He showed up in the perfect package, surrounded by the perfect details, both of which would ignite some of my deepest desires.
I couldn't look away. I couldn't turn my back. I couldn't do anything but walk straight into the flames.
His mere being and all it represented, sparked enough in me to have me flying high as a kite for days and weeks on end, feeling inspired to write some of my richest pieces (linked below), and not because of who he is, but because of what he was to me and what I created him to be.
It's not that he said or did anything to earn or warrant such potent feelings and expressions inside and from me, nor did I make him privy to either thing since I reserved it all for my art, my blog, and my inner world.
What you, as an artist - as a magic being, are capable of creating is never in direct proportion to what is being witnessed or offered.
It is you, all you, who sees or feels what is there under the surface, and you connect the dots and make this enhanced version of reality more vibrant than it could have ever been on its own without your intense and steady gaze upon it.
So that's what I did. I sculpted my ideal - in my heart and in my mind - before reality came knocking, as it inevitably does.
We paint and write and experience what WE see; not just what is. We actually use what is to bring forth what's been bubbling up inside of us just waiting to be released.
And beauty sure is a catalyst, isn't it?
Have you ever been so incredibly attracted to someone that it hurts? Or that you're at a loss for words? Or that you can't even believe your luck? Well that was me.
I could hardly handle his beauty. It really did make me weak. And stupid. And childish. And dreamy. And oh so willing to set aside the deal breakers and red flags just to have a taste.
Not physically though (to the disappointment of my friends and probably him), but energetically, artistically, and romantically.
And the more we connected, the more tempting things got, and the further things progressed, the more I knew what was coming.
I knew that knowing him more fully would mean the end of us, and not because he's some horrible person, but because he's not 'my' person, and so I wouldn't end up with him.
Nor would I tangle myself up with him sexually in the meantime.
If I was motivated by sex, I'm sure I would have. But I'm motivated by depth and connection and truth and beauty before even contemplating sharing my body with another, and every aspect of my being must be in alignment to say a full yes to something or someone.
To do something from a disconnected or split energy is to ask for trouble, and I don't need that (none of us do). So I engaged in the ways that felt light and fun and deep and beautiful, and that was it.
This was a deliberate choice, of course. I don't do things without much thought put into it - especially with matters of the heart - and I intentionally overlooked things I would not have with any other man, just to make room for him in my world.
When a muse appears, all bets are off. You cannot squander this rare gift by being practical or realistic. You have to dive right in if you're to capture all its meant to bring you and be given to the world through your art.
And that takes some measure of courage, doesn't it?
It also takes full awareness of opposing truths simultaneously - the art being created through what is, and the reality of what it isn't. Both exist. Neither needs to trump the other - for a while. At least for as long as you can stand the disconnect, the double vision, the ache of anticipated heartbreak, the full knowing that this can't end well, but end it must.
Not everyone is sent to be your someone. Some are sent to explore and evoke and arouse. Some are sent to challenge us and push our limits. Some are sent to soften our edges in preparation for who or what is to come.
And had he not been my idea of physical perfection, he would not have been given the slightest chance. Not because I'm that superficial (a man's character trumps everything in terms of who I'll end up with), but because my intense attraction to him overrode all the things that would have taken any other man out of the running.
We can't help what our deal breakers are. And he and I knew this would never really turn into something substantial for a plethora of reasons, but still we felt bonded, and excited, and ready to see how far it could go.
So with that being said, the dream dissolved when it was forced to face reality, and now I can never go back to when it was all I ever wanted because it was so much of what I had yet to meet.
With love and a hope that I will meet another just as beautiful in addition to so more,
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Part 2: My Confession
There was no way I couldn't explore this with him - under any circumstances - that's all I knew.
I had to do this because I wanted something with him more than I wanted anything with anyone. I wanted this experience and all the insanity that surrounded it despite me knowing better than to tread this path.
The absurdity of it all only made it more appealing and layered and worthy of dissecting, discovering and diving right in.
And I could have had him, were I willing to lose a part of me, but I cannot betray myself for another. My tender heart wouldn't have it.
She would not say yes to this.
If I had said a full yes to what was offered, that yes would have been at the expense of myself.
If I were to have him, it could only be partially. And only sexually. And devoid of what I truly wanted.
So to say yes to just a slice when the whole pie is what I'm after, seemed absurd. He couldn't offer me the kind or size of pie I wanted and needed. He wasn't made with those specific ingredients.
He offered what he could but I could not accept it because I'd rather stay hungry for the pie I most crave, than to devour something insubstantial just to appease my sweet longing.
Not that this ending came as a surprise.
This dissolution for this precise reason was expected and written about from the start, because I knew what I was getting into and I knew it wasn't for me, ultimately.
But I still went forward knowing it would end in frustration or pain.
I knew the limits of what could be, as did he, as did my subconscious when I Dreamed I Was A Daughter Of The Moon, but I also knew there was beauty to be found and enjoyed along the way.
We both wanted something rather than nothing with one another, and we were equally compelled to see what that could be.
So I said yes to more even when the 'no' (well, multiple nos) appeared, and thus began my daily inner struggle of many weeks (7, in fact) leading up to the point of meeting.
It was more than worth it, mind you, and I have no regrets despite my current disappointment.
To be at odds with oneself for the sake of art and experimentation and intense curiosity isn't necessarily wise nor recommended, but oftentimes it's essential to produce the sweet fruit of our tortured labour.
I went through the ringer inwardly and daily as I expanded myself and my ideas enough to make space for what was offered, and fed my creations accordingly, and without him having a clue that this was so.
And I created the art that could have only poured through me with this gorgeous man in my sphere. For that, I will always be grateful.
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