Today's truthbomb from Danielle LaPorte ("as long as it takes") really hit me right in the feels - in a great way. It reminded me of my ongoing and life-long journey of self-love and it somehow helped me feel at peace about the one thing that's been plaguing me since my bazillionaire transformation back in November. More on that in a minute.
First though, I am so proud that my self-love game gets stronger every day. It's not by accident. It's not because of my age. It's through deliberate action and internal focus - all day, err day, with increasing momentum over a number of years. It's through making myself and my well-being my top priority - always.
Caring for myself inwardly is honestly the most important thing in my world these days. Nothing trumps it. Ever.
I care about how I think and feel about myself more than anything else because I know EVERYTHING in our life is a reflection of what we've got going on inside - so I'm all about creating the most abundant and beautiful inner landscape that I can dream up because I enjoy feeling good. I enjoy being happy. I enjoy inner peace. I enjoy things flowing freely. I enjoy loving myself and who I am and how I create and what I offer the world. I enjoy being my own best friend (formerly my most cruel critic). And I enjoy being free of the dark cloud that hovered and threatened me repeatedly with its weight and misery.
Feeling unworthy is just not worth the pain it brings. Been there, done that, fuck that. Anything but that.
I currently live in my own delicious version of reality - one where everything is awesome and nothing sucks. I cultivate this reality by the hour. Sure, things still happen "out there" but my goal is to stay solid and centered and joy-filled "in here" despite what's going on around me.
We all have that power. We'd all be wise to use it. We are each strong enough to face what life is currently presenting us with because life wouldn't bring you anything that isn't meant to strengthen you, to make you more than you were - or rather, more of who you are, and to take you to the exact place you're meant to go.
I'm saying that not to be trite or cliche about the purpose of someone's suffering, but having suffered a great deal for much of my own life, I do believe it served my highest good and helped me to become the person I always longed to be: genuinely happy and self-loving. But that meant I'd first have to face and transmute ALL the parts of me that were not in line with that goal. Yikes.
I was so far from that. It felt impossible. I didn't know how to do it or even if I could. I just knew it hurt. I knew I hated looking at myself and I hated my body and I felt like a bad person and it didn't matter what anyone said to the contrary. I couldn't buy into their kind words. I wasn't yet able to see myself through their eyes and I didn't know how to change that fact. How could they not see what I saw? But thank goodness they didn't. Thank goodness I've been viewed through the eyes of love by so many in my adult years after an upbringing of the exact opposite.
Which brings me to the one thing that's been plaguing me since my bazillionaire transformation back in November: the "loss" of all those years prior. Meaning, it hurts my heart that I went through so much of my life being so mean to myself and I wish I could get all those years back and completely live them over again so that I could see what magnificence I could have created and made possible had I felt worthy of my own love and support, and had I not been directing all my life energy towards cleaning up the mess of my childhood and doing the inner work all these years to finally get to this point of self-love.
But I did my best. And the work was done. And instead of mourning what couldn't be, I know I'm better off just celebrating the fact that I even made it this far. That I even achieved any measure of self-love in my lifetime considering what I was starting with. I know my mom didn't get anywhere close to releasing her shame and self-hatred before she passed so at least one of us succeeded on that front.
And even though I wish I could do my whole adult life over again as the Mandy I am right now, at least those years were not wasted. At least I did what life required of me. What my soul required of me. What each moment required of me. At least I was fully present and available for the experience of my life every step of the way. At least I felt things. At least I faced things. At least I created. At least I lived authentically. At least I tried my very best. At least I shared my heart and soul and discoveries along the way for those who might have benefitted from my raw expressions of pain and suffering and joy and insight. At least I was not alone in my struggle - so many could relate.
At least my transformation happened at this stage of my life instead of 20 years from now or instead of never.
At least it happened at all.
This is why Danielle's truthbomb speaks to me today. I no longer want to feel bummed out that it took so damn long for me to get to this point because really, my soul signed up to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to get me to this spot and beyond, and the fact that it took a few decades means very little, ultimately.
I had important work to do. I did that work. I wasn't slow through this process. This is just how long it took. Nothing was wasted and it could not have been any different. I was exactly where I needed to be every step of the way. I trust that.
Onward and upward as they say.
P.S. Sign up here to get my newest writings, podcasts, videos and visual diaries delivered straight to your inbox each month. It's free!
DO I ADD LIGHT & INSPIRATION TO YOUR DAY?
Please consider leaving a tip in any amount.
Your financial high five means so much.
Read why here.