Today I met with an old flame I had not seen since our first extraordinary meeting over a year ago. Our intense connection back then was short-lived but not easily forgotten by either of us, and it formed the basis of my third book in waiting called "30 Hours".
Following those 30 hours we spent, our fertile experience came to an abrupt end through a quick succession of errors / choices on his end that made it impossible for me to continue on in any way.
Since then, I closed the door to what we shared, and each time he initiated a reconnection over this past year (about 4 times now with the last being about 2 months ago), I simply shut the door again.
He would always offer thoughtful messages and very much wanted to heal and fix what he had broken, but I was too angry (and genuinely hurt) by what had happened to even consider giving anything more than a decent reply with a firm explanation of where I stood. I left no gaps for him to re-enter through. The wall was up and he was no longer welcome in my world.
Despite my tendency to leave the past in the past, I recently had a change of heart about the entire situation between he and I, and it was actually me who initiated contact this time.
I was now the one looking to heal things between us. Not because I wanted to reconnect romantically, but because I became increasingly aware that the anger and resentment I have been harbouring since that time was not helping me in the least, nor was it healthy to be carrying it around inside me each day.
Clearly I had not yet found a way to release it on my own, so I took a chance and reached out to the man I never thought I'd speak to again, with the hope that we could heal things together.
I let him know I still felt unresolved about our experience and I was tired of being angry. That I wanted to be free of this resentment towards him and hoped that an open dialogue could create some space for understanding and ultimately, forgiveness. I no longer wanted to carry the weight of my unloving thoughts about him and what happened.
I wanted to be free.
His response to my request was perfect, kind, and beautiful. He was 100% open to hearing about my grievances and offered to answer any questions I might need answered, even suggesting that I outline these things specifically in an email for him to respond to, stating, "I really want to rectify what I can and leave you feeling as resolved as possible." He also offered to meet in person should I prefer that.
We did both. We cleared the nitty gritty via email yesterday (he took full accountability for his side of things and completely validated mine) and we agreed to meet today to tidy up any other loose ends.
It was a peaceful visit. More silence than talking. Just a space being offered for healing. That's all I needed. I felt validated, heard and understood through our exchange. It wasn't about the details after that.
It was about caring enough about one another to make amends. To make things right. To correct my thinking about the past and to finally let him off the hook. It was about making my inner peace more important than anything else. And it was about forgiveness, because I deserve to be free. And as long as I carry anger and pain and resentment in my heart, I really can't be.
He provided me with the explanations I needed and I reciprocated with a heart that was no longer closed. Love has been restored.
He did ask how the book was doing and I admitted that I had been unable to even look at it after things fell apart. But now that I am free to move on without the weight of our tainted past, maybe I can re-read our story and bring it back to life somehow. Time will tell.
I commend this man for being so open to my request, especially after I had repeatedly shut him out when he tried to explain himself. A lesser man would have declined out of spite.
So while I don't think it's often wise to reconnect with certain people from your past (they're in the past for a reason), I do think there are times when a reconnection IS the answer to your current prayer.
My prayer was for peace about our situation. That led me to contacting him. And now all is well. That dusty little corner in my heart has been cleared out and I can only imagine that today's healing will clear the path for more love in the future.
Is there something or someone you need to forgive?
Maybe now is the time.
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