Alright, ladies. Let's get a few things straight, shall we?
"You're a beautiful woman. You deserve a beautiful life. That's all there is to it." (Water For Elephants)
What more do you need to know?
Lots more, apparently.
As I listen to my girlfriends complain about, suffer from, cry over or feel less than the men in their lives, I realize that even though we know better, we rarely act on that knowing. I too have been through it all myself and it was hell every time, so I figure it's time to set the record straight about boys and girls and love and moving on in the hopes that at least one woman will command more for herself after reading this.
Please note that I am going to be quite direct and maybe you won't like or agree with my views and that's ok. These are my opinions; not gospel.
Without further adieu, here is my stream of consciousness list of what's important to remember as you navigate the world of lust and love. No particular order. Just writing them as they enter my mind.
20 REMINDERS TO HELP YOU NOT GET CAUGHT UP
IN A BULLSHIT DYNAMIC WITH A GUY:
1. See movie quote above. Believe it.
2. A man worthy of you leaves no room for you to wonder how he feels about you or where you are at in the relationship. His actions tell you everything, as do his words and the way you feel when you're around him.
3. If he has another and is not in an open relationship, he is off limits and an asshole for engaging with you in a flirty way behind his woman's back. If you respond to his advances, you too are an asshole because you not only reduce your worth by doing so, you also dishonour another female in the process as you support this man's indiscretions.
4. If you're not hearing from him, he's not interested. Move on. No buts.
5. If you are not ok with something he has said or done and you don't express it and he continues to do it, you have no right to complain. If you do express it and he doesn't care, he is an asshole and you'd be a dummy to stick around. If he says he will change and doesn't, see previous sentence.
6. If you're crying over him, he's not the one.
7. If he does not respond to your texts, calls, Facebook messages, take the hint. Redeem this temporary blow to your ego by NOT texting, calling, Facebooking him again. Every time you make contact after it is clear the interest is not mutual, you further reduce your feelings of self-worth and increase the feelings of pain and rejection you are seeking to relieve through your misplaced attention on him.
8. Guy/girl relations are not rocket science. Things are pretty straight forward unless you're the one in it. So here's you're marker: if you are spending all your time talking about a guy and it's NOT about how great he treats you, how wonderful he makes you feel and how you feel like the luckiest woman in the world, then you're wasting your time on the guy you're talking about. He ain't it. Move on.
9. We attract what we are. If you constantly attract emotionally unavailable men, it might be time to be honest with yourself about how ready (or not ready) you are for BIG love. Do the inner work instead of working on a crap relationship or trying to fix someone else. Martyrs aren't hot, FYI. Save yourself and let the rest fall where it may.
10. If something doesn't feel right, it isn't. Your feelings are your direct route to knowing what is good for you. Every woman who has ever been in a shitty relationship can look back and find the precise moment they knew this guy was bad news. If they had heeded their inner wisdom, they would have said no thanks and moved on instead of justifying things, invalidating their intuition, making accommodations for the guy and thereby saying yes to garbage.
11. You can start a new chapter in this moment if you really want to no matter what situation you are in. We all eventually get to a point of no return anyways, when we can no longer accept things as they are and we finally feel ready to make a change. You decide when that will be. No one else. Do you want more hours, days, months, or years caught in something that you know in your heart is less than you deserve? Of course not. So do what you need to do to put your well-being at the top of your list. That might mean counselling, a class, reading, talking to your partner or a friend, being honest with yourself, writing out your truth, etc. There are many ways to come back home to what you've always known.
12. If he invalidates your feelings and disregards your needs, he is dick. Respect yourself enough to move on.
13. Men are smart. Boys are dumb. The world is filled with boys posing as men so don't be fooled. A good man respects ALL women and treats you like a queen. Boys are not mature enough to support, let alone appreciate, a woman in her fullness. He wouldn't know the first thing about honouring a phenomenal female like you.
14. If the guy is not the whole package how do you expect him to recognize that you are? There is no way he can see you clearly so stop trying to get your fill from a guy who is incapable of meeting you where you are and find the one who can.
15. I know you think you need him but you don't. I know you believe you need answers but you don't. At least not from him. You might even think that if you just change this or that about yourself then things will be fine and he will love you. Are you fucking kidding me? If you are not being loved for who you are then you are in the wrong relationship. Period. I promise you that you are perfect just the way you are and the RIGHT guy will be praising the heavens each morning for your existence in his life because he adores all that you are.
16. Quit blaming the men for how they do you wrong. You teach people how to treat you. If you accept crap, you will get it. If you love and respect yourself, others will love and respect you in kind. You get to set the standard in your life. If you're dating a jerk you need to quit bitching and start figuring out why the hell you're still with him. It takes two to have a shitty relationship. Why are you still participating?
17. Instead of asking "what did I do wrong?", "why isn't he calling me?", "does he even like me?", ask yourself these questions: Does this feel good to me? Is this what I want? Do I like him? Do I like what's going on? Do I want more of this in my future? Does he make my toes curl?
18. You can end things now, regardless of how long you've been together. You have the right to say no to anything at any moment no matter what has happened in the past or what is currently going on. It's your life. It's your body. Get it? Your feelings. Your heart. Your choice. No matter what anyone says.
19. Self-love is the only proven way to live a douchebag-free life. When you truly love yourself, there is no way you'll allow yourself to stay in a shitty relationship, job, or experience for longer than it takes to get the hell outta dodge. You will be radiating so much inner strength, awareness and beauty that only good comes your way, or even if the odd shitty thing does show up, your innate awesomeness will deflect it ASAP. Crappy things just won't have the power to stick to you any longer because you're hot as the sun, yo!
20. Again, you must remember that, "You're a beautiful woman. You deserve a beautiful life. That's all there is to it." It's really that simple. If you don't believe you deserve better, you certainly won't attract it. And if you really can't see your own beauty, you will remain dependent on others to show it to you. And for the record, you probably won't believe them anyways. So learn to love yourself before expecting another to do that work for you. If you don't care enough about yourself to do that, why should anyone else?
It all starts with YOU.
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