Today was a very special day for me because I felt happy and aligned and I haven't felt that way in a while. Although I haven't been able to write about it publicly until now, I've been in the darkness much more than the light this past month or so, as only a few of my beloveds know, and most days lately it has taken an enormous amount of effort just to make it through each moment, let alone a whole day.
I was feeling quite desperate to leave this world on a few occasions over the past few weeks...as I've felt too many times before...and as some of you have no doubt felt along your own path as well.
I couldn't write my truth because it was heartbreaking. Because I just wanted to be gone anyways so why bother. Because I had lost hope in having a life worth staying alive for. Because I just felt done with the ups and the downs and the amount of energy it takes just to feel ok, which isn't always possible anyhow.
There were many days in a row I couldn't even reach out to my best friend, and that's rare. I was just waiting and praying to be free of this life. I was hurting so much. And not because of anything external, really. On the whole my life is quite rich and beautiful in many ways. But inwardly, things can turn quite dark.
Even in darkness though, my deeper self can still express light and somehow find a way to keep going. We humans have such an incredible capacity to endure hell. I'm not sure this a good thing.
I'm sharing this as a reminder that you never know who's around you that might be in deep pain and it's important to check in with them. My friends assumed I was ok but I wasn't. They thought I was busy working but I wasn't. I was battling demons and moments and life itself.
It isn't enough to say to someone, "I'm here for you. Just reach out if you need anything." Because 99.9% of the time we cannot reach out from the darkness. We need people reaching out to us to make sure we're not getting swallowed whole. There needs to be action; not just sweet sentiments, because someone's life could depend on it.
I am blessed to be surrounded by immense love from many directions but that didn't make it any easier to access it while I was lost in the abyss. Because I went mute. I was paralyzed. It was hell. And no one knew.
Despite that low period though, I still found a way to keep planting seeds for my future should I still be here for that. And I'm grateful I did because it gave me something to focus on, something to do, and as you saw on Friday, it gave me some wonderful results that I can feel proud of.
Just because someone is suffering inside doesn't mean they can't find a way to function in the world (although oftentimes they can't), so please, please, please ask the ones you love if they're ok because maybe they're not and they do need to talk. Check in every once in a while. Insert yourself into their experience because your words or your time or your caring could make all the difference. We all need much more than we are willing to ask for.
Anyways, today has been a wonderful day for me inwardly. That's a big deal for me right now. I am so grateful for the relief even if it's only temporary.
All my love (and an extra love beam if you need it tonight),
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