Last night the blues came for a visit and they hit me pretty hard today.
Being HOME (in Cambridge) last weekend was so wonderful and coming home to Montreal felt great this week, too ... until the holiday weekend creeped in and I realized that I don’t yet have here what I had back home.
It’s my very first Thanksgiving outside of Ontario, and not that I support what this holiday represents historically, but personally it (and all other holidays) has/have come to represent a time that I get together with my friends and their families.
The holidays had a very negative association for me growing up because of my family situation, but over the years I gradually created them into something else for myself.
Holidays became a time for me to get together with my closest friends and their families, and it filled me right up! Any excuse or chance to be included with a group of beautiful hearts while feasting on yummy home-cooked meals, I was in!
So I went from hating the holidays to loving them, not because of what they represent in society (I think most people have no clue or don't question what they're really celebrating), but because of what they brought to my heart as others celebrated their chosen traditions.
I reached out to a few close friends in Montreal to try to include myself in any Thanksgiving plans they might have, and there was no spot for me for various reasons. It was nothing personal, but it hurt my heart because back home I could have easily joined five family dinners if I wanted. And remember I always brought Too Good Triangles!
I felt the difference between here and there and it was a bit too much for my heart to handle. I came home from school feeling defeated and sad and pretty lonely despite all the love that surrounds me.
I had a good cry and then I took a long nap and woke up to a phone call from a classmate who knew I was stuck in the blues. He could relate to why that was because he, too, feels the difference between the long-lasting connections at home and the fairly new connections in our new city.
Both are wonderful, of course, but there’s something to be said about relationships that have spanned over years and decades.
There’s something to be said about the huge family that I have back home, and not one member is blood related. All have been chosen by my heart. Just like my friendships here.
Anyways, I shed the tears I needed to shed and now it’s time to start some new traditions for myself here in Montreal.
Although Paige and I don’t typically celebrate the holidays (I just seem to celebrate everyone else’s celebrations), when she realized how sad I’ve been about not having a place to go, she suggested that we do something this weekend together. So sweet. And Yain said we could get together over the weekend as well.
And my classmate who called me this evening to fill me up with love beams and threaten to come get me if needed so that I go to tonight’s birthday celebration for a mutual friend of ours, said that he’s in the same boat and he’d be happy to not cook together and celebrate Thanksgiving.
I have been looking forward to this birthday party for over a week, but when the blues hit I was like, FUCK. Not today. You know how it is. We retreat. We don’t want to ruin other people’s nights with our sadness. So we stay away and wait for a better day.
Thankfully, I had a friend pull me out of the little hole I had dug for myself, and I am very much looking forward to getting off my ass and being with a group of awesome people. As he and Yain and Michelle reminded me tonight, being around others is the best thing for the blues.
I believe this weekend can and will be wonderful. I just needed to adjust to the difference between here and back home, and now I can create something new that nourishes me here.
Thank you for reading my heart. I really needed to express it.
[Edit: The birthday celebration was wonderful and it healed my heart. The next evening Paige cooked us a feast and we had Chocolate Drumsticks for dessert as per her request. I've also decided that next year I will host Friendsgiving so that I can fill up on love beams and good food and create a space for those who feel like I did the day I wrote this piece.]