There is only one man who can infuse and disrupt my world with equal intensity. He drives me fucking crazy. Always has. Probably always will. We are too intense and too strong for our own good.
He first popped into my world in 2009. Wildly, I might add. I've written about him once. I've spoken about him a million times. His impact on me and my days is unparalleled and I still can't sort us out.
Can't take it. Can't leave it. Don't want it but need it.
And this rollercoaster we're on, this wild ride that lights me up and shoots me down and has me moving in and out of his world like clockwork, is both the highlight and the bane of my existence.
I'm not sharing this for advice. My soul knows what she's up to. I'm sharing it because it's true. And it's at the forefront of my experience right now. And I know I'm not the only person on the planet who is tangled up in a glorious mess with another.
As messy as it is though, I am grateful for everything that makes me feel alive, that affects me at my core, that inspires me to rage and express and reflect and get clear on where I stand. I am grateful for every round that helps me go deeper than the last, and I am grateful for the only kind of relationship I seem willing to accept and endure: non-committed non-monogamy.
I've never wanted this fellow as my own. I still don't. But there is something he offers that no one else can. Not in this lifetime at least.
Our connection is a mix of magic and black magic. It consumes me. For better or worse. An intense 24/7 dose of insanity with consistent tending to impossibility. Because I'm a fool, no doubt.
I don't require a lot, ultimately. Yet I require everything. Complete freedom...to live and to play and express...just for starters.
But most importantly, I require a safe and secure spot to deliver the whole of who I am. A vessel large enough to receive and adore my beloved heart and soul.
I've yet to find that last piece though. Except within myself.
Better me than another, I suppose.
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