Oh, my heart 💛
Yesterday I came across my collection of cards, art and letters from Paige’s father. We were just teens - 16/17 - and I even made a list back then of all the nice things he ever did for me. So cute. I have always made lists. I have always collected expressions of love. I have everything I ever received from anyone in school and beyond - guy or girl. I won’t keep everything. Just the things that make my heart happy.
These handmade cards from him make my heart happy.
I don’t have negative feelings towards Roger despite the fact that he’s never been involved in our lives.
I’m grateful for my daughter and I’m grateful that I got to raise her. I believe he served his purpose in this by helping to bring Paige into my life.
She was meant to be but ultimately she was meant for me.
I never felt something was missing. I knew and he knew he couldn’t bring something positive to this situation so the fact that he bowed out so epicly (he signed over full rights and custody when she was a few months old, thankfully) meant I was free to raise her as I saw fit.
When I would hear other people go on about their exes and I heard about all the struggles of shared custody or dads not showing up fully, I was grateful I didn’t have to deal with that. At least he didn’t half-ass it. He was out for good right from the start.
I’m not saying what I went through was easy or ideal or that he made an honourable choice, but I do believe it was perfectly suited to me and the way I wanted to raise Paige. I was focused on breaking cycles and I didn’t need or want interference. If he couldn’t really, truly show up, we didn’t need him.
In the KonMari Method of decluttering, you save the sentimental things and the photos for last. That’s basically where I’m at.
I have so many journals and so many photos and so many letters and so many cards. Marie Kondo says to only keep what still sparks joy in those areas. She has other criteria as well but I do like the idea of eventually going through each sentimental item to feel if it’s something I want to carry forward with me in the future. And I imagine it will be over a long period of time for me because my journal collection is immense and I want to explore the thoughts in each one in case I can turn something into a writing or into art. And I may not do that for years. I’m just happy to know they’re there and I’m grateful I didn’t burn them all years ago when I initially planned to.
Anyways, yesterday was such a big day for me. I got through so much stuff. Everything that’s left is sentimental so it’s my heart that will decide on each thing.
Does it expand or contract me? That’s how I’ll know.
Seeing my treasures from Roger made me feel something sweet towards that time in my life before Paige was born. And I think it would be sweet one day for her to see what her dad made for her mom when they were oh so young.
Just because things didn’t work out and just because he wasn’t in our lives, doesn’t mean I can’t be appreciative for what was beautiful and true: our naive love for one another and the gorgeous being we created.
With love and a box filled with treasures,
”Beautiful sentiments straight from your heart ♥️. Your statement about just because things didn’t work out doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate what was beautiful and true about the relationship is how I have approached all my relationships. I have grown, changed and come to know and appreciate who I am and what I need as a result of those interactions and I hope I I have instilled some level of better understanding of themselves in the other person as well. I wish more of us would look at love that way.” Valerie Beyer
“One day your Grandchildren might read your journals and see what a beautiful unique person your are oh the stories you will tell them.” Jacqui Demarte
“This is absolutely lovely Mandy. What a beautiful perspective to take. So much love, compassion and elegance.” Stepanka Srbecky
“I love this so much. I still have special mementos from previous relationships and friendships. I believe in keeping things that bring you joy too even if others don’t understand, then letting them go if and when it feels right.” Carmen Cordova