Moving through my world right now is tough. With the awareness that I'm moving (if I don't drown in my own tears before then), everything takes on a new (and painful - at least for me) level of meaning.
I am already accustomed to celebrating and finding the beauty in everything. I am not accustomed to mourning everything though, which is what's been happening.
I went to my favourite club last night with some of my favourite people, and I was so sad inside the whole time. Hence, no drinks while I was there.
I couldn't shake the awareness that soon enough I will not have the option of going to Starlight on a Friday night with the people I know and love, seeing the familiar faces of the men I've enjoyed special moments with, and just being home. The only home I've really known.
I still danced all night and loved being with my bestie on the dance floor - something that rarely happens because we don't share the same music tastes - but she came out and danced all night to my favourite music just because she loves me.
So how could my heart not break to know I'm leaving her and other friends that love me like they do? Friends who show up like they do. Stop by like they do. Hug me like they do. Feed me like they do. Spoil me like they do.
Yes, I already know I will meet more people and blah blah blah.
But you can't discount the very real importance of your tribe. Your lifelong friendships. Your history. Your heart's sacred space.
There is no Melanie in Montreal. There is no Melanie in all the land. She is the only one of her and how will my heart handle so much distance from my own twin soul sister?
Even when I watched her dance in No Frills the other day, I teared up. It hurt my heart to know that I will not have the luxury of these impromptu magical moments with her when I am gone.
Everything I see seems to be dying right in front of me. Do you know what I mean?
I'm watching the moments - the only moments that matter - evaporate right in front of me. Never to be replicated. Such is life with or without the acute awareness of having limited time.
Lately I've been having a hard time being happy in my moments because I'm so sad that each one of them is taking me closer to being further away.
Do you understand?
Moving is not the same as dying but is sure as hell feels like it.
Once I leave my home there is no coming back. Never ever :(
Of course Cambridge will always be here but my home that I've created won't be. Someone else will soon be living within these walls. I can't even imagine that right now.
My beautiful home and my beautiful life will never be the same. And yes, I know that's probably a good thing. And I know I can create beauty anywhere. I can make a home anywhere. I can make new friends anywhere. And create new things anywhere.
But I am not there. I am here.
So excuse me while I cry my tears as I prepare to leave all that I know and love.
I need to mourn what's coming to pass. Don't we all?
Whatever it is that's being left behind deserves to be felt and honoured, don't you think?
I'm grieving the end of my world as I know it. That is no easy feat. And I choose to do that publicly.
I know I'm riding a wave of emotions lately. And watching my things leave my home, and taking actions towards a new life in another province, is overwhelming at times.
Some days I wonder whose bright idea this was. Because it's insane.
Other days I feel like it makes perfect sense and it's time for something new.
And in between the clarity and holy terror, I pack. I make calls. I cancel my gym membership. I create a new bank account. I cry. I write. I cuddle with kitties. I cry some more. I pray for time to stop. I pray to be in Montreal already. I pray to never have to leave this home. Never ever.
Maybe I can hide under the bed and life won't find me.
It's a whirlwind. It's not cut and dry. There are many moving pieces and conflicting variables and conflicting thoughts and feelings and real human beings that my choices will affect.
I've heard from four friends now who packed up to move far away and were not able to go through with it. The leap is not an easy one. I know. I understand. It's terrifying when it's not exhilarating.
I'm not considering not going to Montreal despite how hard it is to conceive of such a move right now. I'm just feeling what I'm feeling and expressing it along the way so that I can move through it and get to where I need to go.
Tomorrow will be a new day with new insights and new signs to read.
I will make my way home, eventually.
Thank you for reading my heart.
P.S. Sign up here to get my newest writings, poems, podcasts, videos and visual diaries delivered straight to your inbox each month. It's free!
DO I ADD LIGHT & INSPIRATION TO YOUR DAY?
Please consider leaving a tip in any amount.
Your financial high five means so much.
Read why here.