After two weeks of French Immersion, I'm realizing that working a 9-5 is not much different than learning a language full-time. Both are exhausting but one is immeasurably more enjoyable than the other.
Both also take up the most precious hours of my weekdays. And since my weekday evenings are usually spent decompressing and preparing myself for the next day, the weekends are the only time I am free and have the energy to create my art and build my dreams without interruption.
I miss having all of my days as my own (one of the greatest pleasures of being self-employed) but I know I'll get them back eventually. For now I'm just grateful for all that I accomplish each weekend.
There are some lovely Mandyland treasures in the works and it's my focus on those things that somewhat helps me to feel like I'm not wasting the days of my life working on these other things (like learning French).
I seem to always have the sense that anything that isn't directly related to one's dream is essentially a filler. Procrastination. Misdirection. Time that would be better spent ON one's craft.
But life does happen and we do have responsibilities and some things just make more sense than others at certain times in our life.
So for me, learning French trumped working a 9-5. But working on being self-employed again trumps learning a new language so there's a wee bit of an internal squish going on.
At school I'm wanting to be at home working. At home I'm wanting to stay at home working.
Yet I still go to class and do my best and write notes to myself about what I most want to accomplish during the upcoming weekend (or evening if I've got the mental space).
My goal is always freedom. Time freedom. Creative freedom. Freedom to express all that's pouring through me as it's happening. Freedom to be fully myself. Freedom to spend every hour of every day as I wish. Freedom to do MY work; not someone else's.
When I look back on all the choices I've made in my life thus far, all have pointed to my desire for freedom. I'll take feeling free over feeling bound any day.
And I suppose that my idea of success is being left alone to create whatever I desire while having the means (time, money, resources) to do so. And so far, I think I've hit that marker year after year because there isn't one thing I wanted to create that I felt I couldn't because I didn't have the time or money to make it, whatever IT was.
But there are still so many things left to do, to be, to feel, to see. Things that I fear will take forever but maybe that's because anything that isn't happening right now feels like forever away to me.
I am not patient. I wanted everything the minute each one arose in my mind.
But there's a process between the first thought and the end result. There's a gap between here to there because that's the essence of creation.
So I use my weekends as fully as I can, because my weekday evenings leave me maxed from a mind filled with French.
I dream in French. I wake up thinking in French. And I hear French all around me 5 days a week.
You have no idea how excited I am to go home to my fully English speaking city at the end of the month! My brain needs a break. And I need time with my loves.
But mostly I need every waking hour that I'm not in school to be spent furthering my ultimate vision.
With love and an insatiable hunger to create all the things I've ever envisioned during the minimal hours reserved for my craft,
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