"There's no shame in saying “things have changed,” then taking the actions necessary to allow you the space to redirect your energy toward something better aligned with who you are, what you want out of life, and how you wish to contribute to the world." Jonathan Fields
About an hour ago, I asked a few of my dearest heart friends via text what they see as my greatest contribution and gift to this world. I asked them because I am searching, searching, searching through this darkness to find meaning, purpose, and a reason for being in this world.
I need, need, NEED to have a worthy mission, something to move towards each day if I am to be here, which is what has fueled my life thus far. I overcame so much in life precisely because I had a vision and a hope for my future. Right now I don't have either.
Not because this is the worst time of my life. It isn't. It doesn't even come close. I've been through so much more and yes, I made it through.
It's that I feel so lost when I am not going at full speed. When I am not producing something, achieving something. When I am not actively making shit happen all the time. When I am not kicking ass like a mofo in whatever venture I'm pumped about. When I have to hold back because it causes me pain to move forward. When I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing instead of the things I used to do. When I don't feel free and inspired and excited. When my future looks bleak and my dreams seem impossible.
These are the things I typically don't have to face when I'm in the throws of creative passion and execution. But my drive to succeed no matter what is also what drove my body to break down. There was an imbalance that I'm being forced to correct, but I really don't know how.
Everything seems possible when I'm on fire. Everything. And when I'm experiencing that heat inside of me, I go, go, go without a thought. I give it everything I've got no matter what it is. This is the nature of being me and I love my passion. I love my drive. I love my intensity and focus and all my awesome ideas.
So when I'm needing to slow down and step back for an undetermined amount of time with limited resources and no juicy project to sink my teeth into, well...it makes me bitter and miserable.
And it makes me wonder: Who am I when I'm not being the Mandy I've always been? When I'm not trying to make it (I'm always trying to 'make it'). When I'm not doing the things I've always done in the ways I've always done them.
Right now I don't know. Yet I feel like this is what I'm meant to discover.
It's like I've been stripped of the things that helped me to survive and thrive in life thus far; namely my work and creative offerings. Work was my lover. Work was my life. Constantly moving towards something was/is my mode of transportation in life, and my sense of fulfilment has always come through creating more than anything else.
So when I asked my friends what they see as my greatest contribution and gift to this world, it was with the hope that I might rediscover or remember what I'm truly here to do because I have temporarily forgotten, and right now, more than ever, I need to be reminded of how I make a difference in this world so that I'll want to stay a part of it.
And beyond that, maybe through their feedback I'll realize that I really don't have to try so hard or do so much to be of value to others. Maybe just being me and expressing my truth is plenty. And based on their responses, it is.
P.S. Here is a piece of wonderful wisdom that my friend, Craig, offered when I shared this post on Facebook:
"I go, go, go without a thought" And there are times when you must stop, stop, stop. This appears to be one of those times. A creativity is not all about exhaling your art. Sometimes you must stop and inhale life. It IS part of the process. And as much as we, as artists, fear these moments because we aren't exhaling our art, we have to accept that without inhaling deeply AND without a thought we won't be able to exhale. Be still. Accept the inhalation as part of the process. The next breath will come in time.
LOVE READING MY HEART
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