don't double message - if I don't hear back it's game over), no attempts to change who I am, well then off we go.
And off I went with my magic man. It was probably the easiest experience I've had romantically because there was just no mess to sort through. Everything was on the table from the start and all the way through and I loved that I never, ever had to guess or wonder where he stood or what he wanted because he always made it crystal clear.
I generally feel a lot of anxiety when connecting with a man because most men (actually, most people) are not sincere (or possibly unaware) about their intentions, and/or are not forthcoming with their feelings and their needs (it isn't just women, you know) so I'm often confused about what the hell is going on.
I cannot read through other people's lines but I can certainly feel when they're crossed or insincere. When he says one thing that may be true but refrains from expressing other, more important truths, that's still lying in my books. Withholding is still deceit.
But back to the fellow who didn't hold back. Who wore his heart on his sleeve and welcomed my heart with open arms. The one who praised me for honouring myself and what I value even though it meant we were through. Well, this guy is one of the few who will keep an untainted place in my heart.
So why did I end it if he was so great, you might ask?
The reason I ended it is no one's business and is irrelevant to this story, but what I will say is that we all have deal breakers. I came upon one huge one during our last visit and made my decision based on that.
I knew there was no way in hell I could date or have a relationship with someone who possessed this deal breaker, so I let him know exactly what was up and not surprisingly, because of who he is as a person, he helped make this difficult conversation even easier for me.
When I told him we needed to talk, he didn't question me and said he'd call me on his lunch break. When he called, he told me to tell it to him straight and he meant it. So I did and my message was fully received. And respected. And admired.
Because we are both solid in who we are, this didn't turn into a conversation about either one of us needing to change ourselves or what's important to us. Isn't that lovely? I think so. Change needs to be inner motivated and on our own time. When we're truly ready and we're doing it for ourselves, then nothing can stop us.
So in terms of romance, I think it's wise to pick someone you're not hoping will change for you one day because it only leads to frustration, resentment and wasted time. Why not work on yourself instead and let the other do what they need to do without you?
I will never be with someone I feel the need to change, nor would I want to be with someone who would change himself for me. Personal and mutual growth is one thing, but trying to change another is just asking for trouble.
I think we all deserve to be loved for who we are AS WE ARE and free to be ourselves and live our truth fully and completely. And if you're with someone who wishes you were different, or you are someone who's continually frustrated with another for not being as you'd like them to be, then it might be time to reassess what you're even doing together.
I'm not after perfection but I think there might be someone who is perfect for me. Someone whose values and lifestyle align with my own. Someone who feels like home.
Time will tell. Having a relationship is not even in my top 10 of things I desire right now, but when I meet another magic man, I sure as hell won't be turning that fine fellow away.
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