Today I got the details for the upcoming video shoot that I was asked to be a part of. I'll be the lead girl of one of the artists in the song and it's taking place in a house party setting (so fun!) and I just found out I'm even getting paid for this. This blows my mind.
Anyways, I've said this so many times over the years and I'll say it again. Being in a video has always been my biggest dream ever. Just one video will do. Fine if more came after but I just always wanted to be one of the girls in an R&B video for well over 2 decades now.
My insecurities in front of a video camera and those crappy self-hating inner tapes have made this dream quite the challenge to actually realize though, and I've done a lot of work over the years to get to the point where I could say a full yes to an opportunity like this without having the inner bullshit ruin things for me, but still those destructive inner tapes have popped up with a vengeance this past little while.
I did say my full yes though. I am going to do the video no matter what. And I'm going to do it despite what my mind is telling me about my looks and my body. It has lied to me for most of my life, so I assume it's lying to me right now, but it feels very, very true nonetheless and it's really hard to live with at the moment.
It's not about my looks or my body, ultimately. It never was. It's about that part inside me that feels not good enough, not worthy enough, is self-abusive, and it happens to use my physical appearance to beat the hell out of me. It hasn't done that in many months. Not since November I think. But it's currently kicking my ass.
And I will move through it like I move through everything else. And I intend to have a wonderful time during my very first video shoot. (Update: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!)
I've written so openly about my inner struggles ever since I started writing publicly, so my long-time readers and my beloved friends already know what a triumph it was for me last November to get to the point of finally feeling accepting and loving towards myself. That was a phenomenal achievement for me and I've been riding that lovely wave of self-love pretty much daily since then. I've made it my priority.
And I will get there once again.
Maybe not today, but soon.
6 more sleeps.
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