Turns out that the thing I'm most meant to do in this world is the thing that I've been doing all along. The thing that comes most natural to me. The thing that feels like breathing. The thing I cannot help but do. The thing that touches hearts, speaks to souls and brings us all closer together and to ourselves:
Sharing myself and my process with you.
Isn't it strange how blind we can be to our own gifts? How we don't think twice about the thing people most thank us for. How easily we dismiss and disregard our unique genius and then wonder why we feel so lost in life and like we don't make a difference. But we do. Just because we can't see or appreciate how much we're benefitting the world by being who we are, it doesn't mean the world isn't reaping the goodness that oozes out of us night and day.
In my recent darkness, I texted a few heart friends to ask what they saw as my greatest contribution and gift to this world (I've included one response near the end of this post). I asked because I felt off course, like I was climbing the wrong ladder in life despite my success in the ventures I undertook. I felt like I hadn't found 'my thing' yet because all the things I felt were the things were never the things for long. I felt tired. Oh so tired.
I didn't want to start up a new business hoping that it would finally be the one to hit the spot for good. I was done. Done, done, done. Done trying so hard and pushing myself so hard to finally achieve the kind of 'success' I had defined for myself. It was a vision that made me feel inadequate daily because I felt so far from it no matter what I did. It wasn't serving me. It was holding me hostage. And I needed to find a better way if I was to stay.
I was not willing to do what I had always done but I was not content not doing it either. I was in limbo. In no man's land. I was on the razor's edge of life and didn't know if I had it in me to go another round. Not because I doubted my ability to overcome the darkness for the millionth time in my life, but because I wasn't convinced I even wanted to this time.
After so many visits to that internal hell, you begin to realize that even if you do manage to pick yourself up again, you will inevitably return to this horrid space in the future despite the sweet reprieves in between and who the hell wants that. None of us.
My desire to die was not always based on a painful emotion. It often felt quite practical. It was a logical response to what was going on. As humans, we do have the choice to leave this world whenever we want, and that thought alone offers a sense of hope and freedom to many a soul on those dark, dark nights.
For many, especially after enduring what no one should ever have to, the thought and act of suicide can even be seen as a form of self-love in the sense that one is answering the call of a soul that is so strongly wanting to return to its purest form. It's wanting to return home, to the realm of spirit, where the heaviness of this world and the weight of their mind are no longer.
The desire to die is the desire for freedom from the hell of being alive.
And while it would be nice and easy to think that everyone can and should be 'saved' and made to stay, each soul has its own contract to fulfill and it has nothing to do with you. It is impossible for any of us to know what is best for someone else, but it is possible to be a light to all, to try to understand another's struggle, to release judgment, to extend love, and to just BE there in someone's time of need.
We are all surrounded by love and light even as we go through the depths of hell, but it's hard to see or feel it when we are looking in the exact opposite direction. And that's ok. If there wasn't something we were meant to learn from this experience and discover about ourselves, we wouldn't be going through it in the first place.
My decision to stay for another round was the result of a few things that I will share in a future post because some of you have messaged me about your own struggle to stay alive and have asked me how I moved through to the other side. I appreciate your stories and I will do my best to offer some insight on the 'how' once I sit with that for a bit.
One thing I knew for sure though is that if I was to stick around, I wanted ease. I wanted surrender. I wanted relief from the internal pressure. I wasn't staying on board to sign up for more of the same. And I figured if I could just have a few people hold up the mirror for me, maybe I would see something I hadn't seen before. Maybe I'd find the answer. Maybe the things I most craved (peace, purpose, abundance and joy) weren't actually so far away.
So I asked my loves to show me who I am and what I offer, and every response touched me, especially this one from my Too Good Triangles customer turned soul sister, Jess:
"Your words. Honestly. I've sometimes went back and read your words more than once. I feel like you communicate things people feel but cannot express. You're so eloquent and well spoken and seem to be able to nail down true emotions with your words. You're not only physically the most beautiful woman I've ever seen but you have so much beauty inside of you and it comes out everytime you speak. Your words come from the soul. And that's not something the average person can speak from. You know yourself inside and out and I admire that more than words can say. Your self awareness is astounding to me. I hide many things I think and feel because I fear how other will view me or perceive me. I love how you speak from your deepest places and can be so very open not only with yourself but with the people who love and cherish and follow you and all of your accomplishments."
I cried after reading that. And the icing on the cake was that the other responses echoed these same sentiments.
And my experiment worked. A light switch went on. I saw through the eyes of my beloveds that I have already very much succeeded in life and I have always been delivering my gifts to the world. That even while my focus was everywhere but here, and even in the darkness, I was continually offering something of value to those around me. This means everything to me.
I now feel deeply connected to my purpose and that changes everything. And the internal pressure is off now because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I don't need to do anything but be me to have the greatest impact on the world.
Who I am is enough and it's beautiful.
Just knowing that and truly feeling it is such a weight lifted. I don't need to search anymore. I had it all along. Everything I want is right here inside of me, like it has been for all eternity, but now I see what you see, and I'm grateful to be me.
LOVE READING MY HEART?
Your financial high five means so much.
Read more here.