This time last year I was in extraordinary pain filling Christmas orders for Too Good Triangles. I was also under significant stress, except I didn't even know I was stressed because it felt so natural to have so much to do and not enough time to do it. Physical pain had also become familiar after almost a year of dealing with it.
As an entrepreneur, I had grown accustomed to a 24/7 work ethic that had spanned 7 years, and it was my genuine passion for what I was doing that fuelled it all. It certainly wasn't adequate sleep, proper work/life balance and generous self-care. It was love for what I was doing. I just wasn't putting myself into the equation.
Even before TGT, my plate was overflowing. TGT just happened to be the thing that brought this imbalance into clear focus.
After the rush of Christmas, it took another few months before I really started to realize that things were only getting worse, and it took 9 months to finally stop what I was doing and commit fully to myself and my well-being, even at the expense of dropping my thriving business.
I have zero regrets.
Over the past 4 months I have become a new Mandy. I am free from constant stress and chronic pain (there's still some pain but not to the extent it was), from sadness and not-enoughness, and my all-or-nothing and now-or-never energy has been replaced by my trust that it'll all get done eventually.
All my life I felt I was running out of time, and I was in a hurry to do everything all at once before my time ran out. This was a very real experience for me and it made it so hard for me to relax. I could feel each moment more acutely than those around me, so things like sleep or getting sick really felt like a waste of my time on this planet.
I had so much I wanted to do. I still do. But not at the expense of me.
Now I feel like I have plenty of time to do all the things I want to do; just not all at once, and only after I've taken care of myself first.
I genuinely love sleeping now. I love giving myself that gift. I also love doing just one thing at a time and often nothing at all.
I love not running a business. I love not feeling pressure. I love setting wonderful boundaries. I love being this version of me.
And I definitely still love achieving, except for right now my goals are simple. Maintain my beautiful home daily. Get enough sleep. Eat well and move often. Keep plugging away at my new site so that all of my writings are visible on there (should be done sometime in 2015). Get a cute new hairstyle (done!). Enjoy my kitties. Share my heart.
I do have bigger dreams for 2015 and beyond, but what I know now is that it will be much easier to line up with them when I am properly aligned with myself. Not that I felt misaligned before - I was so excited by what I was doing - but my body was showing me that I was off course and it was time for a course correction.
This is why I'm grateful for 2014 and all the pain it delivered to me. Without it, I'd still be hustling while being oblivious to my inherent worth and awesomeness.
Now that I am certain of both, I no longer have anything to prove.
I'm finally good enough for me. That's the ticket.
All my love,
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