As most of my readers and supporters already know, I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family and was made to feel quite badly about who I was as a person. My worth was not visible to those around me as a child and because of this, I have spent my adult years trying to discover and see it for myself. Shortly before or after I turned 36 last year, I had a moment where I actually saw myself as a beautiful person and I cried at how blind I had been for so long. How could I not have seen I was a good and worthy person before now? It was such an awakening.
And it is an on-going journey and a life lesson I have yet to master.
Feeling "not good enough" has been the chorus of my life and the undercurrent of my anxious desire to achieve so much before I die, which could be on any day really, so my drive is especially potent.
Each day I am filled with a constant pressure to accomplish an impossible list in my head that could not even be filled by 20 people, let alone one, and the only time I am ever free of the incessant desire to accomplish this ever-increasing list, is when I am having heart to hearts with Paige, spending time with a beloved, or when nature embraces me with her sounds.
But after a particularly meaningful revelation last Friday, with my feet in the sand and the entire beach to myself, I felt inspired to get to the core of this issue, this need to achieve that has been so strong that it has damaged both of my hands in the process.
The universe has made it pretty clear that I need to slow down more than I need to complete my list, and it's a reality that has not been easy for me to accept or live with. I still resist it each day because I already felt so far behind even when I was able to do it all on my own, and now that I can't even open a can or cut Too Good Triangles by myself, I especially feel behind in all that I want to deliver to the world.
I resent being held back yet I know there is a reason for it, and I believe the reason is for me to learn that I don't have to "do" anything to be worthy and loved. I'm amazing just the way I am. And I can give to the world even if it's not always through words. I can give pretty pictures, or quotes, and that's plenty. I can even just "be", and that is more the enough.
And maybe someday, somehow, I could set that list aside and trust that I have done all that was required of me every step of the way. That I haven't missed a thing. That I haven't let the creator down by not getting it all done yet. That it's ok to just do one thing, maybe two, and not one hundred all at once.
That my worth is not dependent on anything that I do or don't do; it is intrinsic to who I am.
Wouldn't that be a beautiful thing to know and live?
So for right now, I shall write and recite a new inner dialogue; one that has the potential to bring me more peace and happiness were I to eventually believe it.
One that reminds me that "I am enough", "I do enough", "I'm good enough", "It's safe to relax", "It's ok to slow down", "I don't have to do it all by myself"...
And, "I'm perfect just as I am", "I'm worthy just because I exist", "If I never put out one more piece of work, I would still be enough".
I am enough, I am enough, I am enough.
Tears welled up as I wrote that last line. Oh how my world would change if I were able to believe it.
Off I go to the forest and the beach, to fill myself with new thoughts, new feelings and new realities.
What will you do today to fill yourself up?
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