Today I had a friend over that I don't get to see too often and she brought up my post from the other day where I spoke about my recent darkness. It led to a hearty discussion on the subject and I wanted to share more of my thoughts in case it resonates with anyone reading.
First, the friend I was with admitted she often feels the way I described in my writing - like 90% of the time. Second, she is just one of many people I know and love who struggle as I do. It's what so many of us are going through so we may as well at least lessen the burden by sharing our hearts and stories.
This is why I write so openly about my experiences. Because to me it's not strange or odd or embarrassing or something to hide or be ashamed of. The darkness is something I've been familiar with all my life - first through my mother - and then through my personal experience - and then through well over half of the people I know and love. I've never felt like I'm the only one that goes through this. I know damn well how prevalent it is.
It is so common to meet people in deep pain. Just because it's not talked about as openly and frequently as other things are, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
I write as openly about the darkness as I do about the light because both are true. Both are aspects of who I am. Both are lessons and both offer hope and insight to others when expressed.
One is not ugly and the other one beautiful. Our darkness and our light are just aspects of the whole. We all have it. Just on different scales.
And "darkness" is what I choose to call it because I don't like the word depression and its unfortunate associations. And I don't resonate with "mental illness" because I think it's humanity on the whole that's ill, and it's the sensitive, awake and fully conscious ones who have the hardest time being part of such a sick world. In order to cope, we often get sick ourselves.
It's hard to stay sane in a world gone mad.
We struggle because we feel it all. Because so much of what goes on in the world genuinely hurts our hearts. Because we are not properly appreciated and compensated for our real gifts. Because we don't want to play the game that everyone else is playing. Because we are forced to find a way to fit into a world we know we don't belong in. Because the people who actually do get us are struggling with the exact same things as we are and we all just want to be free to be ourselves without diminishing our light for the sake of integrating with society.
But the world keeps demanding that we do things that we know in our hearts we cannot do. Because in order to do them we would need to harden our precious hearts and mute our truth and hide our gifts just to do what we're "supposed" to do - which is the thing that everyone else is doing.
And how many genuinely happy people do you see during your day?
Just because everyone is doing it doesn't mean it's right. And just because you can't do it doesn't mean you're wrong. Some are comfy being sheep. And some are not. Good.
But more about the darkness:
My darkness centers around the theme of failure. Of not "succeeding" in the (outside) world. I'm not talking about superficial bullshit or needing accolades from others because ultimately I don't care what others think of me. If I did, I doubt I'd be so vocal about everything I think and do.
I'm talking about my personal version of success. I care about what *I* think of myself and my life. And by my own standards, it is not enough for me to be a good mother, a good person, and a creative being. These things are essential to me, but on their own they certainly don't hit the spot.
I also want to make a good living through my own efforts and on my own terms. And if I don't/can't have that, then yes, I do/will feel like I've failed in my personal mission on this planet. I am proud of the other things, but this is something I want just for me. And I want it like you wouldn't believe.
(I'm not currently in the darkness but here's what happens when I am):
And so follows the frustration of realizing that despite all of my hard work over so many years, and all the ways I stayed true to myself every step of the way along my rocky path, and that I never once compromised who I am and what I believe in, and that I always did the things I loved even if they didn't make me money, doing ALL the things my heart called me to do without question, and doing them all so beautifully, well then it ends up pissing me right off that those things combined have yet to make a glorious mark on the external world in the way I had hoped for myself. That's a hard pill for me to swallow.
I'm not here just to pass time. I'm here to fucking rock it. And if I can't rock it in the way I wanna rock it, well then what the fuck am I doing here? I want what I want and I can't be content with less.
And it's that awareness that makes me want to call bullshit on those who say that "hard work will get you what you want" and "do what you love and the money will follow" and "just be true to yourself and everything will fall into place" because it's not that simple. That isn't true for everyone. There are many other factors to consider. Like, if love and sacrifice and hard work was enough, almost every great parent on the planet would already be wealthy.
So the darkness is often a response to the discrepancies between how you're told it should be (or believe it should be) and how it actually is. It's the pain of feeling like you've given every fucking ounce of magic you have, and you STILL have yet to create the vision you've held for so long. It's the feeling of futility. It's the desire to stop trying so fucking hard for something you're not sure is even coming. It's the desperate need for relief from the pressure, the strain, and the uphill climb.
It's a frustrated spirit. Period. It's unrealized dreams. Yep. And that fucking kills.
Sure you can medicate it. You can numb it. You can try to ignore it. But ultimately, if you choose to stay, you'll one day have to face what ails you.
In my experience, the darkness is asking me to reflect. To tweak a thought, a belief, an aspect of my life that is truly not serving me right now. It's also letting me know that I'm on the cusp of a breakthrough. And one that will be thwarted if I do not allow myself to move through the swamp so that I can get to the forest.
Only the warriors are willing to look within and face it all head on. It's the hardest thing we can ever do.
Are you ready to take a peek?
All my love,
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