Disclaimer: This post is not a cry for help or a plea for sympathy. It's an honest look at something that many of us struggle with and my intention is to put a voice to the silent hell that most never speak about.
I have wanted to write this post for over a month now, but did not want to write it while in complete darkness because it was much too terrifying to name publicly and I did not want to worry anybody. But now that I have returned from that space into a more comfortable emotional state, it feels important for me to say the things that are all too often left unsaid in the hopes that someone reading this will feel a little less alone.
Whether we fear being seen as crazy, or fear the reactions of those we love, or genuinely feel that no one in the world could possibly understand what we're going through, sharing one's personal struggles is never easy. Maybe we don't have a safe spot. Maybe we blame ourselves for what's going on. Maybe we think there's just no point in doing anything about it because things never change anyways. Maybe we'd just rather die than live with the internal pain we can't seem to shake.
In the past month or so I think I had 2 days where I did not want to die. I'm not talking about being suicidal (if you are feeling suicidal though please call 1-800-273-8255 for support). I'm talking about an overwhelming urge to leave this world because staying feels pointless. Because you've been hurting long enough. Because no matter what you do, things aren't working. Because the void appeals more than the black hole. Because you can't get up. Because you can't keep going. Because you've fucking had enough. Because your life has lost meaning. Because you have no idea why you're here. Because you don't have enough resources to cope with what you're being faced with. Because you've lost all hope. Because you can't find one good reason to stick around.
Because staying here for them isn't worth what you'll have to endure to do so.
And it doesn't mean you're researching ways to kill yourself, but maybe you are or maybe you have. Or you're just praying that one click of a button could put you to sleep forever. I get it. That's what I wanted. I would have pressed it last week and the week before and the week before that and countless weeks during my lifetime. And so would most people I know and love if they had the chance to end their suffering so easily.
During my recent darkness, I had two other beloveds who were also losing the will to stay alive. There is a beauty in being understood by those who have faced or are facing the same issue, but it did not help to resolve what each of us must face moment to moment on our own.
And I had other beloveds that I reached out to who were not going through something similar, and they were able to just hold the space for my pain and did not try to change it but instead just worked at reminding me of the truth about who I am. They checked in regularly to make sure I was still here. They cared. They didn't judge. They listened. They offered help. And I am so blessed.
And then there was Paige who completely understood. Who admitted that if she had gone through what I did growing up and had to work so hard to overcome so much for so many years after the fact like I have been doing, she would have probably left the world long before reaching the age I am now. She gets it. There's no judgement at all.
Some may find it strange that a child could grasp and appreciate their parent's struggle and desire for it to be over permanently (because don't we all want those we love to be here as long as possible?), but that's the kind of relationship we share. It's unique. It's a genuine soul connection based on respect, open communication and transparency. The deepest and most profound conversations I have ever had have been with this wise, compassionate, and beautiful soul.
Not everyone has such an incredible network of loving supporters. Nor did I until well into adulthood. That is especially why I wanted to write this post.
For those who might feel as alone and frustrated and empty and raw and hurt and apathetic and as done as I was feeling, this is what I want to say to you:
It fucking sucks. And it's ok to want to give up. Wanting to give up doesn't mean you will take the plunge. It means that something fundamental is no longer working in your life or in your mind. There is a big fat lie going on that is causing you to shrink instead of expand. There is a disconnect. And there is a reason for it all. And if you choose, you can make it through.
You're not crazy. You're not unfixable (you don't need fixing). You're not worthless. You're not a waste of space. You're not the only one who wants to opt out of life. And you're not bad or selfish for wanting to leave. I don't care what anyone says on this subject, I don't believe it's selfish to commit suicide because I understand the call to end it all. And unless you have been there yourself, you will never get why someone you love chose to leave it all, and you, behind.
I believe we all do the best with the light we have to see by and sometimes we truly cannot even find a flicker. Of course people want you to stay, and maybe it's your child keeping you alive because you don't want to abandon him or her and that's great. It doesn't solve the problem though. It only prolongs the agony.
What we need is to uncover and heal whatever it is that we so desperately need relief from so that at least while we are here on the planet, we can enjoy some measure of pleasure. Easier said than done, I know. Soul work is the toughest work in the world. But it is the only work that can transmute your pain into wisdom. Pills won't fix what's wrong but they can be great to help you get through until you find another way to relive the pressure inside you.
Ultimately though, the only way out is through.
Here is what I've learned through my repeated visits to hell: Depression is a note from your authentic self inviting you to return to your path because somehow, somewhere, you have gotten off course. You have forgotten who you are. You're out of touch with your true nature and that's why it hurts like hell.
You might think it's because of an external situation, but it's not. That is just a trigger. The battle is always being fought within and it can only be won by facing the demon inside. And by demon I mean the lies about yourself that you've been mistaking as truth.
Depression isn't bad or something to feel ashamed of. It's just an indicator of something else going on that we don't feel ready or equipped to deal with right now. It is often anger turned inward and that's ok. Where you are is exactly where you're meant to be and you will get to where you're going when you're damn well ready.
Fuck what anyone says, especially those who tell you to cheer up and get over it already. Clearly they don't have a clue about what you're going through so find someone who does or is trained to help those who struggle with depression.
Just keep in mind that wherever you are and regardless of how you got there, your precious gift awaits. The gift that comes through looking within, even if it's terrifying. The gift of that next glorious level you've been trying to get to but felt so out of reach. It's right there on the other side of this bullshit that none of us want to face.
I know it's scary. And I know it feels easier to opt out. But I also know that breakdowns often pave the way for breakthroughs and I had a few incredible ones today which makes me especially glad I stuck around for them. I mean it. Today I understood why it all hurt so bad this past while, and I felt grateful for the powerful lesson I was being taught about surrender.
And while I won't beg you to stay if you really want to go, I want to let you know that chances are high...like 100% high...that the thing you want and crave so badly that feels so out of reach (the peace, the love, the abundance or what have you), is already inside of you even while you search for it high and low.
You are already all that you desire. You just don't see it yet. Neither did I. I've been blind my whole life with only occasional glimpses of my true being. So what. Let's forgive ourselves, shall we? Let's give this thing one more try and then maybe another after that. Don't we deserve so much more than this pain? Isn't it possible that it's covering up the exact thing we crave?
It's time to lift the veil.
It's time to look within.
It's time to do the work.
It's time to release the pain.
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