I know I don't look poor. I don't act poor. I don't live poor. I don't even consider myself poor. But if we were to inspect my financial reality over the past 20 years, I have been living under the poverty line every single day from the moment I left home to raise my girl, until today.
Two weeks ago I received an eviction warning for not being able to pay my rent. Last week was the first time in my entire life I had a deficit in my account, yet I still feel and believe I am the richest woman in the world.
I live life more fully than anyone I know and I have dreams much larger than my current reality.
My happiness is not based on these temporary situations because I know the day will come when I won't need to choose between food or bills, which I recently had to do, and it not only depleted my account, I incurred a $45 NSF fee for not being able to pay said bill.
Themz be the breaks when you're taking unpaid time off to heal from an injury and your sugar daddy has yet to arrive. Either way, I'm happy and the money will come.
From the moment I left home to raise my girl, I chose to make all my decisions based on what felt right for me; not what was easiest, which meant that following my dreams trumped everything: including a steady or substantial income.
My choice to not work in a conventional way, to write books that I self-published, to build businesses that rock, to go into debt for my degree and diploma, allowed me the luxury of staying home to raise my girl in her younger years and the ability to be around in the older ones.
I've been able to do everything I love while making a difference in the lives of others, and these things mean more to me than the security that would come from doing work that was not in alignment with my core values.
That being said, I'm not promoting poverty or the "starving artist" syndrome that so many believe in, because I still have hope that I will thrive financially from the type of art I create, which is sharing my heart and soul with the world IN REAL TIME. Nor do I think any of us, no matter who we are or what we do, should ever need to worry about how to get our next meal.
And yes, sometimes even gifted artists need to take work just to pay the bills while they build their empire, which I have also done periodically over the years and am looking to do again while I continue to heal my limbs. Not all of us have partners and family who can help us out during the extra lean months.
Even though no one I know would want to live with my limited financial means especially after all these years, I am so very proud of all the ways I've used the money that has ever crossed my path. Look at all I built and created!
My current finances (or lack thereof) have nothing to do with my ability to manage them (I've worked miracles with every dollar along the way), but it does reflect the reality of what happens in a tough situation when it's just me, myself and I, and there's no one else to hustle while I rest. This is why I don't feel like a failure for the fact that I still haven't seen the financial results of all my hustling.
Anyone who knows how little I've been working with all these years knows I'm incredibly resourceful and have worked endless magic while pursuing all of my dreams. I barter goods and services like a boss. I build things like a mofo. I don't waste a dollar. I receive countless blessings from those around me (like trips to the club and beautiful clothing and hair care and skin care goodies and other sweet miracles), and I am happy to share that I did not go even $1 into debt while building my Too Good Triangles business. It all paid for itself the whole way through.
And, during the exact week I received my biggest financial surplus from TGT, my body shut down. After a year of pain, this chronic injury was only getting more severe and it was time to pull back and reconfigure things, once I made it through my depression, that is.
So of course, while being out of regular work since April and not pimping my desserts like I used to, my finances have been a challenge. But so what. They won't always be. Things always get better. And I needed a break, even if it meant not having enough money to take it. And I got to build this gorgeous new website with the help of my friends, and I was able to learn that my worth was not dependent on what I do/achieve/earn/create; that it is inherent to who I am.
So if that was the price of being broke, I'll take it.
These past few months have really allowed me to fall in love with Mandy, and to me, that's priceless. I am happier and more accepting of myself than I have ever been. I've needed this all my life.
I deserve it.
I'm so grateful for everything.
The richest woman in the world. xo
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