It's official. I survived the moment of departure and for the first time in my adult life, I am responsible to no one else but me. I woke up beaming. I spent the day beaming. I'm even beaming right now. But yesterday's heart-wrenching experience went something like this.
It was all so strange. A surreal and an emotional day. How does one prepare for no more kids in the house? You can't, really. You just live with them until they no longer live with you.
A swift departure after decades of learning (or not learning) how to let go.
The night before Paige moved out, she brought up boxes of old photos from the basement and we had many laughs over my baby ones (like the one pictured above with my face lodged into my mom's head), as well as some nutty ones of Paige.
It was nice to spend the evening with my girl before she began her next chapter without my daily influence.
PREPARING FOR WHAT'S TO COME
As I reclaim my sacred space in this beautiful home that I've created, I feel so excited for what's to come.
I'm especially excited to see how my relationship with Paige will change now that we are free of one another. Don't get me wrong, we are probably closer than many mother/daughter duos, but we also drove each other insane on the regular.
Neither of us enjoyed living together but we sure enjoyed those heart to hearts and using each other's make up and clothing without permission.
As Paige got older, we talked often about how much closer we'll become when the stress of cohabitation is taken out of the equation. When you remove the constant bitching to get chores done, or to return what wasn't yours to take in the first place, or the ongoing irritation of having someone in your space to deal with in any capacity (especially being that she and I are both solitary by nature), or to come home to a mess that isn't even yours, what you are left with is a whoooooole lot of space to just be.
And freedom from all those things that made you just want to scream.
Paige and I were not ones to spend much time together (although for the last few days leading up to her moving out I repeatedly entered her room wanting to connect and she wanted none of it lol) but whenever she was seeking insight on a life situation, she came to me and the result was always a multi-hour heart to heart that left us both feeling amazing and that much closer.
Apart from that, our time was spent fighting, sleeping or just trying not to be around each other (her more than me).
I know Paige won't be the type to want to come by to visit frequently, any more than I'd want to have company frequently, but I do know she will still reach out if she ever needs me and I will always be here.
Lucky for her, she won't experience the parental guilt trips that typically come along with moving out and moving on. I remember them all too well and I have no desire to emulate this unfortunate parental practice, nor do I want to insert any illusion of control into her life now that she's out on her own. Kids hate that. Let them be. None of us want to be told how to live.
I did my best to raise her as well as I could (failing miserably many, many times), and now I'm happy to be free of such a high level of responsibility. I know I've raised a good kid and I know she has what she needs inwardly to navigate life while remaining true to herself. What more could I ask for?
I'm just so happy and excited for both of us as we embark upon a brand new adventure. Like I've said in the past, from birth to 18 was my first chapter where I went through what would eventually shape me into the kind of woman I've become, and at 18 my second chapter began when I gave birth to Paige (as well as to my true self), spending the next 19 years healing and transmuting much of what I endured growing up, and now at 38, I am beginning my third chapter and my most beautiful one yet.
I have a sparkly clean slate. One that is free of my childhood. Free of motherhood (hands on, at least). And free of so many of the toxic beliefs I used to live with daily.
It feels great to be here on my own in my quiet, humble abode. With kitties at my feet and a tidy home that will finally stay that way.
Chapter three will be just for me.
So much love,
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