“Let tears flow of their own accord: their flowing is not inconsistent with inward peace and harmony.” Seneca
Today I’m not ok and that’s ok.
Even before I received the news of Carla’s tragic passing, I was already having a rough and teary night ... the news just made the tears overflow all the more.
How does one process such a thing?
I’m still in my pyjamas. I couldn’t really move much today. I thought a lot about a lot of things. I cried a lot about a lot of things (not just Carla’s passing). I talked and messaged with friends / classmates. Kai and I cried together tonight. He’s so sweet and tender.
I’m trying to wrap my head around the details of what happened and it’s impossible.
This whole situation makes life feel so bleak and dark and sad, even though I know there’s more to life than these parts.
But it hurts my heart. And it makes me feel quite alone and like I’m just floating along with nothing to protect me. Nothing protected Carla. Not even immense love.
I don’t know what to do with my broken heart that now wants to hide from the world. A world that feels much too big and scary to face while feeling so tender and raw because of the untimely death of an incredibly sweet friend.
So I just lay with myself on my couch. I feel what needs feeling. I write what needs writing. I think and I cry and I wonder how this unexpected life twist will mark and shape me, because every single experience we have creates a contour in our soul.
What I know for sure is that death deepens and unites us all. We cannot escape it. We must face it, somehow, in ourselves and in the ones we love.
I wish there was a group of us together right now. I needed so many hugs today. Still do. It makes me miss school where so many of my friends could be found in one place and a hug was just a few steps or one floor away.
There’s an emptiness in my heart.
I know it will fill up and overflow again one day, but for now it’s making room for grief.
Such is life when you fully participate in it.
Beloved Carla, it was an honour to know and love you and a gift to be in your home surrounded by your art and your spirit and the beautiful souls who love you. Rest in peace, sweet friend. Until we meet again.