So this happened yesterday...
And today I've been thinking about that scare and how grateful I am that I didn't end up under a car simply because my tire went in the opposite direction. That being said, had the worst happened, I would have gone having lived a great life and without any unfinished business (except for my basement - almost done lol).
I mean, sure I have more dreams and goals but I don't have anything pressing right now that would make me feel like I didn't make the most of my life, or that I wish I had done this or that before I died, because I've done and created a helluva lot. And everything I've done has been exactly what I wanted to do. And I've lived my life on my own terms and I have genuinely good and sacred relationships and I've already left my mark in this world in a way that feels good to me, so anything else is just icing on the cake.
Hell, anything past my 40th birthday is icing on the cake because as many of my readers know, I didn't even want to make it to 40. I was planning to be gone by then.
So in terms of when my time is up on this silly planet, I could care less. But while I'm here, I'm here to enjoy it and make the most of it, spread some light while I'm at it, and of course I'm here to feast and drink and dance and write and play and love and feel and laugh and cry and hug and kiss and share my heart with the world.
I'm not afraid to go. Those of us who have felt depressed and suicidal have often dreamed of going. Many of us are quite comfortable with, and ready for, the inevitable.
The only thing that worries me is the passing of time and how it relates to how well I'm making use of it. I never want to waste one day of my life. Not even one hour. And "wasting" to me means doing something, anything, that is not in alignment with who I really am. But if I haven't wasted my life for this long so far, maybe I can just stop worrying about that and keeping doing what I'm doing until my time is up.
I think of death daily, maybe even hourly depending on the day. Not in a morbid way. I just constantly have full awareness that life is temporary and that I only have this moment. I could be gone at any time (all of us could be...and will be eventually) so I do my best each day to live as richly, authentically and potently as possible.
If I had actually ended up under a vehicle yesterday, I would have left knowing that everything I left behind that actually mattered, was beautiful.
My relationship with my daughter. My relationship with my loves. My expressions from the heart, and the way I lived my life.
So very happy to be here.
But I'm always ready to go.
All my love,
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