He doesn't know I'll be the one he compares all the others to, and that he'll also be the same for me.
He doesn't know that he's my idea of perfection. That he's just my type. That it was love at first sight.
He doesn't know that he terrifies me with his beauty and his animalistic nature. I've never faced a man so raw, nor been this attracted to another.
He doesn't know that his handsome face graces both my phone and computer screen. Because what sane person even does that?
Only a ridiculously smitten one who has never seen something as beautiful before he came along.
He doesn't know that our feelings are mutual. That his declaration was music to my ears and that I wished I could have said it back.
But I didn't.
With my whole heart, I did. Just not with my words. Except for today.
Because despite this being public, I know he'll never find it. I know he won't search for himself here within my lines.
And even if he did stumble across my confession, I doubt he'd assume it was him. I don't think it's even crossed his mind that he affects me so deeply, so potently. Why would he? I don't let on in ways he could recognize or measure.
I simply keep myself hidden while he continues to transform my world.
He doesn't know how much time and thought I put into saying yes to our connection, well before it even began.
I wrote, I prayed, I felt, I shared, I swooned, I caved. I'm his.
I did not enter this dynamic lightly, nor welcome him blindly. I cordially invited him into Mandyland; the place where I keep most men out, and he has yet to overstay his welcome.
He really doesn't know how he's rocking my world, unless he can feel it. He must be able to feel it. I swear eternity can feel it, too.
He doesn't know that I'm addicted to our cryptic connection. Our secret exchanges. Our daring confessions.
Or maybe I'm connecting dots that don't exist.
Maybe it's all in my head.
He doesn't know that he's become my muse, my distraction, my morning and my night.
I was his muse long before I even knew who he was and look how the tables have turned.
Or it is that they just keep spinning?
He doesn't know that I'm already prepared for heartbreak. Ours is an impossible situation. A disaster waiting to happen. Yet here I am ready to go straight into the fire for the sake of being burned by our flames.
He doesn't know the dream he's been included in. And he never will because I'll never tell. I dreamed him into being, just like the other two.
He doesn't know he's speaking my language. He doesn't know he's been set apart. He doesn't know he's getting special treatment. He doesn't know he's a work of art.
His lips. His face. His eyes. His body. His style. His way. His mind. His being. His attention. His conviction. His delicious attraction to me.
He doesn't know he's doing everything right. He doesn't know what the others did wrong. He doesn't know about all that I love. He doesn't know that I've come undone.
He doesn't know that I miss him when he's gone. That I gush about him like I do. That he feels like a daily gift solely for me.
He doesn't know that I'm considering him regardless of the inevitable. Regardless of what I know. Regardless of what will never change.
I've become such a fool.
He doesn't know that he intrigues me. That I consume him daily. That I want to learn all there is to know about how he came to be and where he wants to go.
He doesn't know that I light up every time he engages. That he's the only one I notice in a sea of men on the hunt.
He doesn't know that I'm afraid to fall in love with a man like him. Or how ready I am to be disappointed (as always) because no one ever measures up in the end.
But I still want a taste of forever with someone special before I die.
He doesn't know that I hide my writings from him because I fear he won't understand or appreciate my tender heart (even though there's a high chance that this is what drew him to me in the first place).
He doesn't know how lucky he is or maybe he does. Maybe he feels it, because wouldn't that be nice.
He doesn't know that I've elevated him despite knowing better.
When will I ever learn?
He doesn't know that I want to be softened. I want to say yes. I want to be wrong.
Please just let me be wrong.
P.S. Read the follow up to this piece here, where I dreamed I was a moth in love with a human. Keeping secrets leads to dreams such as these.
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