This past month or so has been a freaking roller coaster for me.
So many broken promises, back-to-back disappointments, multiple almosts and close but not quites, a lot of hope and a lot of fear and plenty of laughs and plenty of tears.
Yet I don't think it's all in vain. I do think things often crumble when we're transitioning from the old to the new, and it takes time to adjust ourselves to what's falling away as we make space for what's to come.
It also takes time to align with the new thing we're in the process of creating. We're not there yet but we're certainly not where we were before so here we are now in limbo.
It's a scary and confusing place to navigate. But navigate we must.
Dismantling old structures and rebuilding new ones can be a pretty messy job. And sometimes I feel like it's extra messy for me especially because I feel everything so acutely.
"Just paid my rent for the very last time at the affordable rate that I've been so grateful to have for 13 years. Cried after I walked out of the building and the tears haven't stopped. Sigh."
After I paid my super low rent today (above was my Facebook post) and said a final farewell to this beautiful gift of so many years, I cried the whole ride home (not safe, I know, but the tears wouldn't stop) and I couldn't wait to return to my bubble lickity split.
But by the time I walked in the door, I was completely fine. I felt cleansed and ready for more. In the process of letting it all out, I released my fears of the day and they were replaced by knowing.
I knew it was time and that I would be ok.
And so with that mini mourning out of the way, I got straight to work figuring out new ideas. Finding new ways to support myself as fast as possible so that I can relax about my new living costs and get back to what matters most to me.
No I don't have anything concrete at the moment but I have a ton of things in the works (fingers crossed for Friday especially!) and what I'm most grateful for right now is that temp agencies exist.
Once I called and learned about them and realized how quickly I could line something up (heading there tomorrow to get trained), I felt immense relief.
I realized it actually isn't that hard to make money just for the sake of making money, which is kinda the goal right now while I wait to hear back from jobs I would enjoy doing and while I continue to do my real work.
The moral of today's story: It's healing to feel. It's healing to cry. It's healing to just be wherever the fuck you are. Why? Because that's your quickest route to the other side.
I cried as I said goodbye and then I was set for the next step. It was really that quick. Thank god.
I may feel and express more than most, but I also heal and overcome things super quick because of it. I'm so grateful for my feely self!
With love and a home that shoots out awesome rainbow beams because it's filled with me,
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