I don't know what it was about my September trip to NYC, but it fundamentally changed me. It shook me up in unexpected ways, pushed me far beyond my comfort zone, brought much darkness to light, and showed me what is missing in my life, as well as what needs to be removed.
It rattled and touched my heart, exhausted and exhilarated my body, mind and soul, and despite the amazing times and great connections I had while I was there, I came back feeling quite unlike myself. Restless. Anxious. Floating. Unsure. Insecure. Lost. Desperate.
All of a sudden I was hungry for a change even though I felt quite on track when I went there. I left Canada expecting a 4 day party mixed with a lil romance; much like my last trip to the big apple, but there was even more to be had this time around.
I was in a very different world in Brooklyn (last time I was right in the city), with no sense of placement (where are the trees!) as we drifted from one experience to the next (all of it, a blur), on streets not made for single white females, surrounded by metal bars on every window and door. By day 3 I had lost my bearings completely and thus, I adapted as best as I could through routes I would not normally consider. It was a wild ride to say the least.
And it makes me think, maybe it's not a bad thing at all, to dance with the unknown, to face what's uncomfortable and unfamiliar, to be stretched so much that you can never return to your old dimensions. Maybe things ought to be shaken up every once in a while. Maybe foundations ought to crumble in occasion. Maybe it is wise to lose touch with all that you thought you knew and all that you believe you need to make you feel secure in an insecure world. Maybe it's not a negative thing at all...to lose yourself completely. Maybe it's an extraordinary thing because that is exactly what's required for any transformation to take place.
Upon returning home I felt a significant inner shift after the dust settled and I started to get acquainted with the new me. Who is this woman who wants to be born? How can I support her? What does she need? What is she craving? She wants to be and do what?!? I wasn't aware of that.
I thought I was doing pretty awesome in life and I certainly didn't think I needed any sort of upgrade at the moment, but here I am feeling like a completely different person. So much so that the woman I was in NYC feels like a stranger to me now on so many levels.
Strange, isn't it? Because I felt so at home inside myself. But I live somewhere new now. I guess it was time to move.
P.S. Big thanks to Mike Baca & Fernando Romero aka 2esae & Ski of UR New York for sharing their home with Christen and I, as well as taking us to see and experience so much including the Red Bull Canvas Cooler event in Bushwick (where they were featured artists), the Doom Art Show in Long Island City, Queens, and an extra big thanks for letting me pimp Too Good Triangles to all their New York friends.