My friend, Kristy, shared a wonderful link this morning called, "Why Robin Williams' Death Is So Personal For All Of Us" which expressed a great perspective on the mass sadness over his death. Many of us have been affected. His death even inspired my two previous writings, Not Just Because He's Famous and Here We Are. Lucky Us.
I had the worst sleep last night, and a really shitty dream, and woke up teary. I'm still teary. And not because of it being Robin Williams specifically (I don't feel any personal connection to his work unlike those who can list off all their favourite movies of his), but because the topic of depression and suicide is so close to home that it hurts.
Because I, and many people in my life, have been on the edge and know intimately how unbearably heavy each depression can be, and that we are often just one moment away from ending it all.
Just one. One fucking moment. That's scary as hell.
It breaks my heart.
I love you, friends.
I'm glad I'm still here. I'm glad you're still here. Just being here is an extraordinary accomplishment for so many of us.
Even on my website under my "accomplishments" you will find at the bottom, "Made it through every depression I've faced (so far)." and "Still here despite my constant urge to leave this world."
It's a daily thing. I imagine it will always be a daily thing.
There is not one day that goes by that I wouldn't rather be free of this life entirely, but so far, I have not been willing or able to end my own life, and so, while I'm here it is always my mission to give all the light I can because I know it helps. If I'm choosing to stick around I may as well light up the world as much as I can until my light goes out.
I experience many moments of joy and I am incredibly grateful for so much and I celebrate EVERYTHING (because what else do we have but what's right in front of us in any given moment), but there is nothing, absolutely nothing in this fucked up world that we live in, that is so amazing that I'm proud to be part of humanity and want to stick around for an extended period of time. I'm not and I don't. I'm ashamed of us for the most part. I can't wait to be free of it all.
Humans are the only creatures that are fucked up and thus, they keep fucking everything else up and making life hell for others and destroy so much in the process. It's a sick, sick world.
Just a heads up that I am not in a depressed state at the moment. I'm not speaking from darkness. I'm just wanting to express my ultimate truth. That no matter how much love, joy, inspiration and engagement I offer, I still count down the days until I'll finally be free of the human experience. I doubt many will share my perspective, but I'm voicing it nonetheless.
If only kitties could replace humans. Then I'd want to stay forever, as an adorable little kitty just hangin' with my kitty friends.
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